Standing Still.March 28, 2011 at 4:51 pm | Posted in Infertility, IVF #5: This is IT., motherhood, My life | 13 Comments
I’m standing, alone, in a forest, at a fork.
Where two roads diverge in a yellow wood/ and sorry I could not travel both/ and be one traveller long I stood…
Etc etc & yada yada yada.
But seriously. It’s such a metaphor for my life right now.
I feel like I’m standing here.
Regarding two divergent paths.
One is pretty clear: be done with fertility treatments, get rid of all the baby stuff, plan to run a marathon this fall and take the money we won’t be spending on daycare bills for a second kid and invest it into our house. Or maybe a career change, where I can reduce my hours and be home more and spend more time doing the stuff I love.
The other path? Less certain. Maybe positive beta, then more uncertainty until the heartbeat(s) is/are found, then even more uncertainty. Maybe after 9 months or so we end up with a live, healthy baby.
And thing is. It’s hard for me NOT to look at that path and wonder WHY we’re bothering to even consider it.
More money, more uncertainty, more pain, more stress.
I keep telling myself that it WILL be worth it.
And just like the narrator in the Robert Frost poem, I’m sure I’ll end up telling someone someday that I took the path less travelled, and it’s made all the difference.
But right now?
I’m just standing still.