Standing Still.

March 28, 2011 at 4:51 pm | Posted in Infertility, IVF #5: This is IT., motherhood, My life | 13 Comments

I’m standing, alone, in a forest, at a fork.

You know.

Where two roads diverge in a yellow wood/ and sorry I could not travel both/ and be one traveller long I stood

Etc etc & yada yada yada.

Okay, so Robert Frost said it so much better than I could ever say it.

But seriously. It’s such a metaphor for my life right now.

I feel like I’m standing here.

Regarding two divergent paths.

One is pretty clear: be done with fertility treatments, get rid of all the baby stuff, plan to run a marathon this fall and take the money we won’t be spending on daycare bills for a second kid and invest it into our house. Or maybe a career change, where I can reduce my hours and be home more and spend more time doing the stuff I love.

The other path? Less certain. Maybe positive beta, then more uncertainty until the heartbeat(s) is/are found, then even more uncertainty. Maybe after 9 months or so we end up with a live, healthy baby.

And thing is. It’s hard for me NOT to look at that path and wonder WHY we’re bothering to even consider it.

More money, more uncertainty, more pain, more stress.

I keep telling myself that it WILL be worth it.

And just like the narrator in the Robert Frost poem, I’m sure I’ll end up telling someone someday that I took the path less travelled, and it’s made all the difference.

But right now?

I’m just standing still.

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13 Comments »

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  1. […] has a post today about Standing Still. She is standing and looking at two paths and trying to figure out which one to […]

  2. The path to choose will become clear. At some point. You will know what you want and you will choose the right path for you.

  3. Hard stuff…the first path…stopping treatment…going back to school/moving on to a new career…has a LOT of positives in it. Maybe the thing to recognize that there is no right path and you can find happiness (sooner or later) in either path. Good freaking luck making a decision…when you do that, can you come be the deciderer in my life? :>

  4. I don’t know. I always thought the “right” choice would become clear, but I’m beginning to think it won’t. For starters, it’s not a choice in the same sense as it is for others – I would choose to have sex and have another baby. But the choice we’re given is far different. Spend lots of money, do lots of injections, potentially cause illness or injury to myself, and maybe I’ll get pregnant. Maybe.

    I told someone today that it feels impossible to take a step forward – I used to chomp at the bit to move to the next cycle, but now my feet are glued in place. And inaction is it’s own sort of decision. I’m just hoping I don’t regret it later.

  5. I felt much the same way a few months ago. Logically, walking away from treatments made the most sense. But I knew I couldn’t do it at that time, because far too often I ended up crying in the bathroom at work when I thought about that possibility.

    I hope the mental noise settles down and the path forward becomes more clear.

  6. As a long time reader and url friend, I hate to see you struggling so (although, there isn’t anything inherently wrong with standing still. Sometimes being still allows that quiet voice to be heard).

    I can only tell you that even with all the struggle and strife and wanting to be done, you’ve not written anything that makes me think that you are. And it is OK to not be done. I know you wish you could be, but there is something compelling you forward regardless of wishing it to be another way.

    I felt similarly during our year-long break from trying. I was stuck and struggling and tangled up but no matter how dark the day, the will to mother another was too great for me to ignore. And now, here we are, days away from being home study approved and that much closer to bringing the child we were meant to have home.

    Does this sometimes feel like a forced choice? Yes. Do I wish that any of our 7 other cycles had worked? You bet. Do I still sometimes have sex just because I know I’m ovulating regardless of how hilarious that is as I approach my 45th birthday? Guilty. But, I can not get around how much I can’t wait to have another child and for that I am willing to do this.

  7. Somebody forward this to Mel, it needs to be in the Roundup.

  8. You’re considering it for the same reasons that you considered it the first time – because having a baby would make it all worth it. Babies are expensive, and exhausting, and all that (which you know). I’m not sure having a child is ever a really rational choice. But I remember one blogger once (I have no idea who) saying that if you end up with a baby at the end, no matter what you went through, you say it was all worth it. If you don’t end up with a baby, you say it was all a waste of time and money and energy. So, no answers for you. That must be so hard.

  9. I think that sometimes the “easy” thing is not necessarily the right thing. It also may not actually be the “easy” thing even though logic may suggest that it is.

    I hope this time while you stand still will give you a clearer since of which path will help you reach a place of contentment.

  10. that other road, the one not always taken…ALWAYS worth it. 🙂
    love you,,,holding HOPE.

  11. I’ve been there, actually I am still there and it is an uncomfortable place to be at. Just remember that you are not truly alone, that you don’t carry the weight of this decision all by yourself. HUGS

  12. I love Robert Frost and I love that poem even more. It has called out to me at so many points in my life.

    I’m sorry you’re standing at another fork. There is nothing wrong with standing still- it is the deep breath before the plunge.

    It is so hard because the one road is completely worth it…but only if you get to have a baby at the end. Otherwise it’s just years of heartache. So I will have everything crossed that when you step down that path again it will lead you to your baby.

    xoxoxo
    T.

  13. I hate these forks in the road, because they can be a real sticking point, but they’re also good places to sit down and look around. I hope you can move forward, one way or another, very soon. (hugs)


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