Clarify.

April 7, 2011 at 12:37 pm | Posted in rants | Leave a comment

The thing about blogging.

When you put something out into the internet, it’s there for a lot of people to see.

It’s NOT like a journal, where you can admit your deepest darkest fears and it’s okay.

I really don’t mind that about blogging.

So.

My last post was poorly written, apparently.

I thought I was angry with J about his unhealthy habits. But then? I discovered that I’m really angry at my aunt instead.

And you know something?

I DO believe her death was preventable.

Because my aunt was overweight and had high blood pressure and age onset diabetes.

And given my family history – certainly on my maternal side – I am VERY CAREFUL about what I eat and drink and how much I exercise. It’s a big deal to me that I try and prevent the same fate.

And yes, there is an expectation that my husband be smart about what he does too. I don’t think it’s wrong of me to ask that he drink one glass of water a day.

I also don’t think it’s wrong of me to share with him that I am, in fact, terrified of losing him the way I’ve lost some of the important people in my life. We’ve discussed this at length, actually – including last night when I had this breakthrough.

In fact, I did this when we were trying to get pregnant with O. Somehow the act of creating life, for me, is tied to VERY strong fears of losing someone I love. I’m not sure why, but it is what it is.

Now, the flip side, for those of you who think I’m a judgmental bitch who is trying to change my husband?

What made my aunt a GREAT woman was the fact that she cooked so much damn food for dinner, my cousins COULD invite the football team to dinner without issue. She had an open door policy. She nourished people by cooking for them.

Some of the very best conversations I had with her was in her cramped little kitchen, helping her cook the 8 course meal for me, my uncle, and herself.

So if she had changed her habits to be more healthy?

Some of the essence of what made her HER would have gone away.

Doesn’t mean I can’t be fucking pissed off that she was taken from this world too soon because she ignored her health.

Same with my husband. The inability to relax? Means that he’s ALWAYS doing things around the house. He’s an involved, active, EQUAL partner in all sense of the word. He’s an amazing guy, and most of the time I don’t feel like I deserve him.

But.

I want to see him HAPPY. I want a life that’s not defined by a task list. I want to see him relax, chill out, figure out how to let go of his stress so it doesn’t kill him eventually.

If that makes me judgmental, well then so be it.

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