Identity Crisis.April 8, 2011 at 3:56 pm | Posted in Uncategorized | 22 Comments
One of my mantras when I got involved in the community was that I would always blog honestly.
I wanted to show the good and bad of infertity, then parenting after infertility, then cycling again AND parenting after infertility.
And I’m currently struggling.
Because, by fuck, I’m TIRED. There isn’t much GOOD these days in chez Serenity.
Well, that’s not true. There IS good. But.
The fun with O? Flashes by in a blink and makes me cry because I am so damn nostalgic for his infant days. And then THAT makes me cry, because I feel like I’m doing him an injustice by not being present, really present, in his life and living in the moment WITH him.
I’m tired of feeling like I need to justify my feelings. Because, you know, I want ANOTHER child when I know there are so many people out there who want their first. And J is done, and is angry with me for allowing infertility to define the person I am.
And even better? I’m actually pretty AMBIVALENT about having another baby, because I’m scared of the stress it’ll put on the life we have now.
Because, you know, our life isn’t exactly all roses and sunshine right now. I wonder sometimes, What the fuck are we even THINKING, trying for another baby?
For me, this has been a long, dark winter. And even though the sun is shining and my daffodils are out of the earth, it’s not over for me.
I’m still here, waiting to find out which way I get to go – down the path of a potential pregnancy, or where I get off the infertility rollerfuckingcoaster FOREVER.
Which, honestly, will take work for me to cope with. I know that no matter what the result is of this last cycle, there’s going to be some form of emotional fallout. Either I’ll have hope that will be dashed and then I’ll have to find a way to move on, or I’ll get pregnant and it’ll raise the stakes that much more.
And then what? You all get to hear all the crap of how I thought I was okay with moving on, yada yada but it sucks and WAAAAAAH.
Or you’ll hear holy crap I’m pregnant and scared that it’s going to be taken away from me and is my beta rising appropriately and will there be a heartbeat on the ultrasound? If all of that good stuff does happen, then you’ll get to hear about how I feel fat and wish I could run and miss my old body yada blah blah.
I suppose what it boils down to is that I’m just tired of hearing myself talk. What’s the POINT? It’s not like I offer anything new or valuable.
I don’t know where I’m going with this. I suppose, though, instead of disappearing because I’m at a loss with what to DO my space, I should at least explain.
I’m not sure what I’m going to DO about it, but there you are. My Blog Identity Crisis.