Identity Crisis.

April 8, 2011 at 3:56 pm | Posted in Uncategorized | 22 Comments

One of my mantras when I got involved in the community was that I would always blog honestly.

I wanted to show the good and bad of infertity, then parenting after infertility, then cycling again AND parenting after infertility.

And I’m currently struggling.

Because, by fuck, I’m TIRED. There isn’t much GOOD these days in chez Serenity.

Well, that’s not true. There IS good. But.

The fun with O? Flashes by in a blink and makes me cry because I am so damn nostalgic for his infant days. And then THAT makes me cry, because I feel like I’m doing him an injustice by not being present, really present, in his life and living in the moment WITH him.

I’m tired of feeling like I need to justify my feelings. Because, you know, I want ANOTHER child when I know there are so many people out there who want their first. And J is done, and is angry with me for allowing infertility to define the person I am.

And even better? I’m actually pretty AMBIVALENT about having another baby, because I’m scared of the stress it’ll put on the life we have now.

Because, you know, our life isn’t exactly all roses and sunshine right now. I wonder sometimes, What the fuck are we even THINKING, trying for another baby?

For me, this has been a long, dark winter. And even though the sun is shining and my daffodils are out of the earth, it’s not over for me.

I’m still here, waiting to find out which way I get to go – down the path of a potential pregnancy, or where I get off the infertility rollerfuckingcoaster FOREVER.

Which, honestly, will take work for me to cope with. I know that no matter what the result is of this last cycle, there’s going to be some form of emotional fallout. Either I’ll have hope that will be dashed and then I’ll have to find a way to move on, or I’ll get pregnant and it’ll raise the stakes that much more.

And then what? You all get to hear all the crap of how I thought I was okay with moving on, yada yada but it sucks and WAAAAAAH.

Or you’ll hear holy crap I’m pregnant and scared that it’s going to be taken away from me and is my beta rising appropriately and will there be a heartbeat on the ultrasound? If all of that good stuff does happen, then you’ll get to hear about how I feel fat and wish I could run and miss my old body yada blah blah.

I suppose what it boils down to is that I’m just tired of hearing myself talk. What’s the POINT? It’s not like I offer anything new or valuable.


I don’t know where I’m going with this. I suppose, though, instead of disappearing because I’m at a loss with what to DO my space, I should at least explain.

I’m not sure what I’m going to DO about it, but there you are. My Blog Identity Crisis.



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  1. I’ve struggled with this. There are times when I have seriously contemplated just walking away. A blog break usually helps me clear my thoughts and better my focus. Having this crisis is normal. We can’t expect our stories and our attitudes and our goals to always remain the same. That’s unreasonable.

    The loyalest of readers and friends will be here, no matter what you do with your space.

  2. I’ve had this thought, too, in the short time I’ve been blogging – wow, I complain a lot! Then I feel compelled to write a post about something happy, so I don’t lose my readers. But here’s what I’ve determined: 1-I complain less in real life now that I have this outlet, 2-readers seem to give me (and you) the benefit of the doubt that I’m a person with real concerns and not just a big whiner all the time, 3-readers can come up with concrete suggestions and solutions, or at least, feeling that I have readers to answer to forces me to do the same.

    So bottom line: you don’t have to justify your feelings, unless doing so helps you work through them. I, for one, don’t mind “listening” to the negativity, I just feel sad that is’s there. I’ll keep reading. and it would be nice to see you again sometime, too.

  3. I’ve been reading your blog for some time but never commented. I’m amazed how long and well you’ve held it together. I am dealing with secondary infertility, have a wonderful toddler and am only in my first round of IVF and losing my mind. It sucks that there’s no right next step to take. You know what you really, really want in the bottom of your heart but when that is compromised, well, what is acceptable?

  4. Years ago when I was in therapy, I hit a point where I was just damn tired of talking about whatever I was talking about because I had been through all this before and it seemed going through the same old thing with the same old thoughts. But, my therapist pointed out that really, there was nothing bad about that because that is the way life goes. It’s not a straight (and hopefully upward) moving line, it’s more like a spiral. You re-tread your thoughts and feelings and it may seem like you are walking in circles but really you are only walking in similar circles that slowly propel you to a different place.

    Having said that, I think it sounds like you need a break from thinking about everything. If that also means you won’t post for awhile, so be it. But do it because you need to do it not because you think we don’t want to hear the same thing over and over again.

  5. I think it comes down to this: if your space is important to you, it’s important. It’s new because it’s yours, and we’re here because we want to hear your story.

  6. I appreciate your honesty. More than you know. It is refreshing and comforting.

  7. None of us are here to talk about shiny, happy, positive things…we’re dealing with infertility sh*t. We’re here to find other people in our similar situations that are grappling with tough life stuff. So, I wouldn’t worry about being a whiny, sad, schizophrenic, with emotions changing every day. This being said. Sometimes it’s good to take a break from blogging. From our minds. From the crap that we are living through. I take MANY breaks from blogging because I get so tired of having infertility from being my life. Take all the time you need.

  8. You know my feelings on this. You do what is best for you.

  9. I have been with you for a while and I love you because of your honesty. Its not easy to be an infertile. Its not easy being a parent. Its not easy being a working parent. And its certainly not easy being a working parent who wants a second child and has to go through the hoops you do. And you have every right to feel all the things you have felt. All I can say, is that I am here with you, abiding with you. (And so are many many others).

    And you know, you are supportive to others and I often love seeing a comment from you and seeing your “xx’s” and “oo’s” so don’t feel bad for “whining”. This blog is for you and for you alone, we are there to support you. πŸ™‚


  10. I definitely feel that way. All the time. Especially since hardly anyone ever comments anymore, after all. So, I got nothing. In the end, though, I also blog for me, and if some people come just for updates because they care, well, whatever. Might as well throw it all out there, right?

    Good luck with the deciding what to do.

  11. Hey Serenity,

    I follow your blogs silently from the sidelines and wanted to say that I really admire your honesty. I suppose that all of us who read here and online elsewhere are in different situations, in that the details are different, but the emotions and fears are so similar. Sometimes I can barely stand myself in this whole self indulgent process, like IF stuff is all I do besides go to work and wash the dishes. Today I got the $10000 period, a BFN for IVF #2. I cycle through having hope and then grasping for it. And reading your blogs helps make it a little more validated. For better or worse. SO, keep on being honest, it helps a lot of people. And hopefully it comes back to you, this help, in the form of PEACE and UNDERSTANDING. Because that’s sure what I’m looking for too.

  12. I don’t envy you at all Serenity you are in a really difficult place. But you should be proud that you are thinking it all through even though thinking about it all can be painful. You can continue blogging about which ever road you take. I will be listening. I also have a blog identity crisis, but I just write what I need to, whenever I need to.

  13. It was all this and more that I was struggling with last year and through the summer of my discontent. I knew I was done cycling but knew I wasn’t done wanting to mother another. It was an awful, dark time. So much strife, so tangled.

    There is no way but through it and it is a bit impossible to predict what the outcome will be. I hope that you can find snippets of joy and laughter and happiness and gratitude among the muck and that this part of the road you are on is brief and gives way to the life you want for yourself and your family.

  14. I think that those of us who have read you for some time will stay whatever you are writing even if you decide only to post once in a blue moon. I hope you stick around though.

  15. You know, this is why I haven’t blogged in quite a while. I am kinda tired of hearing myself talk. I’m not really interested in doing a Mommy blog. So instead I’m listening to others, supporting others, sometimes I comment, mainly I’m trying to figure out where I’m going.

    I’ve already made it past the hurdle you are crossing now, so it isn’t the same, but it sounds like the same kind of limbo, regardless.

    I hope you find your way very soon.

  16. Maybe blogging has a limited life expectancy, so to speak. I’ve noticed that a lot of other 4- to 6-year-old blogs are slowing down. That includes mine. I don’t have the time, energy, or need. And it really is challenging to blog about parenting after IF, and as I imagine, secondary IF while parenting after IF.

    Good luck. : )

  17. I totally understand where you are coming from. I feel as though I sound like a broken record sometimes. Which makes me less motivated to write anything. So then I only write when I need to get something off my chest, and then my blog turns into an endless rant. So sometimes I write the posts to get things off my chest and don’t hit publish. Which is silly too.

    Honestly, though, you really have a gift for writing. I think you could write about dirt and it would be riveting πŸ™‚ Also, like Delenn, I love seeing your x’s and o’s.

    Do what feels right. I’ll be around regardless of whether you blog.

  18. You my friend have the gift of being blunt, honest, clear, deep, direct… and this is so fantastic and so refershing. I appreciate you pouring out your heart here and trusting us with your feelings. I hope you don’t stop blogging . The winter will pass, its just a season!

  19. I love your blog. It’s one of my favorites. I’m a private person to a fault (especially IRL) so I think you’re so courageous to blog your truth. I hope to do that one day. I hope your blog continues. Wishing you the best. Take care πŸ™‚

  20. I love your blog too, it serves a community that needs it. you are a fantastic writer and someone who doesn’t bulls*it us, you should just keep doing that, we are not sick of your voice. xo

  21. I hope it is ok that I think this, but I have been reading you for so long, and we’ve been commenting on each other’s blogs for so long, that I think of you as a friend. (I often say to Q., “One of my blog friends was writing about…”) And I’m always here to listen to my friends when they need to rant or when they are in a tough place. I guess it depends on how you feel about your blog. I very much use mine as a way to record things- I don’t tend to write thinking all that much about my readers, although I love knowing that they are out there. And I did take breaks when we were stepping back from TTC, because it was an IF blog and it’s hard not to think about IF if you’re blogging.

    All that to say that I will read anything you want to post, because you are my friend, and you need to do whatever works best for you. Blogging shouldn’t be an obligation, and you shouldn’t have to second-guess yourself because of what your readers think.

    I would miss you a lot if you disappeared forever.


  22. I think you blog to work through all that is going on in your mind and you do a great job of expressing how you are feeling at different points and at different stages of your journey.

    You don’t need to justify your feeling about any of it. Just feeling it and being brave enough to share it all with the rest of us is huge.

    I’ve said before that blogging is cheap therapy and I believe that it is true for a lot of people. Where else can you put everything out there and receive feedback for free?

    None of us have all of the answers, but you’re one of my favorite bloggers and I always keep up with your blog (although I know I don’t comment nearly enough!). *hugs*

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