April 20, 2011 at 8:49 am | Posted in IVF #5: This is IT. | 7 Comments

Today’s scan revealed a few more follicles on either side, with the sizes ranging from 16mm to 20mm.

Based on my previous cycles, I’d be surprised if they triggered me today. I expect they’ll want to see me again tomorrow.

Which means we’re still tracking for a Saturday or Sunday retrieval.

I think, anyway.


Thanks to my therapist, I’m finding that acknowledging my emotions helps release the band of anxiety around my chest on most things.

I felt it begin to wrap around me on Sunday. Yesterday was rough.

But posting yesterday about the fact that I was starting to get worried over the outcome of the cycle made me feel IMMENSELY better.

Because it’s the truth when I say I’m scared.

For five years now, since we did our first IVF cycle, I’ve had the promise of The Next Cycle to guide us.

This cycle didn’t work?

Well, hey, maybe the next one will.

For me, the most hopeful time I have is CD 1. Because that’s my fresh start, the hope that whatever we try and do THIS cycle will actually work, whether it’s a change in protocol or the same protocol as our successful cycle or a whole new way of doing things.

Maybe this one will work.

By my 2ww, I DO have hope, but I spend most of my emotional space struggling with the fear, too.

And by the BFN, I’m just looking forward to what’s next.

That’s what’s so insidious about ART – it’s like gambling.

Maybe this time I lost, but the NEXT TIME!

So knowing that this IS our last cycle scares me.

Because. What will I do without that hope?


Thing is.

There’s a flip side, too.

This weekend made me wonder what I’d do if the cycle were cancelled.

I wish I had the words to describe for you the utter LOATHING I felt when I thought about re-doing a cycle.

I cannot do this again.

I have spent the past six months looking at our reproductive decisions in levels of Suck.

Will it Suck more to wake up in five years, regretting our decision to stop? Or will it Suck more do another cycle?

Up until recently the Suck has been about equal.

Until now.

ART is a blessing AND a curse. It gave us our O and the hope that we might have the family we always dreamed about.

And honestly? I cannot imagine my life without my son. He is absolutely the very best thing that has happened to me in the entirety of my life.

But ART has shackled us, too.

We’re stuck in limbo of waiting and wanting. Looking ahead to the next cycle every time makes it so that we can’t REALLY be present in the planning for our KNOWN life right now.

Will we be able to go on that 65th anniversary cruise with my grandparents this coming Christmas? How long will I be at my current job before I can move to something with less money but more flexible hours? Will I get to run a fall marathon this year? Should O move to a “big boy room” or will that blue room always be our guest room? Can we think about visiting our family in San Diego next winter, or will we have to wait until the fall? What am I going to do with all of the baby gear and clothes?

You get the picture.

I know that a BFN at the end of this cycle will fucking hurt.

I know it’ll take me time to grieve and really come to peace with being done.

But I yearn for this to be over.

I can’t do this anymore.



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  1. Yeah, seems a little early for trigger just yet.

    The only thing I can say at this point is that you won’t know how you’ll feel about the outcome until it’s here. Hoping you get the positive outcome.

  2. I guess you are at the point that everyone was telling you would come. You would KNOW when you were done. Clearly you have reached that point. Although, I will say, there is a chance you are done not because it DIDN’T work but because it DID.

    I want you to get the grand prize not the parting ‘gift’.

  3. Here and reading. I’ll bet they want to see you tomorrow as well.

    SO many hugs. I hope you get to be done for all the right reasons.

  4. Yeah, I hear ya.

  5. So understand where you are coming from. I hope that whatever the outcome you can find peace from the roller coaster of IF.

  6. Sorry I’ve been such a bad commenter lately. I’m glad you’ve reached this place where you can have peace with being done. I really hope you get the grand prize, like Heather said. But if not, I think you’ve gone through the right process to get to that place.

  7. so many questions and feelings you have no answers for and I’m so sorry about that, the limbo….I really really am.

    I’m holding you in my heart, hope in my hands….I really really want this to work for you too sweets. xo

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