Transfer.

April 25, 2011 at 8:24 am | Posted in IVF #5: This is IT., Stuck with You (aka: Family), The End of Trying | 18 Comments

I went to bed last night thinking, wow I seem pretty Zen about this whole cycle.

And then I dreamt of infertility all night, explaining to everyone that it’s even harder the second time around because you know what you’re missing.

*sigh*

___________

In GI tract news: I am horribly, horribly bloated. And constipated.

Gotta love progesterone.

___________

I was, frankly, shocked by our fertilization rate. In our 4 cycles that we’ve made it to retrieval, we’ve always had about 50-60% fertilize.

I’m taking this rate as proof that it was a good idea to do a low and slow protocol.

(And yes, patting myself on the back a little bit. I love being right.)

___________

My MIL called me on Sunday morning to check in and see how I was doing. I didn’t pick up the phone because I didn’t really want to talk about it.

She was sweet when I saw her at Easter and told her in person I didn’t really want to talk about it.

But then I felt bad and called her last night to update her.

She told me that they were hoping and praying with everything they’ve got.

I could HEAR the empathy and love in her voice.

It made me feel so very lucky to have her as part of our family.

___________

I am really humbled by what my SIL has done for us over the past six months, too. For both retrievals, she’s kept O overnight, corraled two three year olds (and a nine month old) into the car in order to drop O off at school the next morning, and generally offered to do whatever we need whenever we need it.

We probably wouldn’t have done this second cycle if we didn’t have her help with watching O.

And whenever I’ve thanked her, all she says is that it’s the least she can do, since she can’t actually FIX it for us.

___________

I’m sort of overwhelmed with emotions today.

I’m really relieved at the idea that I won’t ever have to sit in my clinic’s waiting room again.

I CANNOT WAIT to break free of this limbo and MOVE ON.

I’m scared, too, of being done. I’m afraid of being hurt when this doesn’t work. Of hurting if O ever asks for a sibling. Of hurting when I see families with multiple kids. Of hurting when someone asks me if O is our only.

Acknowledging the fear helps a little. But it doesn’t make it go away completely.

__________

Our embryos today are named Ophelia and Perseus.

Ophelia, a greek name, means “to help, aid, assist.”

And Perseus is the first mythic Greek hero who killed Medusa.

I think they’re appropriate names, no?

Also – O’s initials are OP.

__________

I also decided to do pre- and post-transfer acupuncture with this transfer.

As much as I hate to spend the money… the last time I DID acupuncture, I ended up with a baby.

Might as well, right? It’s just money.

__________

I am not religious.

Actually, since my aunt passed away in November I’ve become even less so.

(Yes, I’m probably angry.)

But. Through this whole cycle, I’ve had this overwhelming sense of being part of something bigger than me.

It’s like I’ve just thrown it out to the universe, knowing that there’s nothing I can do to control the outcome.

I am taking it on faith that my family will be okay in the end.

That *I* will be okay in the end.

No matter what happens today, we have done everything we could to make our dream of a family of four a reality.

That is something, at least.

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18 Comments »

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  1. Wishing a great transfer day and praying and hoping that all your dreams come true! HUGS! loved the names

  2. Sitting here with you, waiting and hoping. Hugs.

  3. I have no inspiring words. Just big hugs and high hopes for you, Serenity ❀

  4. Thinking of you today and hoping with everything I have that this cycle brings the good news you so much deserve. Great names for the embies.
    xoxoxoxo
    T.

  5. DUDE! Holy bloat suck!! I hate this progesterone bloat. I look like I’m pregnant. Ug.

    That is an amazing fert report and hopefully it bodes well.

    Your in-laws sound like they are doing the best they can, which is awesome.

    And, I’ve been thinking about 2nd infertility a lot lately, too. I think a lot of primary infertility people think that it is easier (as I am sure that I did). But, I would wager that it is just as hard because the same factors are impacting your mental state: the uncertaintanty; the waiting; the sense of failure. But, there is the silver lining that you were able to see your match with your spouse…it’s still the hardest thing I have ever been through. Sigh.

  6. I’m here to tell you, no matter what happens, it will be OK. You will be ok, and your family will be perfect how ever you end up.

    But – I’m of course sending as many happy thoughts your way and keeping everything crossed that this cycle DOES work.

  7. Hoping all goes well today and in the next two weeks.

  8. Good Luck Serenity! I am still reading and hoping for you, even though I don’t say much lately.

  9. Fingers crossed! I was wondering what you were going to name the “O” embryo, as you replicate the cycle-that-produced-O.

  10. Best wishes for the transfer πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚

  11. Best wishes πŸ™‚

  12. Fingers crossed, toes crossed, everything crossed for you.

  13. Thinking of you *hugs*

  14. I can’t believe you’ve already had the transfer, wow….it’s really happening again. I am thinking of you….and hoping with all my heart.

    I love how you named them, love the meaning behind them…you are doing the absolute BEST thing to make a family of four right now…and I am VERY VERY optimistic.

  15. Sending lots of good thoughts out into the universe for you!

  16. Thinking of you and sending you lots of good thoughts!

  17. It’s funny, I had that same feeling during a cycle of just finally GETTING it; I had done all that I could, and that it was just out there in the universe to either work or not (it did). It was really liberating in a sense. No more pressure on myself, just settling in for the wait and finding a peace with whatever the results are. Maybe at least serenity can be found there? Granted, it was easier because it actually DID work, but still, even if it hadn’t, I don’t think it would have been as hard for some reason.

    Thinking of you over the next couple of weeks.

  18. My first thought as I read the names was “those are O’s initials!” before you wrote that same thought. I think that is a very positive sign. πŸ™‚


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