Transfer.April 25, 2011 at 8:24 am | Posted in IVF #5: This is IT., Stuck with You (aka: Family), The End of Trying | 18 Comments
I went to bed last night thinking, wow I seem pretty Zen about this whole cycle.
And then I dreamt of infertility all night, explaining to everyone that it’s even harder the second time around because you know what you’re missing.
In GI tract news: I am horribly, horribly bloated. And constipated.
Gotta love progesterone.
I was, frankly, shocked by our fertilization rate. In our 4 cycles that we’ve made it to retrieval, we’ve always had about 50-60% fertilize.
I’m taking this rate as proof that it was a good idea to do a low and slow protocol.
(And yes, patting myself on the back a little bit. I love being right.)
My MIL called me on Sunday morning to check in and see how I was doing. I didn’t pick up the phone because I didn’t really want to talk about it.
She was sweet when I saw her at Easter and told her in person I didn’t really want to talk about it.
But then I felt bad and called her last night to update her.
She told me that they were hoping and praying with everything they’ve got.
I could HEAR the empathy and love in her voice.
It made me feel so very lucky to have her as part of our family.
I am really humbled by what my SIL has done for us over the past six months, too. For both retrievals, she’s kept O overnight, corraled two three year olds (and a nine month old) into the car in order to drop O off at school the next morning, and generally offered to do whatever we need whenever we need it.
We probably wouldn’t have done this second cycle if we didn’t have her help with watching O.
And whenever I’ve thanked her, all she says is that it’s the least she can do, since she can’t actually FIX it for us.
I’m sort of overwhelmed with emotions today.
I’m really relieved at the idea that I won’t ever have to sit in my clinic’s waiting room again.
I CANNOT WAIT to break free of this limbo and MOVE ON.
I’m scared, too, of being done. I’m afraid of being hurt when this doesn’t work. Of hurting if O ever asks for a sibling. Of hurting when I see families with multiple kids. Of hurting when someone asks me if O is our only.
Acknowledging the fear helps a little. But it doesn’t make it go away completely.
Our embryos today are named Ophelia and Perseus.
Ophelia, a greek name, means “to help, aid, assist.”
And Perseus is the first mythic Greek hero who killed Medusa.
I think they’re appropriate names, no?
Also – O’s initials are OP.
I also decided to do pre- and post-transfer acupuncture with this transfer.
As much as I hate to spend the money… the last time I DID acupuncture, I ended up with a baby.
Might as well, right? It’s just money.
I am not religious.
Actually, since my aunt passed away in November I’ve become even less so.
(Yes, I’m probably angry.)
But. Through this whole cycle, I’ve had this overwhelming sense of being part of something bigger than me.
It’s like I’ve just thrown it out to the universe, knowing that there’s nothing I can do to control the outcome.
I am taking it on faith that my family will be okay in the end.
That *I* will be okay in the end.
No matter what happens today, we have done everything we could to make our dream of a family of four a reality.
That is something, at least.
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