On Being Done.

April 26, 2011 at 10:43 am | Posted in IVF #5: This is IT., The End of Trying | 20 Comments

(I’ve been thinking about this for a while now, and I might botch how I write about it, so please bear with me.)

One of the things that is so freeing about my therapy sessions is that I can talk without feeling like I need to JUSTIFY myself.

There are times where my therapist will challenge something I’ve just said, yes. But the way she does it is more asking me to look deeper into myself and really UNDERSTAND my feelings.

Part of my responsibility of being a blogger, I think, is really grasping the idea that my readers have a lot of different mind-views when they read what I’ve written. Understanding that the comments I receive on my posts are infused with other mind-view.

Which is sort of like going on a journey in someone else’s viewpoint.

Except that right now, I’m in a place in my life where I want to really understand MYSELF.

And so I’m finding it hard to blog about stuff lately. And talk to people in my real life, too. Because I’m still trying to figure out how I feel on things, and listening to other people’s viewpoints doesn’t get me any closer to figuring out exactly how *I* feel about things.

And then I feel this need to justify what I’m saying, to somehow take what the other person is saying and incorporate it into my OWN mind-view. Or at the very least, come out and EXPLAIN why that isn’t really applicable to me.

For example. When I talked with my MIL Sunday night that this was it, we were done, she questioned me. Only a little, but it was enough. She wondered if maybe there was something more I could do next time to increase our chances, like maybe stop running altogether.

And though I know it came from a place of love – she very much wants this to work for us, she doesn’t want to see us give up on our dream, it was enough that I felt like I had to JUSTIFY why I felt like we could quit.

I found myself talking quicker, telling her I thought we had gone through enough to get to this point, I couldn’t really do another cycle, and we both really wanted to move on.

I don’t think she really BELIEVED me.

Even here, on my blog, I sense the dubiousness that we’re really done, too, on the posts where I’ve declared it.

Course, some of it is self-inflicted. I’ve been saying “this is the LAST CYCLE!” for a while now. Because honestly, I thought we were done last November.

But you know. Here we are, three transfers later.

And if I’m being REALLY honest, I will admit that I keep poking that wound myself a lot.

Are we really done?

Will we really be okay with this if this results in a negative beta?

REALLY?

And the answer is yes.

Every time.

It’s hard for even ME to believe. Really? I’m okay with being done?

But yes. I AM ready to move on, embrace the life we have NOW. Instead of chasing something that might not ever be our reality.

Yesterday, when I left my clinic, I felt this sense of JOY.

Of freedom.

Knowing I never have to go back there for a transfer or retrieval makes me GIDDY, actually.

I AM ready to break free.

There’s no need to caveat it.

It’s an amazing place to be. Regardless of the outcome of this cycle, we WILL be moving on in one form or another.

I cannot wait.

Advertisements

20 Comments »

RSS feed for comments on this post. TrackBack URI

  1. I know what you are feeling. After Cam was born, I was pretty sure that I could never go through IVF again. And I only did IVF twice. And then I found out I was pregnant, and besides freaking out over the whole thing, deep inside I was so happy that I wouldn’t have to do IVF again.

    And now, now that I know we can’t have any more kids (I got my tubes tied when the twins were born) I am very very at peace with that decision. I have no regrets that we aren’t having any more kids. Even if we didn’t have our tragic story, even if Maggie was a singleton… I’m done. The stress of everything…. it’s too much. Plus I AM TOO OLD for more newborns. Proven last night, when Maggie got up at 1 AM crying with teething pain, which in turn woke Cam up, and then Aaron got a call for work at 3 AM. I can barely think today.

    It’s good to move on. And I’m sure, where ever it is you end up moving to, you’ll be happy.

  2. I understand TOTALLY! I haven’t even had my retrieval and I KNOW I am DONE.. I don’t want to do this anymore.. If this doesn’t work then it doesn’t work.. I am praying for you though and hope you don’t have to think about it anymore because your new baby will be coming, fingers crossed!

  3. I think you hit on both the best and worst parts of blogging. It’s great to read comments, and sometimes the ones from people so different from you are the best. But other times, you want people who just *get* it, or who know all of your background. Or sometimes you just want to write, to get it all out there, and it doesn’t matter what others think.

    I’m glad to hear you happy about your decision, though.

  4. Your honesty with yourself and on this blog shines through. I hope this cycle results in a positive…but either way, it sounds like you are turning over a page and starting a new story!

  5. I am so happy for you that you are in a place where you are okay with the outcome either way. I feel like you should be able to do what you want, but that if you are content no matter what that that is SUCH a good place to be in.

    I hope that you get another baby because you would be a great mom to another child (as you are to O) but if you don’t, I assume God has something else for you!

  6. I definitely get where you’re coming from. I think about this a lot too. We’re not on our last cycle yet, but it’s highly unlikely we’ll go beyond the current set of embryos. I’m okay with it, B is okay with it. But what might someone else say that will make me feel like I need to defend the decision?

    Sometimes you really want your support system to question you gently, to make sure you’re really thinking things through. Other times, you don’t need to think anymore and just want them to hold your hand.

    I’m still holding out hope, but I’ll be here for the next step, regardless of what that is.

  7. Good luck–I hope you are moving on with a positive beta! But if not, abs this is it…then that’s probably the vest decision for you guys. Anyone can talk themselves into more trying, I think, but talking yourself out of it seems like it’d gave to require more surity.

  8. S-I just want you to know-that it’s total bullshit that you have to even THINK about it. Pisses me off.
    Thinking of you and wishing you all kinds of peace-goodness knows you & J deserve it.

  9. It is such a good thing to work through things in one’s mind and heart no matter how one does it (therapy, with a spouse, by writing, through alone time, etc). Some things just need to be processed to reach their inevitable place.

    There is something about ART that makes us think we need to declare our plans prematurely; meaning while we’re still cycling or waiting for beta or whatever. It is our safety net. We need to have a Plan B, C, F, or Z in order to feel in control and in order to make plans for our life that cycling robs us of.

    I sometimes think that somethings simply can’t be known until they’re known and in their time. We really do need more information sometimes, more time to live the reality of the possibility of a decision to know if it actually does feel right.

    Knowing that you are at peace regardless of the outcome of this cycle is more than half the battle. I am willing the universe that the result is positive.

  10. this is the reason I haven’t sought you out or took you task with optimistic talk. I know you are done and it’s hard for me, if you don’t get this BFP, I am going to grieve it ..very much. However, I know that with or without a BFP you are going to be moving to a place in your life, heart and mind that is a GOOD ONE for you. You will be free, happy, content. It’s taken you so long to get here…that I want you to NOT justify to us, there’s no need.

    you know what I’m hoping for, but you also know that you have my love, friendship and support no matter the outcome. I’m in your corner either way. xo

  11. Just wanna say that I am here just to offer you support and “hear” what you have to say… it doesn’t matter if you are done for forever, done for now, or change your mind next month. I wish you peace of mind and happiness, no matter what future brings you. HUGS!

  12. I’ve been OOT for most of the past week and I’m just now checking on your recent posts. First, congrats on the good retrieval and transfer. And second, once you know you’re done, you only have to justify it to yourself. Others’ opinions are meaningless compared with your gut feeling.

  13. Growing up I told everyone I wanted at least 12 kids. HA! After years and years of IF, I wondered if I would ever be “done”. Honestly, I worried about it. I was afraid nothing would be enough and I would always have resentment.

    Then, the oddest sensation happened. I looked at what I had, and was completely calm and satisfied and knew, without a doubt, that I was in fact done. It enabled me to fully let go of the “what if’s” and the “why not’s” and really embrace my life. It is wonderful feeling.

  14. I came to your post from the round up, and want to thank you for this post. I am done with treatments as of Monday, after 5 ART cycles and no BFP…and can relate to so much of what you wrote.

    I haven’t talked about it with anybody in real life yet. I can’t bring myself to hear their well-intentioned but often still painful suggestions or encouragements like the ones you described. The blog comments are easier because I can ignore them.

    Thank you for giving words to me to help process what I am experiencing.

  15. You don’t have to justify anything to us. This is a great post … and congrats on making the Round-up!

  16. I totally get this post. Totally.

  17. I get it. Not that you need me to get it, but I do.

  18. FWIW – I believe you can be done after this cycle. I think you needed this cycle with the same low and slow protocol as the cycle that ended with O to give you closure, no matter how it turns out. I think if you had stopped before doing it, you would have always wondered. I have my fingers crossed for this cycle for you.

  19. Here from the Roundup. I completely understand what you wrote and wish you the best, regardless of what happens.

  20. There are only two people involved in making this decision: you and your husband. If you are comfortable with it, that’s all that matters. No one else has a say. I completely understand your feelings, and I’m sorry for all you have been through that has brought you to this point (first time here, followed a link from BlogHer). It sounds as if you are very much at peace, and I’m happy for you for that. Also, I think you are very brave for opening your heart like this. That’s a scary thing to do, especially since, as you write about, you never know what kind of response you are going to get.

    Best of luck in the next phase of your life journey, wherever it may lead!


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Blog at WordPress.com.
Entries and comments feeds.

%d bloggers like this: