Random thoughts.

May 6, 2011 at 6:26 pm | Posted in Heartbreak, Infertility | 20 Comments

Thank you all so much for the support and comments and virtual hugs today – I was overwhelmed when I logged on this evening and saw them all.

A couple of thoughts:

I expected the BFN call. I felt FINE today.

It still really hurt. More than I expected, since I thought I was prepared.

It looks like we got really, really lucky with O. That IS something, no matter how much my heart aches right now.

I am really, really relieved that the uncertainty is lifted. No halfhearted beta that gives me hope, only to be dashed when my numbers didn’t rise the way they were supposed to.

I have no idea how the fuck I’ll ever go through O’s baby stuff. Talking about it makes my cry. I can’t even think about it.

Even in the midst of the Suck, I still know it’s the right decision to move on. I walked out of my clinic this morning and felt again the strange sense of joy in being done.

I need to regroup, and figure out this new normal, and readjust my hopes for my family.

But J and O ARE my family. And I will celebrate them this weekend.



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  1. I’m so sorry. 😦 Even if you were bracing yourself, it still must hit like a ton of bricks.

  2. A new adventure begins. And before long, it’ll be one that you couldn’t ever imagine not experiencing.

    I look forward to sharing this new adventure. Our families may look different now in composition, but our goal is the same: loving those little ones, teaching them about the world, and enjoying life. XOXO

  3. Ive fine through baby stuff that won’t be used – I can give you some advice. First, do it with your husband. He’ll want to help/grieve with you. Have a plan where it will go – family member, donation – but get it out if the house that day. Having it sit in boxes is awful. And if possible, maybe a good friend to help you decide what to keep and keep you moving when you start to get sad.

  4. I’m sorry for the Suck. It is a loss for sure, albeit one that leads you to a Different path rather than a Lesser one.

    Please, if there’s anything I can do to help, don’t hesitate to ask.

  5. When I saw your FB status about running a race in October 2011, my heart sunk (I couldn’t get on Blogger from my phone, but I could get on FB). I have no words. {{hug}}

  6. I’m so sorry for the heartache you are now thrown into, and am wishing you peace as you find your new normal and move on from treatments. I wish I had more words to offer, but please know you’re in my thoughts.

  7. You know I never tried again so I can’t imagine what you went through with this, but I can truly say there IS joy in being done. I don’t know when you’ll find the permanent joy of it, but there really really is joy in knowing you never have to go back there, and that you got it real good with the one you got:-)

  8. I’m so sorry. I still don’t know what to do with BabyHope’s things. I near panic attack level when we talk about selling them, but I know we need to. (((HUGS)))

  9. I don’t think the hurt is any less even when you are prepared for the news.

    Just as you knew that this was your last cycle no matter the outcome, you will know when the time is right to go through O’s baby things. If you can’t think about it without crying, then it is not time. And when the time is right, who says there is any reason for you to get rid of everything? I decided that when I go through my son’s baby stuff if there is something that I just cannot throw away, I am not going to do it. Maybe years down the road I will be ok with parting it. Maybe I will never be ok with parting it and I think that is ok, too.

  10. And THEY will celebrate YOU this weekend 🙂

    Happy Mother’s Day. Get many big hugs often.

  11. So very sorry… have been following you for a while, but never commented. My heart aches for you. I want for you the ultimate happiness, however it LOOKS… you are so strong… Hugs!

  12. I’m sorry Serenity. I really wish this had turned out differently. I know it’s cold comfort right now but I really hope that eventually being able to focus on J and O and your running and finding a new career that fits your life will make you happy. I guess what I am saying is that I hope once you have time to grieve that you will find peace with your decision to be done trying and complete joy in your family and life.

  13. When you go through the clothes, keep some that you loved seeing O in. When he is 6 feet tall, he will love seeing how small his Levi’s once were.

    If you really don’t think you can part with the clothes, there are people that make quilts from pieces of each item. Just a thought.

    The fact that you were able to have any sense of joy at all, is a great indication that you are going to be able to accept your family as it is, and have a wonderful life.

  14. ((((HUGS)))) Have been thinking of you since yesterday. I agree that there is peace in being done and being able to make plans and live in the moment. You are very self-aware and I think that’s a key to happiness in itself.

    O. is really a beautiful, terrific little guy and he is lucky to have such a caring, warm mother.

    I didn’t have any problems getting rid of baby gear (most of which was passed along to friends), but clothes were another matter altogether. Footed sleepers especially — if the house were burning down, I’d grab the box of footed sleepers. D. helped decide what to keep. He was very attached to certain outfits and pajamas; I was really surprised. There’s no need to rush it. Take your time and if you doubt for a moment that you should get rid of it, then keep it.

  15. I have to tell you, I was tearing up as I read this post. I really like OHN’s suggestion to keep some of O’s clothes. You may be a grandma some day, and even if not, they’ll give you some good memories – I love dressing my son in clothes that belonged to me and my sisters (baby clothes were more gender-neutral back then). And also, with Mother’s Day tomorrow, it’s a good time to remember that you ARE a mom, and a great one, with a family who loves you. I know it’ll be bittersweet, but hopefully it’ll help you focus on what you have. ((hugs))

  16. I was reading a blog post today and I thought of you, so thought I would pop over here and post it:


    She talks about being done with treatments and how she is thinking about the weight of infertility and now she is free to be happy.

    • Heather – thanks. This was a perfect post for me today. 🙂

  17. I am so proud of you. I can feel the peace in your worlds. Happy Mother’s day.

  18. Good for you! We are very happy to be done trying as well and thoroughly enjoy our party of 3. There are always moments of reflection (what would it be like with another? could we manage it? would it really make us happier?) but I do not doubt our choice, and I hope you don’t doubt yours. You 3 are just right together, no matter what comes next!

  19. Oh, Serenity, Words fail me, but so much of what others say rings true. O has plenty of life and laughter to be reveled in. And, I hope as you move forward with life, with running, with finding yourself again, that this pain becomes only a small ache.

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