Random thoughts.May 6, 2011 at 6:26 pm | Posted in Heartbreak, Infertility | 20 Comments
Thank you all so much for the support and comments and virtual hugs today – I was overwhelmed when I logged on this evening and saw them all.
A couple of thoughts:
I expected the BFN call. I felt FINE today.
It still really hurt. More than I expected, since I thought I was prepared.
It looks like we got really, really lucky with O. That IS something, no matter how much my heart aches right now.
I am really, really relieved that the uncertainty is lifted. No halfhearted beta that gives me hope, only to be dashed when my numbers didn’t rise the way they were supposed to.
I have no idea how the fuck I’ll ever go through O’s baby stuff. Talking about it makes my cry. I can’t even think about it.
Even in the midst of the Suck, I still know it’s the right decision to move on. I walked out of my clinic this morning and felt again the strange sense of joy in being done.
I need to regroup, and figure out this new normal, and readjust my hopes for my family.
But J and O ARE my family. And I will celebrate them this weekend.