Drishti.May 10, 2011 at 7:43 am | Posted in And I ran (I ran so far away), Heartbreak | 7 Comments
In yoga, drishti is a point of focus where the gaze rests during a posture – gazing outward while bringing awareness inward.
I’ve been thinking a lot about this word in the past week.
During my 2ww, I coped by focusing on marathons. I knew that I’d need something to look outward AT; a point of focus which would help me cope with the fallout if the cycle didn’t work.
So on Friday, I signed up for my first one in October.
And since then I’ve been using it as a coping mechanism.
When it starts to hurt too much? I jump online and look at training programs, or I plan my next run, or I look at the marathon course. And I think about how long I’ve wanted to run a marathon – more than a decade now – and it reminds me that I have strength in my body and focus and determination.
And it helps take the sting away from my failure to conceive.
My friend D said yesterday, you know this isn’t your fault, right? Like really REALLY know?
Can’t say I believe that right now.
But over the next 25 weeks, as I run the miles set by my training program, I hope that I CAN learn to believe again.
Maybe seeing that I CAN do something I put my mind to will remind me that, yeah, maybe I don’t have control over EVERYTHING in my life, but I do have SOME control over what happens.