May 10, 2011 at 7:43 am | Posted in And I ran (I ran so far away), Heartbreak | 7 Comments

In yoga, drishti is a point of focus where the gaze rests during a posture – gazing outward while bringing awareness inward.

I’ve been thinking a lot about this word in the past week.

During my 2ww, I coped by focusing on marathons. I knew that I’d need something to look outward AT; a point of focus which would help me cope with the fallout if the cycle didn’t work.

So on Friday, I signed up for my first one in October.

And since then I’ve been using it as a coping mechanism.

When it starts to hurt too much? I jump online and look at training programs, or I plan my next run, or I look at the marathon course. And I think about how long I’ve wanted to run a marathon – more than a decade now – and it reminds me that I have strength in my body and focus and determination.

And it helps take the sting away from my failure to conceive.

My friend D said yesterday, you know this isn’t your fault, right? Like really REALLY know?

Can’t say I believe that right now.

But over the next 25 weeks, as I run the miles set by my training program, I hope that I CAN learn to believe again.

Maybe seeing that I CAN do something I put my mind to will remind me that, yeah, maybe I don’t have control over EVERYTHING in my life, but I do have SOME control over what happens.



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  1. Thinking of you and hoping that a renewed focus on running will help you find your drishti gaze and you will feel peace. Big hugs.

  2. I’m glad that you have this to focus on … and I hope it helps you to heal.

  3. I love how you are taking control in such a positive way. I hope that it helps you to heal. Meanwhile, I think we will all just have to abide with you—and, you know, be very proud of you!

  4. It’s not your fault. Infertility is something that is part of you, but it doesn’t define you. You are a beautiful person and a loving mother. You deserve all that is good.

  5. I am so proud of you

  6. You know I love the drishti concept. It is hard not to fault your body or yourself or your decisions that might have culminated in these problems…but it’s just crap luck with crap ovaries. Some people get crap hearts, crap lungs, etc….and it’s not their fault. There is something so deeply PERSONAL about infertility though and perhaps an age-old societal bias that infertility is the result of some sort of life karma. But, it isn’t. It’s just crap luck.

  7. I wish I knew what to say, because closing the door on IF treatments is so very different when you did not gain the family that you wanted despite herculanean effort. But I very much admire your ability to set new goals and work toward them. I’m not very goal oriented — my own bucket list has fewer than 5 items on it!

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