Because I’m Full of Crazy.

May 12, 2011 at 9:49 am | Posted in And I ran (I ran so far away), Crazy Talk (aka: Therapy) | 14 Comments

Yesterday was a rough day, emotionally.

In the morning, when I was getting ready for work, the only thought in my head was this one:

We have three embryos in the freezer. Why the EFF don’t we just USE them?

And it struck me – one of my main IF coping mechanisms is now gone. Because, see. The NEXT cycle has always been my way of dealing with the Suck of a BFN.

What will we do different next cycle? Maybe THAT will be the ticket and we’ll get pregnant.

Except now it’s different. Because J and I decided that we’re done. We don’t HAVE another cycle. And so yesterday morning, I felt a yearning to revisit that decision and just get RID of our remaining embryos.

But then I started thinking about the reality of going back to my doctor. And MAN. I REALLY don’t want to go back, either.

I just wish I were pregnant. Now.

Yesterday morning, I couldn’t see a way out of the Stuck Place. And so I spent my commute to work wiping the tears away. (Thank goodness I forgot to put on makeup.) And my morning dragged by.

Until I found a website of running gear with really funny phrases.

And so I bought myself this shirt.

Feeling marginally better, I went to my therapy session. Where I quickly realized that I was ANGRY. I spent most of my therapy session crying, too.

But at the end, when I told my therapist that I didn’t know how I was going to get through all of this, she said something pretty damn awesome.

So you said you are coping by running. Okay, you have a 5 day a week running schedule. That means that there will be 2 days where you’ll feel overwhelmed and sad.

Holy crap, she’s right.

Somehow that put things into perspective for me. Two days a week of feeling bad? Okay, I can handle it. If I expect it, and breathe through it, and keep putting one foot in front of the other on those days, I’ll get through the day.

Until endorphins make me feel better the next morning.

I suppose I’m in this place where I really do need to take things a day at a time. A moment at a time. A second at a time.

The one thing I think I’m going to add to my posts, though, is a weekly update of where I am with my marathon training. My mileage, how I feel, what I accomplished last week in my training, and my goals for the current week.

Because yeah. I’m full of crazy right now.

But it’s all I got*.

*And yes, I know that’s an exaggeration. I have a lot more in my life to be thankful for, etc etc blah blah, yada yada. I mean more in terms of coping. Because I don’t care WHO you are, it’s nearly impossible to be knee deep in the reality of three-year-old tantrums and energy and impatience be able to say, Oh wow, aren’t I so lucky? Just doesn’t work that way. My main coping mechanism, at least right now, is running. I’m sure over the next few months I’ll add other things, too.


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  1. Question to ponder:

    Have you thought about donating the embyos to medical science instead of discarding them? My daughters is losing her sight to a congenital retinal disorder which is one of hundreds of disorders that will benefit from this donation.

    I did not know if you were aware of the option so I thought I would mention it.

    Good luck with the process of acceptance and moving on.

    A mom who’s serenity was found with the adoption of her youngest two children 🙂

    • Hi Lori – yes, that’s most likely the option we’ll use when we’re in a place where we’re comfortable with saying we are done (read: when *I* am there, anyway). I don’t know that I CAN just discard them – knowing that they potentially might help someone makes it a little easier to swallow. Thanks!


      • That is just awesome! I hope that this last round is the one for you but if not then I wish you peace. I think you are well on the way!

  2. The link didn’t work. 😦 I would love to see the pic.

    And yeah, sometimes it is all you got because you’re dealing with a major transition. But we’re here to listen and help you deal too. Just keep running!

    • Oops – Heather’s right. I edited the link – you should be able to see it now! 🙂

  3. Your link has additional http:// stuff at the front, so it sends you to an error page…just FYI.

    Love that shirt, it is funny! Great site, gives me some good gift ideas for some runner friends I know. Thanks!!

    And cope any way you can, it is a healthy way so go for it!

  4. Serenity, I am still here reading… I just don’t know what to say lately… except I am sorry… it wasn’t meant to be this way.

    And that you have inspired me to run. After a few false starts I have become addicted again. I am running my first 10k in August. Thank you

  5. I just want you to know that I totally respect you for what you’re going through and your decision to be done. Some people spend their entire lives chasing that one “last” cycle, and it can destroy a person, relationships, marriages.

    Even if the doubts do creep in from time to time, remember that you made your decision in a time of clarity after much soul searching and personal exploration. Be confident in yourself and your choices. Feel proud of yourself for choosing a road that isn’t an easy one but is the right one for you and your family.

    You’re in the thick of the thick right now, in a shitty, difficult stage in the process of moving on – but I sense that you’re smart and you’re strong (stronger than you think) and that you WILL get through this and get to a happier place, a place of peace.

    In the meantime, be kind and gentle on yourself and enjoy your running.

  6. I am just as full of crazy… you must be crazier the me to be able to run that far lol. I admire you a lot !

  7. LOVE that shirt! Can’t wait to cheer you on from here! Dang, with all that training, there is certainly a bikini in your future!

  8. “I suppose I’m in this place where I really do need to take things a day at a time. A moment at a time. A second at a time.”

    Good idea. It’s the only thing that works for me at the moment.
    Good Luck!

  9. I love the shirt. Apropos.

    As we plod through then endless wait of adoption and I reconsider all possible ways we could bring a child to us, I am also considering visiting, in therapy, how I would feel being a family of three. While it seemingly goes against all I have spent the better part of the last four years working toward, it is beginning to feel like it may be my reality.

    I do have to say, as much as I do NOT want to be pregnant again, there is no way, if I wanted another child, that I could donate my frozen embryos to another couple. I’m not judging, only saying, I am glad they are frozen and glad they are there…

    So, yes, one day, one thing at a time.

  10. Applause for your purchase, and for running. I’ll look forward to your marathon training updates. I need to get off this couch already …

  11. That’s a great shirt. I always got the impression people thought I was crazy when I told them I was training for a marathon, so maybe the shirt would’ve just cleared up any questions 🙂 I look forward to hearing your training progress.

    Wishing for your days, moments, and seconds to get easier.

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