Because I’m Full of Crazy.May 12, 2011 at 9:49 am | Posted in And I ran (I ran so far away), Crazy Talk (aka: Therapy) | 14 Comments
Yesterday was a rough day, emotionally.
In the morning, when I was getting ready for work, the only thought in my head was this one:
We have three embryos in the freezer. Why the EFF don’t we just USE them?
And it struck me – one of my main IF coping mechanisms is now gone. Because, see. The NEXT cycle has always been my way of dealing with the Suck of a BFN.
What will we do different next cycle? Maybe THAT will be the ticket and we’ll get pregnant.
Except now it’s different. Because J and I decided that we’re done. We don’t HAVE another cycle. And so yesterday morning, I felt a yearning to revisit that decision and just get RID of our remaining embryos.
But then I started thinking about the reality of going back to my doctor. And MAN. I REALLY don’t want to go back, either.
I just wish I were pregnant. Now.
Yesterday morning, I couldn’t see a way out of the Stuck Place. And so I spent my commute to work wiping the tears away. (Thank goodness I forgot to put on makeup.) And my morning dragged by.
Until I found a website of running gear with really funny phrases.
And so I bought myself this shirt.
Feeling marginally better, I went to my therapy session. Where I quickly realized that I was ANGRY. I spent most of my therapy session crying, too.
But at the end, when I told my therapist that I didn’t know how I was going to get through all of this, she said something pretty damn awesome.
So you said you are coping by running. Okay, you have a 5 day a week running schedule. That means that there will be 2 days where you’ll feel overwhelmed and sad.
Holy crap, she’s right.
Somehow that put things into perspective for me. Two days a week of feeling bad? Okay, I can handle it. If I expect it, and breathe through it, and keep putting one foot in front of the other on those days, I’ll get through the day.
Until endorphins make me feel better the next morning.
I suppose I’m in this place where I really do need to take things a day at a time. A moment at a time. A second at a time.
The one thing I think I’m going to add to my posts, though, is a weekly update of where I am with my marathon training. My mileage, how I feel, what I accomplished last week in my training, and my goals for the current week.
Because yeah. I’m full of crazy right now.
But it’s all I got*.