Feeling.May 20, 2011 at 12:49 pm | Posted in Infertility, The End of Trying | 6 Comments
Last night I wrote the very last of the checks we’ve been writing to pay off our $3K bill to our clinic.
We’re now done paying for this past winter and spring’s Big Fail.
It was very freeing, actually, to know that we don’t need to transact at ALL with my clinic.
In the short term, at least. They will, no doubt, bill us timely for the storage of the last three embryos we have in the future.
But for now, we are free to fail on our own.
Or, you know, NOT fail.
I think at some point in EVERY one of my sessions, my therapist says this.
It’s just a feeling.
Okay, so I admit it: I’m emotionally stunted. I never learned how to DEAL with emotions. What I’ve consequently done is: a) ignored that they were there and real, b) criticized myself out of HAVING them, and/or c) tried to outrun them.
And learning how to accept my emotions has been a bit of a rough go with me because of that. I tend to freak the fuck out that I’m feeling crappy, like it’s the emotional equivalent of my face getting frozen that way.
So I think my therapist keeps saying the above to remind me that just because I feel something strongly, it doesn’t mean I’m going to feel this way forever.
And – the biggest issue – I can’t JUDGE myself for feeling one way or another.
I’m not going to lie to you. It’s hard right now. Sitting with my emotions makes me edgy and cranky and tired and grumpy. I want to run screaming into the night. I’m angry. Sad. Happy. Free.
It’s messy, and tiring, and hard to deal with emotions.
But at the same time, I’m LEARNING.
When I wrote that check last night, I took stock of my emotions.
And the biggest one was this soaring sense of FREEDOM.
We chose to stop treatments. We stepped off the treadmill of Want and Fail and Ache and Hope and Despair by our own devices. Because we think that life in the here and now should be MORE than the endless cycle of assisted reproduction.
It hurts, yes. But not all the time.
I have my life back.
I can plan for my grandparents’ 65th wedding anniversary cruise this coming Christmas. ( Do you remember when they took us on a cruise for their 60th? They’re doing it again for their 65th!)
I’ve lost 5lbs since the BFN, and I am on track to lose 5lbs more.
I am planning for a marathon in October.
I’m running a really cool relay called The Race to the Beach in September with some coworkers in my Company’s name to raise money for the American Heart Association.
I no longer have to caveat plans with “if I’m pregnant…”
Even though this was not what I would have chosen if we didn’t have to, it was a CHOICE. And that’s a big deal.
Because if I can choose to stop treatments, maybe I can also choose to be happy. Maybe I can choose to look at my life as it is now and see the GOOD in it.
Maybe that means I can choose to see the good in ME, instead of the fail.
And of course, it’s not all the time. I’m not going to lie. It hurts a LOT right now. I fall back into my old habits often.
But when I do? I just remember what my therapist says.
It’s just a feeling.
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