Melon Collie and the Infinite Sadness.

May 23, 2011 at 10:35 am | Posted in And I ran (I ran so far away), Heartbreak, Infertility | 15 Comments

(Yeah, it’s back. Just a feeling. But overwhelming me today.)

I woke up from a dream this morning where Dr. HIT was pointing out to me that the patient sitting next to me in the waiting room had done 9 IVFs and still wasn’t pregnant with her first.

And she and I ended up talking, but the whole time I kept beating myself up because I HAD a kid at home who I loved more than anything and why isn’t he enough?


It’s raining. Again.

Tomorrow marks the day my cousin took my uncle’s gun to school and killed herself during 2nd period.

Seventeen years she was on this earth.

Seventeen fucking years she’s been gone.

And it seems to get HARDER, not easier, over time.

J has decided, now that we’re done, that it’s okay to start talking about the fact that we’re infertile. He told our next door neighbors this weekend that we were done with kids and it wasn’t by choice.

But the thing is. It WAS by choice. It was a choice to stop treatments.

I know what he means, but that phrase makes me angry nonetheless.

O didn’t nap this weekend, not on either day. He went to bed early, though. Fell asleep nearly instantly both nights.

Last night, he asked me to lay in his bed with him. And just before he went to sleep, he turned towards me. His face was inches from mine.

And since it was still light out I could make out his features – his eyes opened, staring into mine, then slowly closed.

And then he slept.

And I just stared.

I didn’t know I could love a person so deeply, so neverendingly, so widely and hugely and with every fiber of my being.

He is without a doubt the best thing that has ever happened to me.

He is enough.

He has to be enough.



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  1. I’m sorry to hear you’re struggling a bit today. I’m here for you if you need anything.

  2. Keeping you in my prayers..

  3. Oh dear, Sorry to hear that you are hurting today. I hope tom is a much better day. HUGS

  4. Oh my sweet friend, wow. That’s a hard couple of days…and I wish there was something I could do to make things easier, better.

    Just know I’m thinking ofyou today, as I always do, with love and support.

  5. So sorry that the anniversary of your cousin’s death is coming at a time when you’re so sad already. But I’m also so glad that you’re able to think about your immense love for O, and that it’s a comfort to you during this time. Thinking of you, as always.

  6. I know that TK is enough for me but there are just days when I also know that I wanted more and it has nothing to do with whether TK is enough or not.

    I’m sorry this is turning out to be a bad, bad day and on a day son close to the anniversary of your cousin’s death. I wish there was more I could do then send words through a computer.

  7. I have been traveling nonstop – so keeping up with your news but unable to comment until now. I just wanted to tell you that you’re in my prayers and I wish you will find peace with all of this swirly emotion. I think you are hugely brave and I’m completely inspired by that.

  8. I feel so sorry for your pain. I can’t imagine the constant heartbreak you have gone through and currently going through. I’m not trying to throw salt, but you have three more eggs ready to go…why not just try this one last time. Those could be a child. Your child. Maybe they won’t be but at least after that you have nothing else to fall back on.

  9. I’m sorry. I think it’s normal. Shitty, but normal. Loss – it’s all loss – and grief aren’t nice linear processes, are they?

    O is enough, of course, just as BabyHope is – but I want more than enough every day.

    Thinking of you.

  10. I hate this … that people with one child feel like they are not allowed to want another, or they seem ungrateful for the first. Wanting another doesn’t make you love the first any less. O. is a blessing, and it’s OK to grieve the loss of what you hoped would be, as well as what you have lost. *hug*

  11. Abiding with you and sending lots of thoughts and prayers your way. Days and times like this are so bittersweet. Of course we feel so blessed and grateful for the child(ren) we have in our lives and our homes. But I think that doesn’t preclude us from thinking and dreaming about more, even after we have decided to be done. Hang in there. These times of transition are not easy, especially when we have defined ourselves by our struggles to build/expand our families for so long. Hang in there. (((HUGS)))

    As for the eve of the anniversary of your cousin’s death, I am so sorry for your loss. 17 years later. That is a long time to miss someone. I get how you never get over such a loss though and am sending lots of healing thoughts and prayers your way.

    “What we have once enjoyed and loved deeply we can never lose. For all that we love deeply becomes a part of us.” ~ Helen Keller

  12. I’m sorry you have so much weighing on you right now. It takes my breath away to know that someone you loved has been gone as long as you knew her. Wishing you peace as you continue to work through it all.

  13. Serenity, this is a beautiful post. It reminds me of a post Alice from Finslippy wrote years ago, about her son Henry being an only child. And how, when people asked her if he was “all she had” … She ended the post with a photo of him, writing:

    “Look at him. Look at all I have.”

    It was bloody beautiful.

    My love and heart go out to you hon xo

  14. Abiding with you Serenity.

  15. Thinking of you. {Hugs}

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