Melon Collie and the Infinite Sadness.May 23, 2011 at 10:35 am | Posted in And I ran (I ran so far away), Heartbreak, Infertility | 15 Comments
(Yeah, it’s back. Just a feeling. But overwhelming me today.)
I woke up from a dream this morning where Dr. HIT was pointing out to me that the patient sitting next to me in the waiting room had done 9 IVFs and still wasn’t pregnant with her first.
And she and I ended up talking, but the whole time I kept beating myself up because I HAD a kid at home who I loved more than anything and why isn’t he enough?
It’s raining. Again.
Tomorrow marks the day my cousin took my uncle’s gun to school and killed herself during 2nd period.
Seventeen years she was on this earth.
Seventeen fucking years she’s been gone.
And it seems to get HARDER, not easier, over time.
J has decided, now that we’re done, that it’s okay to start talking about the fact that we’re infertile. He told our next door neighbors this weekend that we were done with kids and it wasn’t by choice.
But the thing is. It WAS by choice. It was a choice to stop treatments.
I know what he means, but that phrase makes me angry nonetheless.
O didn’t nap this weekend, not on either day. He went to bed early, though. Fell asleep nearly instantly both nights.
Last night, he asked me to lay in his bed with him. And just before he went to sleep, he turned towards me. His face was inches from mine.
And since it was still light out I could make out his features – his eyes opened, staring into mine, then slowly closed.
And then he slept.
And I just stared.
I didn’t know I could love a person so deeply, so neverendingly, so widely and hugely and with every fiber of my being.
He is without a doubt the best thing that has ever happened to me.
He is enough.
He has to be enough.