May 31, 2011 at 10:08 am | Posted in Uncategorized | 9 Comments

I go from one extreme to the next.

My heart is full watching O do something new.

Like riding an actual roller coaster at the local amusement park this weekend, where he belly laughed his way through the entire ride, then begged to go back.

We are getting our life back in bits and pieces.

Like yesterday, where he sat proudly “in the RESTAURANT!” and ordered himself mac and cheese and juice.

Or in the afternoon, where he insisted: I NEED to mow the lawn! and followed J around with his toy mower, pretending to work really hard at cutting our grass.

I do, in fact, have some form of control over things in my life.

Like Saturday, where I took a 7 mile run (i.e. LSD) and made it 9 miles, just because I felt great.

I see a light at the end of a tunnel when it comes to being overwhelmed with catch up tasks after a weekend away.

Because having an only child means one of us can work more on a part time basis; sooner than we thought.

Maybe even this fall.


Then there’s the pain, too.

Like watching our friends’s kids play with their siblings this weekend, seeing the oldest boy look out for his younger siblings.

Or when one of the kids asked Owen if he had a brother or a sister, and he looked at me, sort of confused.

Or noting all the pregnant bellies at the amusement park, most of them with older kids in strollers.

At one moment, I could be thrilled with the freedom of having a son who is fast turning into a little boy, who is willing to go along and have fun with us, try something like a roller coaster because I’m there with him.

And the next moment I long for something I can’t have and rail at the unfairness of it all.

I thought that stopping treatments would have stopped this back and forth.

I was wrong, I suppose.



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  1. Gosh, Serenity, I read your posts and I can almost feel what you’re feeling. Obviously not exactly, but part of me has an aching heart for you that I can’t find the words to describe. I have a random question: I know you said “no more” after this last cycle and that was it. But is there a reason you can’t just at least use the frozen embryos for a “hail mary” cycle? It may not work and maybe it’s more roller-coaster than you want to put yourself on since you’re trying to hard to get through this grief… it might be a step backward. But I just wondered.

    I remember when we wre trying for #2 and I had to constantly list all the good things about having an only child if it came to that. I won’t list them because I know it doesn’t help your hurting heart. But please know, I’m thinking of you often. You’re a wonderful Mom to O.

  2. I’m sorry for the emotional rollercoaster of it all and the duality of all these emotions. I am hoping that with time the pleasures of being a mom to an only child will outweigh the pain of the alternative. Kudos on the run!!!

  3. It’s so hard to come to peace with a decision that was FORCED on you by IF. Yes, there are good things about it-but its the silver LINING in a dark cloud. Are you trying to force yourself to feel a certain way? Or you trying to force yourself into being at peace with something that you haven’t made peace with? I don’t know-I’m just thinking out loud.

    I am so sorry. You’re right-it isn’t fair.

  4. It came back to me–feeling that awful roller coaster of emotions–when I read your post. So true.

  5. I so feel you. If you go back and look at some of the earliest posts on my blog, I do the back and forth and back and forth about whether to pursue having #2 and if so, how. It was agonizing. And, now, even though we are here and now home study approved to domestically adopt, I still go back and forth. Just yesterday my husband and I were discussing whether we should just stop and be content as a family of three.
    Here is what I am coming to feel and believe, my son IS enough. Just having him IS enough. And, as I am believing that, I am questioning whether to continue our pursuit of #2. As you know from my recent post, I feel like we are ‘pot committed’ and there is no reason to pull back, yet, but as we’ve just bought a new house and our son will be starting private school next year, I am rethinking it. Seriously.
    I hope you find your peaceful place and that your wound begins to heal.

  6. I nodded my head throughout this whole post. I constantly think about how I can breathe more freely now, knowing that there will be no treatments in the future and how I can just enjoy every single minute of TK growing up and not have to take away my focus on him and let that fill my heart. Yet, I also think about how if I had gotten pregnant on my last cycle, THAT would have filled my heart, too, just in a different way and how I would have loved to focus my attention on 2 kids. It’s almost like living 2 different realities at the same time.

  7. Considering how much of your life you spent thinking a family of four was ideal, the amount of time that has passed since you moved on from treatments is just a drop in the bucket. It sounds like you’ve made a lot of progress moving forward as a family of three, and I wish you didn’t have to ride this emotional roller coaster, but I truly believe you will reach a point where the dips on the roller coaster are small and the peaks are very high. And I look forward to seeing the ways in which having an only child allows you choices that will make all three of your lives richer.

  8. Just wanted to let you know I’m thinking of you and hope things get easier.

  9. Serenity, O will not miss having a sibling. You are feeling sadness because you have images of what might have been…and he has none of those. He has you all to himself. He will reap enormous benefits being in a family of 3. You will have more freedom of movement, more college cash, more free time..the list goes on and on.
    I know none of that will ever take away that twinge in your heart, but take it from me, O will thrive.
    I grew up solo (brother is 14 years older than I am-so he really doesn’t count 😉 and I adored my peace and quiet. If I wanted chaos and fighting, I went to a friends house.

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