Free.

July 18, 2011 at 10:02 am | Posted in Moving On. | 11 Comments

Ever since J and I had the weekend talk about our lack of hope with ART, I’ve felt something shift inside me.

It’s like I’m finally coming to terms with the idea that we’re done, really DONE, with trying for a baby.

We’re not just taking a break.

We’re done forever.

And so I’ve decided to start going through O’s outgrown stuff and doing something with it.

Because I’ve had this sadness associated with knowing that the baby gear, the clothes, would be stuck in the attic forever. And I’ve been scared that the longer I wait to go through it and use it, the bigger the Grief will be when I finally DO work on letting it go.

Because for me, the stuff in my head is SO much bigger than what’s real.

So I’ve been giving stuff away.

I gave two bags of 24 month – 2T clothing to our friends who have a 2 year old.

And this weekend, I gave away most of my maternity clothes and pregnancy pillow to J’s cousin’s wife.

I’ve offered up O’s old 6-12 month clothing to my best friend’s SIL, who had a baby this past April.

Shockingly, the getting rid of part wasn’t that hard. When L opened up the sweater I was wearing the day my water broke, I remarked on how I was able to wear it right up until the end of my pregnancy.

And when I parted with O’s “Lucky” T-shirt, I realized that, well, I had pictures of him in that shirt, so it was okay that it was going to someone else.

I’ve never been much of a collector or a holder-of-things.

There’s something about purging belongings that’s freeing. Like letting go of it helps me accept that yes, I’m moving on, and it’s okay.

And knowing that the clothes are going to someone who will get USE out of them, well, that’s a pretty big deal.

It’s like the act of HELPING someone takes the bitter of IF and turns it into something sweeter.

Making lemonade, I suppose.

But I’m feeling BETTER.

It’s like the past few weeks I’ve felt GOOD more than I’ve felt bad. Which is very different than I’ve felt in the past.

It feels tenuous, of course. Like I could slip slide back into the Bad Place if I’m not careful.

But I’m healing.

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11 Comments »

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  1. I love going through the old stuff–and then giving it to someone else. I think it does help in letting go.

    Glad to see you healing!

  2. I remember shopping for gender neutral baby gear when I was pregnant with Lyla because I was so sure I would have another child. I have given away almost everything by now, I had to… The little baby clothes were the hardest but I am so happy that my niece is wearing them now. Yesterday my friend came over to get my maternity clothes and I wasn’t sad at all. What gets me sometimes is seeing a woman pregnant with a child close to Lyla’s age. It makes me wonder about what could have been. I am healing too and more and more I realize how lucky I am to have Lyla. I could’ve easily been a mother of none… so I am will forever grateful to be the mother of one… one special little girl.

  3. GAH! You are the second person to talk about this today. I feel like the universe is telling me something.

    Also, I’m proud of you. You are so brave.

  4. I have been coming to terms for some time (because I now am no longer sure that we’ll ever be matched to adopt) and so gave away my maternity clothes to a pregnant friend. To my horror, she returned them after her daughter was born, so I donated them to a yard sale fund raiser I chair at my son’s school.

    This weekend, in anticipation of our BIG move (after 16 years living here) to our new house, I decided to sell all of the baby gear I’ve been holding on to, you know, just in case. So, the jumperoo, swing, high chair, infant carrier + base, and two strollers are all going.

    I feel like I am preparing for the dream of having another to end all the time (and don’t know if it is a defense mechanism or my heart & mind’s ways of moving on while in the limbo of the quiet wait of adoption). I can say this, though, I feel freerer and lighter and not as bogged down.

  5. Wow. Will you stop writing what’s in my head? Because it is freaking. me. out.

    That part about being afraid that the longer you wait to go through O’s things the bigger the grief will become rings more than true for me. And also the tenuousness of it all. (I secretly wonder if I will wake up in the middle of the night and want to call all the people I gave TK’s clothes away to and beg for them back!) But, yes, I feel a freedom from doing this even though there is sadness. I feel a sense of regaining control somehow. Infertility may keep me from adding to my family, but it can’t keep me from trying to make the best of what I have. And yes, it’s going to be okay. Maybe even more than okay.

  6. This is a nice post. I like the lemonade comparison. I’m not much for collecting, either. Sometimes I do wish I had kept this or that — certain size newborn sleepers that I gave away before realizing that the sleepers are very precious to me. But for the most part I’m very happy with the few items I have kept. And these remaining clothes are extra special because they only belonged to I & N and weren’t worn and worn out by younger siblings. There was just that one baby time. My mom had 3 kids, but I was the only girl and my brothers were twins, so in my mom’s keepsake box, our baby clothes are very gently worn and my mom’s nostalgia is more focused than it would be if we had more siblings or more same-sex siblings.

  7. Great to see this, Serenity….I am hoping I can learn from you as we navigate trying to come to terms of whether or not we are done. xoxo

  8. This is so wonderful to read … and yes, it’s hard, but there’s something healing about helping others … giving new life to the “things” that remind us of the future that wasn’t meant to be.

  9. I was suprisingly (at least to me) unemotional as I sold / gave / donated all the stuff. I still have the crib bedding – I haven’t managed to let go of it. Glad you are feeling good about it – I will say about a month after I had major regrets – not sure why exactly. One of those things, I suppose.

  10. I absolutely LOVE purging. It makes me so happy and you are so very right… it is ultimately freeing. I’m happy that you have come to a place of decision and finality instead of just a ‘break’. And wow! feeling good more than bad, that’s great. I don’t know what that’s like yet. 🙂

  11. I love the way you are thinking in this post. I am nodding to say you’re right, but also knowing you had to battle through some tough times to get into this headspace. It sounds logical, but it is so difficult to be logical until you’re ready.

    Bea


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