Free.July 18, 2011 at 10:02 am | Posted in Moving On. | 11 Comments
Ever since J and I had the weekend talk about our lack of hope with ART, I’ve felt something shift inside me.
It’s like I’m finally coming to terms with the idea that we’re done, really DONE, with trying for a baby.
We’re not just taking a break.
We’re done forever.
And so I’ve decided to start going through O’s outgrown stuff and doing something with it.
Because I’ve had this sadness associated with knowing that the baby gear, the clothes, would be stuck in the attic forever. And I’ve been scared that the longer I wait to go through it and use it, the bigger the Grief will be when I finally DO work on letting it go.
Because for me, the stuff in my head is SO much bigger than what’s real.
So I’ve been giving stuff away.
I gave two bags of 24 month – 2T clothing to our friends who have a 2 year old.
And this weekend, I gave away most of my maternity clothes and pregnancy pillow to J’s cousin’s wife.
I’ve offered up O’s old 6-12 month clothing to my best friend’s SIL, who had a baby this past April.
Shockingly, the getting rid of part wasn’t that hard. When L opened up the sweater I was wearing the day my water broke, I remarked on how I was able to wear it right up until the end of my pregnancy.
And when I parted with O’s “Lucky” T-shirt, I realized that, well, I had pictures of him in that shirt, so it was okay that it was going to someone else.
I’ve never been much of a collector or a holder-of-things.
There’s something about purging belongings that’s freeing. Like letting go of it helps me accept that yes, I’m moving on, and it’s okay.
And knowing that the clothes are going to someone who will get USE out of them, well, that’s a pretty big deal.
It’s like the act of HELPING someone takes the bitter of IF and turns it into something sweeter.
Making lemonade, I suppose.
But I’m feeling BETTER.
It’s like the past few weeks I’ve felt GOOD more than I’ve felt bad. Which is very different than I’ve felt in the past.
It feels tenuous, of course. Like I could slip slide back into the Bad Place if I’m not careful.
But I’m healing.