Epiphany.July 22, 2011 at 10:44 am | Posted in And I ran (I ran so far away), milestones, Moving On., My life | 15 Comments
As part of my marathon training, I decided to sign up for a 12 week running clinic sponsored by a local running club.
The first meeting was last night.
I’ve never done real speedwork before. I’ve tried to run fartleks, but mostly what I’ve done is a tempo run – where I aim at a certain pace for a mile.
These were 200m repeats – a much shorter distance than a mile. With a walk and about 60-90 second break in between. And we were put in a pacing group that closely matched our best 5K pace.
About three repeats in, it was like it all clicked for me.
I’m MADE for this.
I was seeing pace numbers on my garmin that I never THOUGHT I’d do. I mean, yeah, it was for 200m each time, so less than a minute of hard running, with a minute and a half break.
And it wasn’t effortless, either. It was hard work. It was hot and humid, and my legs by the end were sort of like jelly.
But I LOVED EVERY MINUTE OF IT.
There have been very few times in my adult life where I’ve felt that click. Where I didn’t have to THINK, or work hard, or work around some sort of mental block, or work on getting BETTER at something.
I was just naturally good at the drill we did last night. And at the end, I was in love with the running club and speed drills. (And the coach a little bit too!)
I’ve been focusing so hard on running long distances, being conservative in my pace, slowing down, that I never realized.
I’m made for running short and fast.
And it got me thinking. If I’ve done this with running, then I MUST have done this with other things in my life, too.
Look at my career.
I was the kid who struggled with math in school. I am not naturally detail oriented. I cannot add or divide in my head. I don’t know most conversions, and I STILL get confused over debits and credits in a lot of cases. Do I debit an equity account to increase it? Or credit it?
Yet I’m a CPA who does detail-oriented numbers work in debits and credits for a living.
Thing is. I have spent the majority of my adult life working on the stuff I’m not naturally good at.
I’ve had this idea that I need to PROVE that if I work hard, I can do anything I put my mind to.
I can, you know. We, as humans, are far more capable than we give ourselves credit for.
But it doesn’t make me HAPPY. Last night, at the end of those drills, I was HAPPY. Completely unexpectedly, I found something I was naturally good at. And I want to go out and do it AGAIN. Soon.
So I’m starting to realize that my unhappiness stems from the fact that I haven’t really focused on what makes me happy. Truth be told, aside from running fast?
I don’t really KNOW what makes me happy. I have spent so much of my life trying to prove something that I’ve lost sight of what I’m good at, what I love to do, what makes me happy.
And see. I’ve been thinking for a while now that I need to change up this blog.
Because I feel like I’ve written myself into the proverbial IF corner. Yes, I KNOW I could write about so much more here, but I feel pigeonholed into the Parenting-After-IF space.
And I have a really, REALLY cool idea for my new space.
The Serenity Project.
A year of living mindfully. Looking at everything in my life, being thankful in the moment for my happiness, but CATALOGUING it. Writing it down, exploring it, finding out why it makes me happy.
Because if I write out my happiness, maybe I’ll start to see a pattern.
And maybe if I see a pattern, I’ll be able to start to live my life in a way that will make me happy – REALLY happy. Not just okay with moments of happiness. But finding that click inside me, living a fulfilled life, savoring real and lasting happiness.
So bear with me. There are going to be some changes around here. A new look, a new feel, for sure. Perhaps a new URL.
SO excited about this idea.
I hope you will all continue to journey with me.