Little Earthquakes.September 1, 2011 at 12:03 pm | Posted in A Year of Mindfulness, My life | 10 Comments
Yesterday I went out for a 5 mile run. I was feeling really good in the first mile, so I decided to set my pace faster than I usually go.
I expected it, but it got hard in the third mile.
It’s a mental thing, when I’m trying to run sometimes. My body screams I CAN’T DO THIS! PLEASE MAKE IT STOP!
And I slow a touch, and I force my body to keep going instead of stopping. And inevitably, my body figures it out, and it DOES get easier.
But it was during that Hell Time, where I was willing myself to keep going, that I saw them.
I didn’t know what it was at first – coming out of the darkness it was like a bike, but a runner.
No. It was a man pushing a woman in a wheelchair. The woman was stick thin and bent in what seemed like unnatural angles to me.
And as I came closer, she raised both of her hands, a huge smile on her face, and waved at me enthusiastically.
HI! she said. HI!!!
My good morning back to her was delivered more enthusiastically than usual, and I matched her smile.
The rest of the mile was so much easier.
I am so thankful to have met her.
I was telling my therapist about my post last week, the one where I admitted I felt like I was faking motherhood and marathons. But that it was okay because everyone else is faking it too.
And she asked me, What about the early mom stuff was faking to you?
So I told her that I mostly relied on my SIL, my friends, my mother, my MIL because I knew NOTHING about babies. I even gave her the example of how I had NO IDEA that babies just didn’t fall asleep on their own, that you had to actually put them down for a nap in order to get them to sleep. How I hated feeling so unprepared for being a parent because I thought O would die before he even got here. How if I knew he’d be healthy and fine, I would have read more.
So you have to READ to learn how to be a parent? she asked me.
Wait a second. Was she talking about learning styles?
Turns out, what I’ve been seeing as “faking” is really just LEARNING. It’s different than book learning. It’s learning by DOING.
I’ve been biased against learning by doing for many, many years now.
And it took my therapist to say something for me to realize it.
Now that I’ve realized it, my Inner Critic isn’t as prevalent. Because all I tell her to get her to back off is this:
Shut up. We’re LEARNING.
It’s really hard to believe that the 10th anniversary of September 11 is coming up so soon.
I still remember that morning.
The moment where our CEO told us to go home and be with our families…
… and I realized I was alone. I had no family.
In hindsight, that day was really awful for me. I didn’t lose any friends in the attack. I didn’t know anyone who lost someone that day.
My most vivid memory was trying to find something, anything to do so that I didn’t have to go back to my apartment and sit there by myself.
So much has changed since then.
I’ve changed so much since then, too.
I spent a lot of time when we were trying the first time around trying to make SENSE of our infertility, to take a lesson from it.
I tried to turn it into positives.
And it would be remiss of me to mention that I DO think infertility had some silver linings for me. Not being a naturally patient person, having to work hard for a LONG TIME to get pregnant helped me cultivate a patience I might not have if we got pregnant right away.
And I always remain thankful for O, even at my most annoyed, underlying everything is this thought.
He might not have ever gotten here. He’s worth it.
This time around?
I’m angry. And I don’t have the energy to turn our experience this time around into a positive. We ended up empty-handed after three frozen cycles and two fresh cycles.
I mean, I guess it’s good we only spend $3k on the entire process.
But by fuck, it was NOT worth it.
I’m angry, really angry at infertility. For making it hard on us the first time, and then bitch-slapping us the second time.
My therapist keeps telling me that it’s okay to be angry, that you can accept something and still be angry.
I just hope as time goes on the anger fades a bit, that’s all.
I am still struggling with this blog and what I want to do with it.
Because I am experiencing little earthquakes, but nothing that’s changed my life or my usual patterns. I feel like I’m waiting for the path to open up to me so I can start walking again.
Or maybe it’s just the fact that my marathon training, work, and parenting a three year old is all I seem to have the energy for.
Either way, I’m still working through what my next steps might be. And I want to thank you all for bearing with me. I haven’t been the best kind of blogger lately.