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September 13, 2011 at 7:58 am | Posted in Uncategorized | 42 Comments

I TOLD you I was bad at goodbyes.

Thank you for all the sweet emails and messages. The one thing they made me realize is that I haven’t really explained WHY I need to leave this space.

And I owe it to you, my readers, to explain a bit more.

In those dark days of trying for O, when I despaired of ever being a parent, when I thought maybe something I did made it that I didn’t deserve to be a mom, I spent a lot of time negotiating.

I can’t tell you how many times I told myself if I had a baby, I’d never ask for anything again.

The thing about infertility once you have a kid is that there is this PRESSURE to be happy with what you’ve got.

It’s like, well, I got lucky once. And remember that bargain you made, Serenity? Where you said you’d never ask for anything more?

Why isn’t he enough?

He SHOULD be enough.

And he IS.

But. Since we stopped trying, I’ve gotten more and more BITTER about infertility. I’m bitter about the people who get to complete their family. I’m bitter about the people who choose to have only one. I’m angry and disheartened that when it comes to building our family we got completely FUCKED.

Yes, we have O. And don’t think I’m not thankful for him.

But it’s not fucking FAIR that we don’t get to have as many babies as we want.

And everytime I come here, this space of mine, all I see is what I don’t have.

I’m so TIRED. I started this blog 6 years ago when we were in the throes of trying and we didn’t even know there was a problem. This has been such a long journey.

And the bitter is starting to eat away at my soul.

I’m really scared that it’ll become permanent if I don’t figure out how to move on.

I need to find the new me. I need to let this space go, and figure out how to live my life in the here and now, and accept the bitter with the sweet. I can’t do that here.

So that’s the explanation. I’m sorry I did such a bad job of explaining before now. And I do want to thank you all for the support and love and community you’ve given me for so many years now.

xoxo

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  1. I can’t even begin to tell you how pissed I am FOR you. You’re right: you got fucked. And you — of all people, YOU — don’t deserve that. You deserve every single thing your heart desires. And it sucks big sweaty donkey balls that the one thing you want more than anything, is the one thing that no amount of hard work and perseverence will give you. I don’t even know what else to say. I confess: I often feel a level of survivors guilt (for you, and for many other deserving people who can’t build their dream familiy… a friend who lost two babies at full term a few years apart, a friend who lost twins at 19 weeks over 4 years ago and still has no children, a friend who has no idea WHY she can’t conceive because everything looks medically wonderful…). It’s not FAIR!!!

    I understand the bitter. I do. And my heart hurts for you. More than you probably know.

    However… that said… I really do enjoy your writing! You are FUN to read. I love hearing O stories. I hope that maybe, perhaps one day, you will consider starting a new space where you can continue to write and tell us about O and all your adventures with him. ❤

    xoxo

  2. Serenity-
    I wish you much luck and success in all of your endeavors, but you are right…you probably need to take a break. In so many of your posts within the past year, there is so much sadness and bitterness (and you should be able to have that and vent), but you need to find your happiness and your way. Here with all of the pregancies, babies, hopes and losses, etc..is not your healthy place. There are many blogs that I read where people talk of life, hopes and dreams and that is where I want to see you one day…When you are ready…Because you have a lot to offer to everyone…See, I’ve never suffered from infertility, never suffered a major loss or been through therapy, BUT you and many others have taught me what to say, what NOT to say, how to react or not react to these situations and that means more to me than I think you will ever know. and probably more to the others I interact with…

    Til we meet again,
    Leslie B.

  3. I am so sad to see you leave. You’ve meant so much to me all these years. But I GET it. I stopped too.
    Please don’t allow yourself to feel guilty for mourning a decision that the universe made FOR you. It sucks.
    Just because your pain may not be the same as others – doesn’t mean yours isn’t real.
    I’ll still think of you as always.
    xoxo

  4. So glad you left the comments on this time! I so badly wanted to write and say something, but I figured, since you left them off, I’d respect your wishes and not cheat by emailing you or commenting on another post.

    I can understand why you need a break, and why you need to leave this space. As you said, it’s always hard to suddenly not be a part of someone’s life when you’re used to reading updates almost every day, but it’s important for us – your readers – to know that maybe it’s best for you. I hope that leaving this blog will help you to move on and find happiness. But, selfishly, I also hope that it is just a break, and that somehow, maybe in another space, you’ll start writing again.

    I will miss you!

  5. All of this mkes perfect sense to me. To move on, to move forward. I will miss your writing and updates. Love you lots and more than anything I want you to be happy.

  6. I can’t even imagine not being able to read about your family and your life any more. It makes me very sad. I can’t remember a time when I wasn’t reading your blog and it has carried me through my journey.

    I understand the need to move on. I get the bitter. I’m pissed for you too.

    I just want you to know that you will be missed. Deeply.

    And how much I appreciate all the years you let me part of your life and for your honesty.

  7. Like everyone else, I only want you to be happy. That is what we ALL deserve. If coming here doesn’t help, and only serves to retain the bitterness (and I do understand that!) then yes, by all means, let it go. I will be terribly sad not to read your updates and hear how O is doing, but it’s more important for you and your family to be happy with what you DO have. So I wish you nothing but the best. I wish you love. I wish you happiness and joy. I wish you luck in future endeavours. I wish that now and then you let us know what life holds for you. I wish you a life full of friends and wonderful things. But above all my dear friend Serenity, I wish you peace. Thank you for letting us all share your story. Onwards and upwards!
    Love to you and yours,
    Gillian (aka Gil)

  8. I TOTALLY understand.. I contemplate the same thing on a daily basis.. I will miss your blogging but you have to do what is best for you and we all get that. Prayers for you for peace and happiness.. xoxoxo!

  9. I am still going to hold out hope for Serenity 2.0.

    All of our lives ebb and flow and I am hoping that when the time comes that blogging will bring a good release for you, that you will be back.

    I have enjoyed seeing O grow and blossom into the little man he has become. Just know that there will be so many more wonderful times with him. He will make your heart swell with pride, and make your heart melt. Enjoy it all.

  10. Wishing you all the best on the next stage of your journey with O. Much love and thanks for all the support you’ve given and for making me feel no so alone in feeling angry, mad, sad and everything in between about my “incomplete” family as well. Good luck!

  11. I could have written that post word for word. I TOTALLY can understand and relate to where you are coming from. It is why I have only post on my blog once or twice in the last year. I had a whole list of infertility blogs that I followed a couple of years ago and now I am down to two that I read (yours being one of them). I just can’t bring myself to follow or let myself be swallowed into that world anymore. It is hard for me to read about other’s treatment plans and cycle after cycle of failure – it makes me angry for them and angry for me and like you said, it is hard to let go and find acceptance (or whatever) when you are constantly reminded of that anger. I’ve thought about starting fresh and creating a new blog but I’m just not there yet. It’s been a year and a half since our failed IVF and a year since our last treatment and I am still very much healing. I’m tired of this world of infertility too. I know all about those bargains that I made the first time around – just like you I said I would never ask for another thing if I could just have a baby. I have thought about that so many times and have tried to renegotiate but I’m not even sure any of that matters. I don’t have any answers or words of wisdom. I just know that you and I are SO alike right now in what we are dealing with. I would love to give you my email but not sure if that makes sense or not. If that would help or hurt, for either of us. Let me know. No matter what, I wish you all the best and hope someday you are able to find peace.

  12. I know I rarely commented, but I kept reading and always enjoyed your posts. I’m sad that I won’t get to read you anymore, but I can’t tell you how much I completely understand what you’re saying. I stopped blogging a year or two ago after we adopted our son for much the same reasons. I don’t read many blogs anymore, but do keep up with a few that I’ve read for a long time. I’m in a different phase of my life and had to move on. I mostly keep up with people through FB now. I wish you peace and luck finding your place of acceptance with your situation. It’s not easy. I am one of those people always thinking about the next thing that needs to be done and I so often don’t live in the moment. Stopping blogging helped me get out of my head a little bit.

    Anyway, take care. I’ll miss you!

  13. Serenity-I’m not sure that I have ever commented on your blog, but I’ve read it regularly for 4 years. You are an amazing woman and I wish you, J, and O all of the happiness in the world. You deserve it.

  14. Serenity… I’m sorry to hear you’re ending this blog. I’ve appreciated reading your journey for the past year. But I can respect the reasons you leave here, and I found your post previous to this remarkably refreshing. It’s like I could see and hear the gears whirring and clicking in your brain: “This is the moment that matters” and now reading this post paired with it, I understand the intention.

    I wish you so much joy and peace. I know you will find and hold these things close in your heart. You’re a brave, incredible woman, and I feel blessed to have seen and read what I have.

    Do stay in touch – you know where to find me.

    Joy & love,
    ~Keiko

  15. Longtime lurker who has quietly been stumbling through this forest on a sometimes-similar path. Wish you and your family all the best going forward, in every sense. May you find that ever-elusive serenity.

  16. Love. Peace. Joy.

    You know, all that good stuff.

    That’s what I’m wishing for you.

  17. I understand. And I will miss reading your blog — very much. Yours is one of maybe 10 blogs (if that) that I visit every couple of days. And before that, I always liked to read your posts on the MSN TTC+6m board. When I was considering IVF, you were one of about a half-dozen bloggers who set an example and helped me make a decision.

    But it is very hard to change a blog’s focus, and even harder to change its audience, so you’re right to stop. Knowing yourself is more important than anything — more than being there for others, or trying to stick it out on a blog that doesn’t work for you.

    Wishing you lots of love and peace.

  18. I will miss reading your blog, but I wish you the best. I hope that by stopping you find the peace and happiness you deserve.

  19. Serenity – all the best to you and your family. I hope you find your happiness. I have enjoyed reading you for the past 5+ years and will miss coming to your page to check in. I read your message yesterday and something told me to come back today. I’m glad I did. Again, all the best, you will be missed.

  20. Please update Facebook more so I’ll at least know what’s going on with you.

    I understand your bitterness — but honestly, I would think that would provoke you to write more. 🙂

  21. Serenity it will be very sad to see this space go, you were one of the first blogs I read and one of my early supporters. I will miss you but your happiness is very important and if this is what it takes, I understand.
    Yes please update FB more often so we can keep in touch.
    Thank you so very much for all your support over the years. xx

  22. I don’t check in for a while–and then you leave!! 😦

    I totally understand your feelings on this and why you must leave. Still makes me sad–you were one of the first blogs I read when I was dealing with my infertility. Your honesty shines through in every post (and that is why it does not surprise me-this ending).

    I hope that we can meet in real life soon…please keep in touch!

  23. Perhaps you didn’t find the happy ending you were hoping for, but you’ve got an unexpected and exciting happy beginning waiting for you, whenever you’re ready to embrace it.

    XOXO

  24. I am one of those who has let her blog go un-updated for 6+ months!

    You were one of the first IF blogs I started reading in 2006… I totally understand, and am so glad we have connected. I hope we can continue to stay in touch on FB.

  25. I rarely commented but always read. You were/are always very inspiring to me Serenity. Everything you wrote was so raw, so real. I could identify with a lot of it.

    I understand the need to move on, but I too am hopeful for a serenity 2.0 someday :).

    You and your words will be greatly missed. I wish you peace and comfort. Enjoy this journey with your sweet little O!!

  26. You were one of the first people that I connected with way back in The Knot days, then the MSN board, then blogging and finally meeting in real life. I totally understand you need to turn it off and begin a new chapter. My life has taken a turn I never imagined and I’m trying to figure out my space as well. I will miss reading about your life. I will miss seeing all the smilarities and differences in two little boys that were so wanted, waited for and arrived in our lives around the same time. I wish you all the best and so glad I can still catch up with you on FB.

  27. This is a perfect explaination and I so get it. I’m very bitter and at some point, hopefully after I have a baby in my arms, I will be able to let this all go and put it behind me. This world is intense and even being in this community, I feel sadness. Please keep in touch somehow, Much love ~ Tippy

  28. Good Luck! Always read, never commented. Enjoy your precious moments with O!

  29. You need to do what you need to do. And if moving away from this space helps you move away from the bitterness, then that is the right thing.
    Thanks for taking the time to say goodbye – it is unsettling when bloggers just simply disappear.

    I wish you all the best!

  30. sending love and peace. i’ll miss you. xo

  31. I’m sorry you’re leaving. I hope we’ll keep up with each other on FB….you will be missed!

  32. You have to do what’s best for you. I, like everyone else who has commented, will miss your writing. I wish you and your family the very very best, and most of all, I hope that at some point, you find some peace and if stopping this blog is a step towards that, then so be it. Best wishes.

  33. Sereniteeeeeeeeeee!

    I can see where you’re coming from, though I’m sorry to see you go. I was looking forward to seeing where you’re going next. Questions: will you be posting occasional updates, do you think? Will you be reading? Are you at all thinking of writing elsewhere? Or is the plan more cold turkey on blogging, forever?

    Bea

  34. I decided to let go of my space too… I didn’t officily say “goodbye”, yet, but I haven’t even tried to blog in weeks.

    I find that after 5 years, all of the IF saddness and trials are too much for me. I watch others struggle, my friends hurting, and it brings it all back. By walking away I am getting back to being myself. I find I am happier, less PTSD prone, and just more “normal”. I am going to keep the friends I have made, but lose the constant reminder of the heartache.

  35. I left the blog space (and my blog) without so much as a goodbye, as I couldn’t figure out how to end. I found each time I tried to post, I no longer knew what to say, and I wasn’t able to to post so much about my own son, because I found myself feeling uncomfortable posting about him. I also had trouble figuring out how to use my blog for support during my IF tribulations without feeling sucked in. And then I didn’t post and now it feels too long, but I have periodically lurked and checked in on people. I started following your blog early on and you were an inspiration. You are still an inspiration and know that you are not alone in where you are – I too am still struggling struggling with IF–now with Asherman’s Syndrome on top of PCOS, so I know my chances for a second are slim to none. I locked away a lot of bad feelings in my heart, and over time, I haven’t had the urge to check on them as much. I know they are still there, but I have too many other things to do and focus on.Sometimes I am completely content with the idea of having an “only” and sometimes I feel bitter and cheated. Know that whatever you do, you will never be alone in how you feel, and I am sure you will find the serenity you are looking for.

  36. Hey, girl!

    Just wanted to tell you that you’ll be missed and that you always have a place here in the community, no matter what!

    Hugs, Jem

  37. Obviously behind on blog reading until tonight. Sucked in my breath reading the last post, but I’m nodding with this one. I’m giving you a hug as you step away, but hope to see you when I’m in your area and you’re in mine. This is not goodbye, right?

  38. Hi there,

    Thank you for stopping by my blog…

    And now I see what you meant – you really do understand.
    I hope that you find peace and closure too!!! I’m sorry that infertility has robbed you of the family you’ve always dreamed of!! I’m sorry that even though you’ve beat it once that it doesn’t automatically make everything better… I wish you all the luck and all the happiness in the world – I’m sorry that I’ve only now discovered your blog…now that you’re “leaving”…

    But – I am happy for you, because I am happy for me – once you find that release…once you find that place where you can be happy and content again… you find yourself again!!!

    xxxx

  39. Oh sweetie I do so understand, but will miss you in this space. Will look forward to more of your exploits on FB, you inspire me with your running!

  40. Sorry for the late comment, I too am probably bad at goodbyes, but just wanted to say I don’t think your moving on needs any justification. Blogs serve a purpose, sometimes that purpose changes, and sometimes they no longer serve that purpose. It is okay to let go.
    HAving said that I wanted to say how grateful I have been for your blog- more importantly for your honesty in your blog. You say it how it is. You are fully who you are. And you don’t try to hide that. And I have felt like (even as non-mother) I relate to what you write and how you write so often. I don’t know how I started reading your blog- but it was before O was born- and I just felt like I learned, was inspired, and was encouraged by the way you shared your story.
    So you will be missed. But you have the full support and best wishes in the future as you navigate the ongoing chapters of this journey.
    Thanks blog friend. For everything.

  41. Way behind too, but I understand. One of the reasons I went private was because I didn’t want to feel like the poster child for infertility any more. there was a huge need to just move BEYOND and start enjoying what we have and living life again, instead of feeling trapped by family building or lack thereof. I will miss your posts though!

  42. I miss you! Hope you and your family are doing well.


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