More.September 13, 2011 at 7:58 am | Posted in Uncategorized | 42 Comments
I TOLD you I was bad at goodbyes.
Thank you for all the sweet emails and messages. The one thing they made me realize is that I haven’t really explained WHY I need to leave this space.
And I owe it to you, my readers, to explain a bit more.
In those dark days of trying for O, when I despaired of ever being a parent, when I thought maybe something I did made it that I didn’t deserve to be a mom, I spent a lot of time negotiating.
I can’t tell you how many times I told myself if I had a baby, I’d never ask for anything again.
The thing about infertility once you have a kid is that there is this PRESSURE to be happy with what you’ve got.
It’s like, well, I got lucky once. And remember that bargain you made, Serenity? Where you said you’d never ask for anything more?
Why isn’t he enough?
He SHOULD be enough.
And he IS.
But. Since we stopped trying, I’ve gotten more and more BITTER about infertility. I’m bitter about the people who get to complete their family. I’m bitter about the people who choose to have only one. I’m angry and disheartened that when it comes to building our family we got completely FUCKED.
Yes, we have O. And don’t think I’m not thankful for him.
But it’s not fucking FAIR that we don’t get to have as many babies as we want.
And everytime I come here, this space of mine, all I see is what I don’t have.
I’m so TIRED. I started this blog 6 years ago when we were in the throes of trying and we didn’t even know there was a problem. This has been such a long journey.
And the bitter is starting to eat away at my soul.
I’m really scared that it’ll become permanent if I don’t figure out how to move on.
I need to find the new me. I need to let this space go, and figure out how to live my life in the here and now, and accept the bitter with the sweet. I can’t do that here.
So that’s the explanation. I’m sorry I did such a bad job of explaining before now. And I do want to thank you all for the support and love and community you’ve given me for so many years now.