Closure.

December 9, 2011 at 1:43 pm | Posted in Moving On. | 11 Comments

This cycle from the get go has been a pain in the ass.

First there was the call from the pharmacy the day after meeting with my doctor about the FSH injections I’d be doing. (Uh, no thanks.)

Then there was the insurance paperwork. The 3d u/s of Ute. The SHS. The endometrial biopsy Dr. HIT wanted to do, just to make sure that the septum wasn’t back.

Then there was the breakthrough bleeding on the pill that worsened over the course of two weeks, enough that I had to take two pills per day to control the bleeding. It was like being in a constant state of PMS. Awesome.

Today took the cake. They had an emergency so they were running a full hour behind.

And when the doctor came over to discuss our transfer, he dropped the bomb on us. Only one made the thaw, though that one looked good.

But we still had frozen embryos left.

I’m sorry, WHAT?

I thought we were clear on what we’d do – thaw ALL the embryos and transfer the best two we had left.

From what I can tell, those frozen embryos are remaining from my January cycle last year – the one where I overstimulated, and for the FET they had to thaw 6 straws to get to one to transfer. When we were talking with Dr. HIT he must have only been looking at the May fresh cycle.

But all the same, when we went into the transfer room, and I was laying on the table, feeling the speculum and catheter and full bladder pressure (seriously, an HOUR late, people)… all I could think is this.

I’m DONE.

There’s no drawing lines in the sand. I’m done with ART. With cycling. With everything I’m putting my body through in the hopes that it will net us the family we want.

I HAVE a family. It’s pretty awesome.

This is what I needed. I really am done.

So I’m working to make arrangements to discard the last two embryos. If that makes me a failure as a mother, so fucking be it. I can’t do this again.

All things considered, the one embryo is photogenic, at least. And there’s only one, so on the remote chance this DOES work, I most likely don’t have to deal with the worry of my Ute + twins.

But seriously.

So. Now begins what is actually going to be a 3ww, because as of next week we’re heading on a cruise to celebrate my grandparents’ 65th wedding anniversary. (Those of you who have been reading since the beginning will remember that they did this on their 60th anniversary too.) I am SO thrilled to be taking O and J to a warm place with my entire family for a week before Christmas; I can’t wait. It’s going to be so nice.

So beta is on 12/27, a full week later than it would have been if we were here.

Anyway. More tomorrow on how awesome O is and what we’ve been up to this fall. I promise, this blog is not about cycling. Not anymore.

The good news is I have my closure, come whatever may. That’s something.

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11 Comments »

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  1. A failure as a mother? Are you kidding? You’ve been through the ringer and then some. You are a great mother to the fantastic, living, breathing child you have. If discarding the remaining embryos is what you need to do to get some closure and move on from this period in your life, do it. Anyone who would dare criticize your decision without walking the road you’ve walked should be promptly told to shut the hell up. I’m glad you’re finding closure, and I hope the peace that usually accompanies closure is close behind.

  2. Glad this cycle will give you the closure you need. Now…go enjoy your cruise and holidays with your family! What will be will be. And you are a trooper and wonderful mother to boot!

  3. Sounds nightmareish. Sorry you went through all of that without us to lean on.

    I hope the wait flies by. Enjoy the cruise and the holidays with your gorgeous family. I’m glad you can find some peace, no matter what the result.
    xoxoxo
    T.

  4. So glad to hear you are finding closure, my friend. Even amidst all the crazy that has happened to you in this cycle.

    And I hope you have a fabulous time on your vacation.

  5. Hoping that this cycle gives you the closure you need, in whatever form that brings. Thinking of you.

  6. It’s so nice to have you back! Good luck and than goodness about the closure.

  7. Crossing all fingers and toes. Regardless, though, I am so happy to hear that you are finding closure in this. I’ll be thinking of you. Enjoy your trip, too! (I’m insanely jealous.) xo

  8. Wow, that sounds like a really craptastic cycle. I’m glad you got what you needed to put cycling behind you, though, and that you have some R&R coming up.

  9. Welcome back, and I wish you the best of luck with everything. Congrats on your marathon!

  10. I hope, however this wait turns out, you feel peace and closure.

  11. It’s normal that discarding embryo’s would be an emotional decision, no matter what method you choose.
    Looking from the outside, I think seeing it as a failing as mother is very harsh, unnecessarily so. But when I try to put myself in your position, I would probably feel something along those lines. All the heartache that went into making those embryo’s, …

    Getting closure on the whole IF journey is a good thing (and not easily gotten).

    Enjoy the cruise!


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