The Token Two Week Wait Post.December 15, 2011 at 8:22 am | Posted in Infertility, Moving On. | 8 Comments
I’ve found that the second half of the 2ww is the hardest part of the wait.
(That I’m getting on a plane tomorrow for a big boat in the Caribbean helps a bit.)
For the past two days I’ve been at the point where I’ve thought:
I have more discharge than usual. I’m crampy and Ute feels heavier than usual. My pants are a little tight by the afternoon, though my weight hasn’t changed.
But, you know, it’s too early for a pg test, so clearly what I’m feeling is progesterone right now. And I have NONE of the ‘symptoms’ I had when I got the positive pregnancy test with O, so I could just be making things up, too.
So I wait.
I did hear back from the embryo lab in terms of what we have remaining. I was right – the two straws we have left are from our January 2011 cycle. They’re graded pretty poorly. So yesterday I downloaded a consent to thaw our embryos such that they are non-viable… and discard them. We are hoping that J’s aunt, who is a notary, will be willing to notarize it for us on Christmas.
I thought it was interesting that we had two choices for the discard – either our clinic could do it for us, of they could give us the non-viable embryos and we could dispose as we see fit.
I’m actually thinking about the second option; I was thinking it might be nice to be able to DO something for them. Maybe send them into the ocean.
I don’t know. It makes me so sad, the idea of getting rid of them.
I’ve lost the hope that they will be babies; I can’t bear to do another cycle to see.
Thing is, though? Those embryos represent a lot of years of Hope for me.
I can’t keep Hope for myself anymore. But I can’t bear to see it thrown into the trash, either.