Feeling.December 16, 2011 at 3:37 pm | Posted in Crazy Talk (aka: Therapy), Infertility, motherhood, Moving On. | 11 Comments
My therapist keeps telling me: It’s just a feeling.
I’ve spent most of my life trying to get AWAY from my feelings. So the past few months have been illuminating as I really try and SIT with a feeling, allowing myself to experience it fully.
Much harder initially than I thought.
But last week in my session, my therapist challenged me to find the good in a bad feeling. She asked me, Sometimes doesn’t it feel GOOD to BE angry?
Since then I’ve really tried to stay in a moment when I feel strongly and really use my senses to understand what I’m feeling.
It’s sort of like stretching a hurt muscle (or illiotibial band, perhaps?). It really, really hurts for a few minutes, but if you stay in the stretch quietly, more sensation opens up.
And it hurts, yes, but there’s release, too.
I have some sensations which give me some hope for this cycle. They could be something. Likely they’re nothing – a product of progesterone and my own imagination.
But I’d be remiss if I said I didn’t have hope, or was too scared to hope.
I DO hope.
I hope with the part of me that aches with love when I look over at my sleeping son. I love him with an intensity that scares me sometimes; a fierce protective part of me that worries endlessly and wants him to feel loved always. There are some nights when I feel so full of love for him and my life that I often feel like I am drowning in love.
I don’t want to waste it. I want to build on it, multiply it and combine it with the love I have for J and for O and add to it.
I want another child so very badly.
So, yes. Part of me really wants to KNOW if it worked or not. I could take a pregnancy test with me on this cruise and know in a couple of days if it worked or not.
But there’s a part of me that really wants to savor this wait, too.
It’s the last one I’ll have.
The last one where I’m tangled with hope and joy and ache and fear and worry and love. The last time when I can look at a picture of an embryo and wonder what kind of soul it’ll turn into. The last time where I can take a quiet moment in the midst of a busy day and sit, looking inward, scanning my body for symptoms or signs.
If this doesn’t work, there will be sadness and anger and grief, yes. But there will be relief, too – freeing me from the shackles of what ifs and maybe and guilt that maybe I didn’t do enough.
If this does work, I get to move a little closer to living the life of which I dreamed; one where I have a house (more) full of love and life.
So part of me really doesn’t want to know, either.
It’s just a feeling. Which isn’t so bad.
I hope you all have a wonderful holiday and I promise I will update you on beta results when I am back.