Grief.December 27, 2011 at 11:11 am | Posted in Cheese with that whine? (aka rants), Heartbreak, Infertility, Moving On. | 15 Comments
I was going to write about our cruise, and despite the BFN Suck everything is hunky dory.
Except it’s not.
I’m so angry.
I’m so pissed off at infertility in the first place. What the fuck? I’m supposed to be HAPPY that I got my one kid, I’m really fucking lucky, he’s supposed to the the salve that makes all the heartbreak of trying and failing okay?
It’s NOT fucking okay.
For a while, when O was born, I could actually pretend I was NORMAL. I had a kid, I was like the other moms. I could talk about nursing and milestones and not have to worry that I was a medical fucking freak that took 3 years, 3 IVF cycles, and 3 FETs to get pregnant with one kid. I could pretend I was just a normal woman who got pregnant when she wanted to.
Except I’m not normal. I’m infertile.
And now? It means that I will NEVER have the family I wanted. There will always be a piece of me missing, there will always be scars. There will always be times when I have to look away when I see siblings together, or take a breath through the slash of pain when someone asks me, is he your only?
I’m angry that I allowed myself hope that maybe THIS time would be different. For a woman with a number of advanced degrees you’d think that I’d learn by now that it’s fucking pointless to hope.
I’m angry that yesterday, of all days, we had to sign consent forms to have our clinic destroy our remaining embryos. I’m angry with myself for not fighting harder for them, angry with myself for even THINKING that they might turn into babies, angry with the whole fucking situation.
They’re not babies. They’re embryos. Crappy fucking embryos at that. Let it go, Serenity. Just fucking let go.
Except I can’t.
I’m pissed that I can get SO easily sucked back into hoping that maybe the NEXT cycle would be different. What if I tried another doctor? Another clinic? Maybe someone would figure out what I need to do for it to work. Someone else.
I can’t do this anymore. I need to move on. I’m so fucking tired of Fail.
But now I have no hope of ever having the family I imagined I’d have for so many years.
And it’s not fucking fair.