Grief.

December 27, 2011 at 11:11 am | Posted in Cheese with that whine? (aka rants), Heartbreak, Infertility, Moving On. | 15 Comments

I was going to write about our cruise, and despite the BFN Suck everything is hunky dory.

Except it’s not.

I’m so angry.

I’m so pissed off at infertility in the first place. What the fuck? I’m supposed to be HAPPY that I got my one kid, I’m really fucking lucky, he’s supposed to the the salve that makes all the heartbreak of trying and failing okay?

It’s NOT fucking okay.

For a while, when O was born, I could actually pretend I was NORMAL. I had a kid, I was like the other moms. I could talk about nursing and milestones and not have to worry that I was a medical fucking freak that took 3 years, 3 IVF cycles, and 3 FETs to get pregnant with one kid. I could pretend I was just a normal woman who got pregnant when she wanted to.

Except I’m not normal. I’m infertile.

And now? It means that I will NEVER have the family I wanted. There will always be a piece of me missing, there will always be scars. There will always be times when I have to look away when I see siblings together, or take a breath through the slash of pain when someone asks me, is he your only?

I’m angry that I allowed myself hope that maybe THIS time would be different. For a woman with a number of advanced degrees you’d think that I’d learn by now that it’s fucking pointless to hope.

I’m angry that yesterday, of all days, we had to sign consent forms to have our clinic destroy our remaining embryos. I’m angry with myself for not fighting harder for them, angry with myself for even THINKING that they might turn into babies, angry with the whole fucking situation.

They’re not babies. They’re embryos. Crappy fucking embryos at that. Let it go, Serenity. Just fucking let go.

Except I can’t.

I’m pissed that I can get SO easily sucked back into hoping that maybe the NEXT cycle would be different. What if I tried another doctor? Another clinic? Maybe someone would figure out what I need to do for it to work. Someone else.

I can’t do this anymore. I need to move on. I’m so fucking tired of Fail.

But now I have no hope of ever having the family I imagined I’d have for so many years.

And it’s not fucking fair.

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15 Comments »

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  1. O is a gift, but not a salve. I don’t think that you’re supposed to feel lucky. This whole thing sucks. And I wish I had something besides “I’m so sorry,” which is not even close to useful or adequate.

  2. It’s not fair at all. Not even a little bit.

  3. More than six years ago, my first child was stillborn. Not long after I read an article in about women in Africa who suffer the loss of their children and permanent physical damage because they lack access to proper medical care during pregnancy and afterward. There I was with my nice house, my mostly whole body, my good medical care and the hope of healthy children in the future, and I was complaining. My pastor listened to me tell this tale and she said “Your pain is still your pain.”

    Now, with two healthy children my pain is eased, but it is still my pain.

    There may be folks who tell you that the birth of one living child should make up for everything you’ve been through, before since. But even with O, your pain is still your pain. Of course you are allowed to mourn the loss of the children those embryos might have been, to mourn the loss of the family you might have had, and the mother you might have been. You are at a crucial point in your journey, and it’s normal that your feelings are intense.

    I hope that you find peace, and that you are surrounded by people who will comfort you during your pain.

  4. Of course you can be angry. I am angry FOR you! It’s not fair. I was soo hoping this would work for you.

    <<<<>>>>

    • um, there were supposed to be hugs inside those brackets. I’m not sure what happened.

  5. It just is not fucking fair. And there is nothing I can say about it. It fucking sucks! [[hugs]]

  6. It’s not fair, and as wonderful and amazing as O is, he can’t make this kind of pain go away. I’m so sorry.

  7. It’s not fair. Period. End of story.

    You have every right to be angry.

    Oh, how I wish I had a magic wand that could make infertility just go away…

    Sending you love, prayers for peace and hugs…I’m so sorry.

  8. Serenity, there is not a single fair thing about it. It is as unfair as can be.

    This is little to nothing I can say to offer solace and I hope that the collective support of others lifts you up. Your pain IS your pain and you need make no apologies for it.

    There is no way around it but through it and for that I am sorry.

    My mother-in-law is visiting and commented that my son will be 5 in March. His being 5 marks 4 1/2 YEARS that we have been trying for a sibling. My own hope is hard to find and I am constantly walking the tight rope of trying to find happiness, contentment and completeness as a family of three and daring to hope that we might finally have an adoption match or some other mechanism to having another child.

    I will be 46 in May. And, to echo what you are feeling, it isn’t supposed to be this way. Infertility is a fucking fucked up mess.

  9. Oh Serenity. I’m just catching up on your last few posts. I’m sorry. I had so hoped that as much as you and I had been on the same path this last year that this cycle would take you on a different one.

  10. Over our years of infertility my MIL said some pretty gawd awful/stupid things. She really had no idea of the heartache the negative tests brought as she just glanced at my FIL and got pregnant. I mostly tried to ignore her comments but one sticks with me till this day (and it was the only one she made that actually gave me something worthwhile to think about).

    When I was really down about yet another miscarriage, she told me that I had to be careful. Careful that I didn’t let my son think that he “wasn’t enough”. It didn’t hit me right away but later I realized that my obsession with my infertility was robbing him of being special and ultimately would make him feel as though he wasn’t enough to complete our family. It was like she smacked me across the face.

    It didn’t take away the devastation of not being able to stay pregnant but it did give me a new direction to start looking. (there are many facets in my story-birth, loss, adoption, more loss….. but we did end up with three children, all of whom are enough 😉

    My real hope for you in 2012 is that you find some peace and the loss of your envisioned family becomes an (at least somewhat) acceptable part of your life and you can grab that damn brass ring while going on an amazing life journey that doesn’t suck. You deserve it. Plain and simple.

  11. No, it’s not fair.

    Of course not everything’s bad about it – O is definitely a magical blessing. But the bits that are bad and unfair are still bad and unfair.

    Bea

  12. It’s not fair at all. And it sucks.

  13. Serentiy sweetie I know this is an old post but I’ve only just seen it and I wanted to say I am so so sorry that you had to go through this. Again. Or at all. It is just bloody miserable. And it makes you no less grateful for O that you wanted another baby. Please don’t make yourself feel that way. It’s not greedy, it’s love. And human nature.

    we all love you sweetie. Wish it had been better news.

  14. I’m so very sorry your ultimate attempt didn’t bring better news.

    Your feeling of grief are perfectly understandable. It isn’t fair and it is stays hard.

    This is a force of nature you’re grappling with.


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