Must. DO. Something.December 29, 2011 at 10:25 am | Posted in Crazy Talk (aka: Therapy) | 5 Comments
The one thing my almost-a-year in therapy has shown me is that I will do almost anything to escape emotion.
It’s never been more clear the past couple of days.
I have been itchy, wanting to DO something epic to change up my life.
Monday it was thinking about going to another clinic and meeting with a doctor who might have the magic bullet – the very thing which will net us a real live single baby in one cycle.
The next day I fantasized about quitting my job an working part time for my gym so I could have a free membership AND get to work out all the time while O is in school.
Yesterday it was talking myself out of signing up for the Chicago Marathon when registration opens.
On my way to my therapist appointment yesterday, I was so frustrated with myself.
Because, intellectually, I KNOW that I can’t do anything to fix this.
And we talked, my therapist and I, about why I felt the need to do something else. And the only answer I could find was that I needed to prove that I wasn’t a failure, that I either needed to work harder at getting pregnant to overcome it… or do something completely different and epic to prove that even though I was a failure at getting pregnant I was a success elsewhere.
And she asked me: What would happen if you allowed yourself to fail at this?
That’s the thing. I DID fail. 14 embryos. One success. In statistical terms, we’re looking at less than a 1% success rate.
That number is sobering. I can’t go back to another clinic and keep trying. Not for 1%. I respect my husband’s need to move on and the strength of my marriage too much to even consider that argument.
I CAN go off and do something else so that I can bury the pain and focus on something else in the short term, but then what? The dull drumbeat of Fail will follow me there too, and no matter what I do, it’ll never be enough.
Somehow I have to learn how to separate our failure at building the family I so very much wanted from my self esteem.
Because intellectually I know that it was nothing I did or didn’t do which caused all the Fail. I recognize that getting pregnant isn’t up to me.
I just don’t believe it yet.
So that’s what I need to work on. I just am not sure how I’ll get there.