Old. New.December 31, 2011 at 6:30 am | Posted in And I ran (I ran so far away), Career angst, Crazy Talk (aka: Therapy), Infertility, motherhood, My life | 4 Comments
I’m seeing a lot of posts on FB and in the blogosphere and on twitter about New Year’s Eve.
I’m not sure why I feel the need to do a year in review here. I never really have done something like this, formally, anyway.
But 2011 was a life-changing year for me.
First, I started seeing a therapist. And even though I’m not there yet – not even close – I’m starting to untangle a lot of dysfunction in my patterns of reacting, emoting (or not, as my patterns seem to indicate) and a whole host of esteem issues which I believe over time I will be able to resolve and move on.
Which means that at some point I believe that happiness is within my reach.
And by happiness, I mean real, lasting, long term happiness. Contentment with my life in the here and now, without the relentless driving to be better, do more, be successful, et cetera.
I also trained for and ran my first marathon. I ran longer and further than I ever have in my life. I had moments in my speedwork where, deep down in some part of the core of my being, I felt: I was MADE for this.
And finishing that marathon was by far the hardest thing, physically, I’ve ever done. And I want to do it again. And again. And again.
This year also was the year where our family building Hope ran out. We no longer have hope in building our family through ART. We have no embryos left, no will to try again with a different clinic, nothing in the future that might give us hope that maybe the dream of another baby will be possible.
As much as this hurts… it’s resolution.
And that’s something. I can make plans for travel and races for next year without having to do math and wonder if we’ll be able to swing it. Financially, we know that we only have daycare bills through September 2013.
And it gives me a lot more flexibility with my own job situation. I’ve been considering for a while a change – going out on my own as a freelance CPA, getting more of a part time schedule.
Now I don’t have to worry about needing a maternity leave or having enough money socked away to pay bills for three months since I won’t be able to work.
So, really, 2011 wasn’t that bad of a year, all things considered.
That said, I AM looking forward to 2012. J just got a job offer today for a consulting job which he is 1000% suited for. And though in the near term it’s not much more money than he’s making now and it means more commuting time and therefore less domestic help on his part, I know that it’s a really good long term opportunity for him.
It’s also another year where I can work on my running; really focusing on building my weekly mileage up and training intelligently so that the next time I train for a marathon, I don’t get hurt.
It might be a year where I get some flexibility back into my schedule by going out on my own.
It’s another year where O will do things to amaze us and show me the beauty of absolute, unconditional love.
I know he’s not supposed to be the salve to cure the pain of infertility. But, especially now, I am so thankful that we got lucky that one time with that one embryo that DID make it.
To my readers: I hope you all have a happy new year, and that 2012 brings love, peace, happiness and health.
Thank you for abiding with me this year.