The Waiting Place.January 4, 2012 at 1:32 pm | Posted in Battles (aka: toddlerhood), Career angst, Infertility | 12 Comments
O loves to read the Dr. Seuss book Oh, The Places You’ll Go!
Me, not so much.
Because I feel like so much of my life in the past few years has been spend in The Waiting Place. And I try and make goals, something I can control all by myself, in the hopes that I’ll break myself out of it.
Because Dr. Seuss doesn’t actually tell you how to get out, does he?
Somehow you’ll escape
all that waiting and staying.
You’ll find the bright places
where Boom Bands are playing.
I feel like I’m stuck here until I figure out how to get out.
J took a job which, long term, is really good for his career. He starts the week of the 23rd.
In the short term, it’s going to be a bit of a struggle.
Because it’s a VERY modest increase in salary – not enough for me to scale back my hours. And this job requires more of a commute – for the first 14 weeks he’ll be commuting to and from Rhode Island, which is about 4 hours a day spent in the car.
And have I mentioned that just before Christmas, my boss took me to lunch and told me I didn’t work enough hours as it was?
I have some really serious reservations about this. J told me that they were flexible with hours enough that he could do dropoff or pickup daily. But I know my husband – HE isn’t flexible enough to make that work. He’ll feel like he needs to be in RI during all working hours, that there’s some expectation for him to be there, that if he works off hours he won’t be working as hard as he should.
So that means more on me. Which, fine, I really think in a couple of years we’ll be in a good place.
I am just dreading the next year or so.
I want to get another opinion from another fertility clinic in the area. I know, it’s ridiculous. I said I was done. Because I have no faith in ART anymore. It’s not going to work.
And I don’t really have faith that I’ll get pregnant.
But I have unanswered questions.
Was spending 6 years with one doctor a stupid choice?
What if there’s something some other doctor can DO to help us actually, you know, GET pregnant?
And in full disclosure: I’m finding it hard to let go of the dream of another child.
Really, really, really hard.
O has been regressing in the PT arena in a BIG way. Where before his underwear was a little wet, he’s having full on accidents. On the couch. In the bathroom. In his room.
He fights us when we tell him to USE the potty and refuses, culminating in a tantrum of Epic Proportions.
But when we don’t fight that battle, he wets his pants.
It’s a constant stress right now. I sometimes wish we could go back to pull ups or diapers but that’s playing right into what he’d like – to not have to take time out to use the potty.
I’m hoping that just waiting it out will help, but welcome comments and/or assvice too.
I really don’t want this blog to turn into the Misery of 2012. I’ve spent ENOUGH time blogging about misery. I really want to move forward, write about more than just IF, etc.
I want Boom Bands… and bright places… and real lasting happiness.
In the meantime?
I suppose I just need to wait it out.