Courage.

January 6, 2012 at 2:11 pm | Posted in Crazy Talk (aka: Therapy), doctor | 11 Comments

My favorite movie when I was a child was “The Wizard of Oz.” I watched it every year at Thanksgiving. And when we got a VCR, I asked for the tape and watched it over and over and over.

I used to dream that I’d end up, somehow, in Oz, and Glinda would give me my own pretty slippers and I’d go off on fantastic adventures until I WANTED to go home.

Funny thing is, I never really understood The Cowardly Lion. I never saw him as HAVING courage. He was just a scared little kitty for so much of the movie, crying, whimpering, running away.

Even now, it’s easy for me to look at his character and think For God’s sake, be a MAN. Face your fears!

It’s one of my patterns, actually – one of the most destructive, in my opinion.

In my head, Weakness is a bad thing. Figure it out, accept the reality, move on. Be strong, stand tall, don’t let ANYONE see how broken you are inside.

I’ve been doing it with J, especially, lately. Whenever I say something that might tap into my grief, and he makes a move to wrap me in his arms, I stop him.

I push him away.

It’s that Voice, you see. The one that says I can’t be weak. I can’t be weak. I can’t be weak.

Last night I dreamt that I was going through old baby pictures of O. It was that simple. Except, in the dream, I was overwhelmed with sadness.

In those pictures was the only baby I will ever have.

It was so long ago, and I was so overwhelmed with the fear and sleep deprivation and newness of it all to really love it.

I squandered it away.

And so I woke up with a lump in my throat. And when J moved beside me, and I knew he was awake, I told him about the dream.

And when he went to wrap himself around me, to comfort me, I didn’t fight him.

And he told me we could go to another doctor and get another opinion if that’s what I wanted.

Thing is?

I don’t WANT another opinion. I want to be pregnant, with a baby on the way, without having to think about statistics and tests and the whys of our measly 7% success rate. I want a baby, to see O with his sibling, to fall in love with another little person, to feel like our family is complete.

It’s hitting me now, as I write this. I realize why the Cowardly Lion was brave.

He was scared of everything, but he did it anyway. He went into the witch’s castle, talked with the Wizard of Oz, so that he could get his courage.

I am NOT strong. I’m broken. I’m scared. I’m tired.

But I can’t accept that this is it, either. I have too many unanswered questions.

So I contacted Big Clinic to get a copy of my full complete medical records. And I’ll make an appointment with another doctor, or two, for another opinion.

It might not turn into anything. They might all say, yeah, 7% success rate, not much else you can do but play the odds on it. Which, you know. Losing odds. More Fail. Et cetera.

But I can’t not try, either.

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11 Comments »

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  1. I have been reading and lurking for a long time – I found your blog when I was struggling to get pregnant. I don’t have any wisdom, but I think you’re incredibly brave and I keep hoping you’ll find peace and joy.
    Also, I really hesitate to write this, but I think it’s a 7% success rate? At least, going from the numbers in the prior post.

    • Thanks, Marissa. And uh, holy cow you’re right. 7%. Oops. I’m amending now. 🙂

  2. I have been reading and wanting to comment this week, but with a steady flux of visitors I haven’t had alone time. I think this is a great parable for your decision…to keep going despite the fear…despite the potential for more failure and more pain. And, going to another clinic might be the change you need. Maybe they will make one small tweak that will make the difference. Maybe you will just finally get lucky.

  3. Crap. Not fair.I struggle with being vulnerable or even allowing myself to be. One day I wish that we can both have the courage to recognize our vulnerability i.e. realize we’re human.
    I hate this for you. Wish I could help.

  4. I guess it is all perspective because I always have thought of you as brave. As a strong person. As a runner with courage to push herself and do awesome things.

    I hope other doctors have other opinions. I know there are lots of protocols and treatment options, so maybe they have just the right one for you.

  5. Sitting with you and thinking that you’re awfully brave.

  6. Great post. Wishing for you the strength you need to move to the next step, whether that is getting another opinion or putting it all behind you. There are no easy answers here, unfortunately. Sort of damned if you do, damned if you don’t. Secretly I hope you press on and hopefully stumble across the right combination (plus a little luck) to make things work, but realistically I know that’s much more easily said from the sidelines.

  7. You are being strong and courageous trying to find the answers and pursue your dreams and desires. I wish you lots of luck in 2012. And it is OK not to be strong 100% of the time. That is one of my lessons over the 40 years of my life. Hang in there.

  8. You are honest and brave!!! but it is okay to be weak sometimes and let J be there for you. Right now I have to ignore this desire to have another baby and I have to be strong (always) because I dont have the option to be held. I am glad that you and J are on the same page. Wishing you luck!!!

  9. Funny, I was thinking along similar lines after your last post. I am not sure I can write this well, but my reflection is that you like to have things sorted, clear, in a box. So if there is messiness and uncertaintly you do everything you can to put a certainty on it – like saying ” no more trying” just after the end of a cycle when we all know that decision making at that point is just hopeless. Maybe one of the things you need to allow yourself is a bit more messiness, a bit more uncertainty? To keep looking around to see what’s out there rather than neeeding to close it down?

    And please do try to stop with the guilt that you are not properly appreciting O and your luck in having him. You totally do, and that has NOTHING to do with wanting another baby.

  10. I thought I had commented to this, but maybe I just meant to.

    There is no right or wrong as you navigate whatever next steps you need to. Information is power. You deserve to have the power.


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