Not Me.

January 13, 2012 at 6:15 pm | Posted in Heartbreak | 11 Comments

The casual mention at work.

Oh, she’s pregnant. Due in June. Didn’t you notice she was putting on weight?

I’m not prepared; I’m surprised by the news.

I can’t breathe.

But I smile anyway.

Wow, I didn’t even notice.

Pain. I want to cry. And scream, it should be me godfuckingdammit!

It’s not me.

I am not pregnant. I might never be pregnant again. No more babies for me.

All done.

This hurts so much.

It shouldn’t hurt this much. I am a mom. I have my O. I love him. My heart should be full. I am greedy; asking for more than I deserve.

When will this STOP?

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11 Comments »

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  1. Please don’t beat yourself up for the fact that you’re upset about this. Of course it hurts. That’s okay. You have every right to want 2 kids; you don’t have to be happy just because you have one already. It doesn’t make you ungrateful for O or anything. You are NOT asking for more than you deserve.

    As for when it will stop, though, I wish I had an answer. I wish there WAS an answer.

  2. I will repeat this until you believe it: Wanting a second child in NO way makes you ungrateful for the wonderful first child you have. It’s sort of like when you were engaged to J. It’s unlikely you would have said, “Well, I’ve got a fiance, so that’s it! I should be grateful I have that much and shouldn’t want to make him my husband too. That’s just asking too much.” Being married was part of the vision you had for your life, just as wanting a second child has been. It’s so hard to see others with the life you want.

    I’ll secretly wish her some ugly stretch marks for you.

    XOXO

  3. You are grieving, Serenity. You are grieving the loss of a child you never got to know. You are grieving the family you thought you would have. Loss of hope is still a loss. Period. There is no right and wrong in how one deals with grief. There are is no “should.” You are not greedy or selfish. And nothing about wanting another child means you don’t appreciate or love O.

    I also wish I had an answer as to when it will stop. But I don’t. {{hug}}

  4. It is too soon in the process for the pain to stop. Subside, maybe, on days, but until you move through it, reconcile it to yourself for once and for all, it will be there. It will dampen over time; time has a way of doing that.

    You have a process to mete out. You HAVE to give yourself persmission to feel what you are feeling. Trying to deny it will ensure it will come out in all manner of other destructive ways.

    And, you are NOT greedy. Children are not money and the pursuit of them, of completing one’s family, can not be equated to a white collar crime. You can LOVE and CHERISH him and because of that love want another. It is OK. It is even OK to want and not ultimately get, but that takes much more work in the coming to terms.

    Hold on and hang in.

  5. I am so sorry that this came at such a sensitive time for you. Wishing I could make it hurt less. xoxo

  6. Sending hugs. I can imagine feeling that way. I may never get to do this again and I know that I will be jealous and sad of those who get to do it as much as they want.

  7. Hugs. It isn’t fair. You are not greedy, or asking for too much. It does not diminish your love for your O. in any way to want to expand your family further.
    xoxoxo
    T.

  8. Hugs….. 😦

  9. Serenity, it’s a reflex that is visceral. It kicks you in the gut when you hear news like that. I had to leave gatherings more than once because I was afraid I would actually vomit or scream out loud.

    Your reaction isn’t something you can prevent, or predict. Even after I was sure our family was completely complete, I still would wince when I heard someone was pregnant. It eased over time but it didn’t go away until something inside me changed. You don’t have a conclusion to your story in your head or your heart yet and nobody can tell you how to make that happen…..it just will. One day you will hear an announcement and you won’t have that head spinning, room twirling feeling. I hope it’s soon. It’s dreadful to feel kicked in the gut.

  10. S, I consider you a friend inside the computer. And just like I would challenge a IRL friend if they said it, I have to ask you: what is it that makes you say that a second child is “more than you deserve”? O isn’t a gold sticker that you got for being persistent and doing more cycles, anymore than another child would be a reward for testing out another clinic. This isn’t a discussion that we can easily have in the comments, and I hope I’m not coming across harshly, but I would you as a friend to put some thought into it.

  11. oh my sweet friend, if I tell you that even now I feel that way when I hear about some pregnancy announcements does that help you…to lessen the pain, or share it?

    just reading this and reading your reaction sucked the breath out of me. xo


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