Stuff I’m Learning.

January 17, 2012 at 9:28 am | Posted in And I ran (I ran so far away), Career angst, Crazy Talk (aka: Therapy) | 3 Comments

During a training cycle, I’ve discovered a couple of days where my runs just suck. Where my legs scream at me to go faster, but my lungs scream at me to go slower.

I call these my push-pull runs. And the whole time, I fight the back and forth – faster so my legs feel okay, but then slower because my lungs and heart rebel.

Within a couple of days, though, it generally resolves. I see an uptick in pace; where I can run faster more comfortably.

That’s sort of where I am right now in my life.

I’m realizing that the reason why infertility is different now is because I’m not denying my emotions about it.

Before, I spent all my energy managing things so that I didn’t really acknowledge how much it all sucked. Whenever I had moments like that, I pulled myself out of it by being all Machiavellian.

Well, if I get a baby out of this, it’ll all be worth it.

Thing is, infertility really SUCKS. It’s HARD to see pregnant women, or read the stupid FB status updates about pregnancies. Or hear people say stupid, ignorant things.

And I think I’m just starting to acknowledge it.

Except I’m not really comfortable, per se, with feelings yet. I’m just learning how to deal with them. Because, really, I’ve spent the last 35 years trying to escape them.

Hence the outbursts and anger and bitterness.

In a lot of ways, I feel like I’m an adolescent again. I really have no idea how to manage emotions. What I’ve BEEN doing – pretending that they don’t exist, talking myself out of them when they ARE there – isn’t really healthy, certainly not long term.

But man, really allowing yourself to feel, to grieve, is really hard, too.

________________________

I’m also starting to feel this way about my choice of careers. I chose this path because it was practical. And when my professor told me, early on in my accounting classes, that he had doubts about my ability to be detail-oriented enough to really succeed as an accountant, I took that as a challenge.

I’ll show HIM.

And I did. Yay. I’m a CPA now.

Problem is. Over the years, it’s becoming clear to me that he was right. It’s not that I CAN’T be detail-oriented enough to succeed at this job. I can, with varying levels of success. I’m perfectly capable of doing anything I want.

I just am starting to realize that accounting really isn’t for me.

It was a practical choice that made a lot of sense when I went for it.

And now?

I kind of hate it.

The problem is that I don’t really KNOW what I WANT to do, either. I DO have to be practical about my career options, because, well, we need money to pay our bills. And I’ve spent a shit ton of money on getting those advanced degrees so I COULD be an accountant.

Which means I really should LIVE with the consequences of those choices and just stick it out, right?

Even if it makes me miserable.

Good god, I AM like a child when it comes to being happy. Apparently along the way I decided that being an adult meant that a) Emotions have no place in decisions, and b) work a practical career and stick with it, even if it’s not ideal.

So I’m in this weird push-pull place, where this career isn’t really all that COMFORTABLE right now, but I can’t figure out what the hell I can do next that WILL be comfortable.

If it’s anything like my runs, I KNOW it’ll resolve. I just have to wait it out.

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3 Comments »

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  1. I tend to think that for people that over-ride decisions with “shoulds” that sometimes you have to just push yourself out there…and make turning back NOT an option. So, quit the job and THEN figure out what you want to do. I know. Crazy talk. Perhaps talk I SHOULD listen to myself.

  2. Aaaaah. I can so relate to this one. I went to law school because it was the practical thing to do. I really wanted to go to vet school instead, but law school was practical and made sense because reading/writing came naturally to me but I had to work a lot harder to do well in math and science. I’ve spent the last 10 years regretting that choice. I can’t justify spending the money to get yet another advanced degree when we should be putting that money in a college savings fund instead, but now I’m struggling to figure out what I want to be when I “grow up.” Thinking of you.

  3. Love how running is a parallel to how you feel about other things and that you do believe like your runs this will all work out. I really feel for you on both the infertility and the career. Wish I had some good advice, but I think I like your attitude about how it will all work out. It reminds me of an Indigo Girls song. I can’t remember the name of the song, but the words are “Seems better to push than to let go and trust, it’s alright.” I try to remember that line when I feel things are going the way I want them to.


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