Things Fall Apart.January 31, 2012 at 8:51 am | Posted in Cheese with that whine? (aka rants), Crazy Talk (aka: Therapy) | 7 Comments
Was never my intention to leave you with a cute picture of Lucky and I and then bail on you all.
Last week sort of blew up, though.
Lucky was sick most of the week. And it happened to coincide with the first week of Charlie Brown’s new consulting gig. You know, the one where he would commute to and from Rhode Island.
(For those of you keeping track, it’s 80 miles ONE WAY from our house.)
So I spent a lot more time working from home than I’d like. With a sick almost-four-year-old. Who, when he wasn’t slumped all feverish on the couch, wanted me to sit with him, play with him, generally spend time with him. Which honestly, I didn’t want to say no to him. I WANTED to spend time with him.
But, you know. Work, too.
And WHEN I was able to steal some time for my job, it took me five times longer to accomplish a work-related task than it would if I were in the office. Not sure why.
My external auditors were onsite last week too, and though they were quiet when I was actually in the office, apparently they were finding all sorts of things in my area. All minor stuff, but in their little audit room vacuum, they concluded that it was a Big Deal.
And sat down with my boss since it was more efficient, instead of allowing me to soften the blow by preparing him.
By Thursday Lucky was better, thankfully, but I probably wasn’t as productive as I should have been that day when I got some news that threw me for a tailspin.
My own stupid issues, of course, but whatever. I spent a day trying to process and work through it.
And then on Friday, Charlie Brown and I left around 11am to take a kid-free weekend trip to New Orleans. Which, by all respects, SHOULD have been a fun, relaxing time.
Except that on Friday night I got an email from my boss that the auditors had told him they have NO reliance on the work I’ve done in my area and that two of my coworkers were going to mop it up on Monday.
But, you know, have a good weekend.
So I spent an inordinate amount of energy trying desperately to figure out what to do. Though we went to dinner, and wandered around, and went to the cocktail hour, and then partied on Bourbon St with Charlie Brown’s new coworkers, in the back of my head (yes, even when drunk) I was trying to figure a way around the issue.
And of course I woke up 4 hours after going to bed and could not go back to sleep. I dreamt about work. I obsessed about work. I could NOT let it go. I needed to figure out something to DO.
Finally, around 11am, I had a brainwave, and made things a little better.
But good fucking grief.
In case you want to know?
I’m not so good with being flexible.
It’s like I’ve process-improved my life to the extent that I can make everything work smoothly. I have it all covered: running, parenting, sleeping, cooking, cleaning, etc – as long as everyone sticks to the script.
As soon as we have an illness? Or a new job, longer commute? Work issue which has to be dealt with?
BAM. Things fall apart.
I’m this way, emotionally, too. I go into a situation having prepared for a NUMBER of different outcomes.
But of course, I don’t have ESP. And inevitably, something pops up which I didn’t anticipate.
And then things fall apart.
I am hoping that this is like realizing you’re an addict: admitting it is the first step to dealing with it.
Maybe by recognizing my patterns, I can figure out a way to try and become more flexible.
To bend in a storm, instead of cracking and breaking apart.