Back and Forth Between the Rock and the Hard Place.

February 2, 2012 at 11:48 am | Posted in Career angst, Cheese with that whine? (aka rants), Infertility | 12 Comments

Wow. I love you all so stinking much, I wish I had the words to convey how much better you’ve made me feel.

Yesterday both my boss and the audit partner stopped into my office in the afternoon. And they both told me that they had a “really good” meeting with our audit committee, with differing emotions coming through.

My boss seemed to say it with a mixture of relief and probably exhaustion.

The audit partner was pretty humble, actually. He came into my office with a ducked head, asking how I was.

My first reaction was not to react. Because I am a professional, and I too am glad that the issue was resolved without a fuss in front of our audit commmittee.

But I FEEL differently. I’m angry and frustrated. I was pulled into my boss’s office and threatened with being put on a performance plan over something that ended up NOT BEING A BIG DEAL.

I feel like a monumental failure because I didn’t do my job well enough to put out a fire that should have been extinguished a long time ago.

And really, I was dragged through the dirt this week. I don’t really GIVE a shit that the outcome was okay. I don’t think it was worth it, given the personal cost to me.

So. In researching my decision to give my notice next week, I had Charlie Brown contact his HR person about insurance benefits. Because though he’s working in the local office of his new company, the company is based out of Ohio.

And the benefits are, accordingly, governed under Ohio law.

So if I were to leave, fertility treatments would no longer be covered.

At this moment, today, the Suck of the daily stress of this job, for the past year or so, outweighs my desire to spend more time and effort on getting a second opinion.

But I can’t help but feel that by walking away from my job, I am also cementing the decision that we are Done. Finished.

It helps that Lucky has never once asked for a sibling. I know that Charlie Brown is done with doctors and the TRYING part.

It’s all me.

There might be a way for me to purchase Massachusetts insurance, since I live in a state that has universal healthcare. But I’m not certain how that works – since I’m married AND I can get benefits through my husband’s employer, I’m not sure that choosing MA insurance if I’m self-employed will save us any money.

We might be better off paying out of pocket for stuff if we want to do anything IF related.

I’d be lying if I didn’t tell you that it made me think.

Do I really need to have to quit now? Can’t I Suck It Up for another couple of months until we get that second opinion?

Thing is. It was THIS PAST SUMMER where, on the drive into work every morning, I started to feel a creeping blackness.

Every morning when I drive into work, I check and see if it’s there. Some days it’s not as prevalent, other days it’s huge, and ugly, and scary.

And I’ve been trying to explain it away as trouble dealing with IF. Working through emotions of years past in my therapy sessions. Hormonal, since they come and go.

But I’m starting to wonder if a good portion of that is my job. It’s really not a good fit on either end: me OR my boss.

I’m realistic enough to know that another job, even one more part time on my own terms, will have a lot of challenges. Lucky will still get sick and I’ll have to balance my client commitments with being home. I’ll STILL feel pulled in a bunch of different directions.

But right now, the low grade stress of always feeling attached to my blackberry, the fear of leaving “early” and missing something critical, the sinking pit in my stomach when I drop Lucky off at daycare and realize I haven’t checked my email since last night…

… well it’s sucking the soul from me. Slowly.

And I worked too fucking hard to even BE a mom to squander it away on email and work crap that ultimately doesn’t MATTER in the grand scheme of my life.

I was lucky to bring my son home. And he deserves parents who can be fully present in his life.

So I really think I’m going to make the leap.



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  1. I’m lucky to work in a super flexable work environment. I don’t think I could handle the shit you are going through right now. My husbands boss is like yours, do I do know the frustration, trust me. I’ve been trapped home with a sick baby all week and no hope of help (during the day).

    But – what I keep thinking is that the evil you know is better than the evil you don’t. I’ve gone through a few bad times at my current job, but all my friend who have left tell me it’s just the same shit, different day at the new place. On the flip side, one of my best friends started her own business when her son was O’s exact age, and she admits she was crazy. Tons of long hours, lots of travel. In the end, her business was a success, but she looks back on that time and doesn’t know how she did it.

    Good luck – being in an unhappy place sucks.

  2. Not necessarily true on the insurance. Our insurance is based in CA and therefore governed by CA laws … EXCEPT that because they are covering people in MA, they have to follow MA regulations for MA residents! It’s a total loophole, in the fine print, and it took me about 6 weeks to get them to agree, but it’s there, black and white, and I get it in writing every year that it’s still in effect.

    And actually? Because it’s a loophole, it has NO restrictions on our benefits. No limits on how many cycles we can do, no monetary limit. It kind of rocks.

    So you might still have a chance there. HR didn’t know about it at all, I had to do all the legwork, but it did work.

    Good luck making the leap. It sounds like you’re ready.

  3. Leap. If what Cathy says is correct, then you still have coverage. But even if you don’t, you are not completely shutting the door on that second opinion because you can open it any time you want. It may cost you out of pocket but it’s STILL an available option.
    Jeez, you sound EXACTLY like I did when I finally left my other job. I am sorry you have reached that point in the SUCK because it really DOES suck donkey balls. 😦

  4. I missed your previous post…but reading them both together–it is obvious that the leap will be the best thing for you personally and professionally. This job is killing so many joys in your life…it is not worth the insurance possibles for that. Who knows what possibilities the Leap will make for you—but you know what this job is doing to you, here and now.


  5. One of my FB friends, through my old Fertility Friends group, is now D.irector of M.arketing and E.ducation for R.ESOLVE N.ew E.ngland. I can put you in touch with her if you would like; she’s super nice and gave me a box of Follistim when I did my IVF cycle. : )

    It is hard to arrange a freelance work schedule around your child’s and family’s needs. But Lucky will be in school soon, and you will have a lot more free time then. That’s an excellent arrangement — really, this is ideal timing. My days (and hopefully my 1099-MISC, LOL) will be different when the girls are in school.

    And truly, as someone whose husband is a consultant and has a very erratic schedule, I KNOW Lucky will benefit from having you at home. It’s rough on kids when a parent is sometimes there for dinner but sometimes gone for a whole week. It gets harder as the kids get older — and sulkier.

    So leap. Leap, damn it!

  6. We paid out of pocket for all of our procedures- our drugs were covered by Q.’s insurance at work, but that was it. So E. cost us $16,000 of our money. And yes, if we’d been in Quebec rather than Ontario we could have spent that money on something else, or put it on the mortgage, or what not, but we weren’t, so we made the choices we did. Obviously E. is worth every single penny.

    If you are without insurance, and the second opinion really really matters to you, I am sure you will find a way to make it work.

    I absolutely think leaving is the right thing, but my one question is whether it makes sense to jump now, when Charlie Brown is still massively caught up in his new job. Because freelancing/consulting/going part-time in the short-term would probably involve a whole lot of hours and a whole lot of randomness. And that might be hard to do, if you are taking on more of the parenting side in these next few months. So I guess I would want to consider whether it makes more sense to put up with the suck until his position settles down, or whenever it was you agreed that a more even balance would be restored (I hope you have an end date on this new arrangement- because he sounds a lot like Q., and I bet he won’t just spontaneously ease his hours back).

    But I’m not living with the suck. Only you know how much you can take.


  7. I agree with the previous commenter that most insurance (what I did before I decided to stay home) plans have to conform to the state laws of the states where their covered employees reside and work. All kinds of interstate commerce regulations and such. I’d start with a copy of the Summary Plan Description from his HR and the MA Dept of Insurance.

  8. Whatever your decision is I am here for you! Good luck!!! you are awesome

  9. Thinking of you and wishing you well as you make your decision. I can empathize with the suck of a job — I had a supposedly flexible position at my last firm where I would get to work really early, leave early and then work from home on Fridays, but I was never able to let go of my blackberry and constantly felt like I got unspoken flak for leaving early (even though I usually worked remotely from 8:30 to midnight every night once the kids went to bed). It took me about a year and half to decide to make the leap and leave that job and although it was a hard decision to reach, I’m now so glad I did it. Best of luck figuring it out!

  10. No advice to offer since it sounds like you’re thinking this through quite thoroughly, but just wanted to offer hugs!

  11. I have was always a straight A student and I sat huge goals for my life and I always achieved them… until infertility…it was hard but everything else was going strong, my personal life, my career. The day Lyla was born I felt on top of the world again. Little did I know that i was going to fall hard! Some days I feel that I am failing at everything… career, personal life, parenthood… everything is so disjointed and requires so much of me and I give give give and lately it hasnt been enough (at least not by my standards) for any of the areas of my life… I feel that I work too much and don’t give Lyla enough attention, then I feel that I dont work enough because I have to pick up Lyla at 6 pm. Then I feel lonely and have to get time to go on dates and that too is hard, date with a kid while trying to be extraordinary at work ,,, sigh… you get the drift. The point is.. we are not failing, we are just trying our best!! Good luck with everything

  12. I am in the corner here cheering you on. YOU are more important than your job. I think making the decision to leave will help you stay a little longer until you feel more grounded in your decision, but I suspect the day you walk out that door there will be a great deal of relief (though I understand a bit of worry too) and you will be healthier for it.

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