Back and Forth Between the Rock and the Hard Place.February 2, 2012 at 11:48 am | Posted in Career angst, Cheese with that whine? (aka rants), Infertility | 12 Comments
Wow. I love you all so stinking much, I wish I had the words to convey how much better you’ve made me feel.
Yesterday both my boss and the audit partner stopped into my office in the afternoon. And they both told me that they had a “really good” meeting with our audit committee, with differing emotions coming through.
My boss seemed to say it with a mixture of relief and probably exhaustion.
The audit partner was pretty humble, actually. He came into my office with a ducked head, asking how I was.
My first reaction was not to react. Because I am a professional, and I too am glad that the issue was resolved without a fuss in front of our audit commmittee.
But I FEEL differently. I’m angry and frustrated. I was pulled into my boss’s office and threatened with being put on a performance plan over something that ended up NOT BEING A BIG DEAL.
I feel like a monumental failure because I didn’t do my job well enough to put out a fire that should have been extinguished a long time ago.
And really, I was dragged through the dirt this week. I don’t really GIVE a shit that the outcome was okay. I don’t think it was worth it, given the personal cost to me.
So. In researching my decision to give my notice next week, I had Charlie Brown contact his HR person about insurance benefits. Because though he’s working in the local office of his new company, the company is based out of Ohio.
And the benefits are, accordingly, governed under Ohio law.
So if I were to leave, fertility treatments would no longer be covered.
At this moment, today, the Suck of the daily stress of this job, for the past year or so, outweighs my desire to spend more time and effort on getting a second opinion.
But I can’t help but feel that by walking away from my job, I am also cementing the decision that we are Done. Finished.
It helps that Lucky has never once asked for a sibling. I know that Charlie Brown is done with doctors and the TRYING part.
It’s all me.
There might be a way for me to purchase Massachusetts insurance, since I live in a state that has universal healthcare. But I’m not certain how that works – since I’m married AND I can get benefits through my husband’s employer, I’m not sure that choosing MA insurance if I’m self-employed will save us any money.
We might be better off paying out of pocket for stuff if we want to do anything IF related.
I’d be lying if I didn’t tell you that it made me think.
Do I really need to have to quit now? Can’t I Suck It Up for another couple of months until we get that second opinion?
Thing is. It was THIS PAST SUMMER where, on the drive into work every morning, I started to feel a creeping blackness.
Every morning when I drive into work, I check and see if it’s there. Some days it’s not as prevalent, other days it’s huge, and ugly, and scary.
And I’ve been trying to explain it away as trouble dealing with IF. Working through emotions of years past in my therapy sessions. Hormonal, since they come and go.
But I’m starting to wonder if a good portion of that is my job. It’s really not a good fit on either end: me OR my boss.
I’m realistic enough to know that another job, even one more part time on my own terms, will have a lot of challenges. Lucky will still get sick and I’ll have to balance my client commitments with being home. I’ll STILL feel pulled in a bunch of different directions.
But right now, the low grade stress of always feeling attached to my blackberry, the fear of leaving “early” and missing something critical, the sinking pit in my stomach when I drop Lucky off at daycare and realize I haven’t checked my email since last night…
… well it’s sucking the soul from me. Slowly.
And I worked too fucking hard to even BE a mom to squander it away on email and work crap that ultimately doesn’t MATTER in the grand scheme of my life.
I was lucky to bring my son home. And he deserves parents who can be fully present in his life.
So I really think I’m going to make the leap.