Mishmash.

February 10, 2012 at 12:30 pm | Posted in Career angst, Cheese with that whine? (aka rants), Cult of Personality, Parenting, schmoop (i.e. why I love my kid) | 10 Comments

Thanks for bearing with my all introspective soul-searching crap this week. I’ve really been struggling with work but also with giving my notice.

The facts: Things have simmered down a bit. Last week’s stress was really my boss blowing off steam.

I am also giving my notice on Monday.

It’s going to be one of the hardest things I’ve done, personally. It’s HARD to say “hey, this career thing that I’ve spent years and a lot of money working towards? Yeah, not so much what I wanted after all.”

But I’m going on the idea that happiness is worth that cost, and my family will benefit from my happiness.

____________________________

What I haven’t mentioned is that I set up a consultation with another RE in the area. For next Friday.

Not much to say, really. This particular doctor showed up as being in the top 1% of REs in the nation, according to a US News & World Report.

My SIL and a few friends have also some personal experience with this doctor, and have told me that this RE is a straight shooter.

We shall see what happens. I am personally at the point where my medical file is bigger than my hope. So I don’t really have any expectations of this meeting, per se.

With the insurance issue? I have enough fodder to fight the issue with Charlie Brown’s insurance, but I also forgot that I might be able to purchase insurance through COBRA, too. Will be expensive, but cheaper than paying for something out of pocket.

_____________________________

Lucky is pretty damn awesome right now.

He’s starting to draw things that you can tell what they ARE. Which, truthfully, is sort of huge. Yesterday when I got him from school, there was a piece of paper in his cubby with a drawing on it.

Looked like a balloon to me, but you never know.

(Because, really. Asking a 3 year old if they drew a balloon is sort of like asking someone if they’re pregnant – FULL of risk. NO, MOMMY!! That’s a TREE!)

So I asked him what it was.

I drew a balloon, Mommy! See, here’s the string and the balloon. And it’s flying up in to the sky, right THERE.

Score. I actually knew what it was. YEAH!

If I had to label Lucky right now, he’d be my Engineer Kid.

Because his million questions are about how things WORK. Which challenges me every time he asks.

So my answers usually go sort of like this.

Well, the snowblower sucks in snow and then shoots it out of there. Huh, no, I don’t know why it’s got sharp edges where it sucks in the snow. Maybe to break it apart if it’s icy. Uh, no, I don’t know what the handle is for. Yes, that DOES look like a plug. I dunno, maybe you can plug it in to charge the batter? You know what? Your Daddy knows more about snowblowers than I do. Let’s make sure we ask him tonight so he can teach me too!

About EVERY.THING.HE.SEES.

It’s like he’s looking at the world and wants to break everything he learns down by figuring out how it WORKS.

It’s awesome. He’s so curious, and really smart, and I don’t really have the words to describe how much I love it.

But wow it’s exhausting too. I wasn’t one of those kids who really CARED how stuff worked. I lived really mostly in my own imagination world where everything just worked and I could do what I wanted when I wanted.

I have the sense that O is a lot like Charlie Brown in that sense. And I very much want to cultivate his curiosity. That, I believe, will determine his “school success.” Curiosity.

______________________________

I am having a horrible time with insomnia this week. Pretty sure it’s a couple of things at play here. Work stress, yes.

But our change in schedule. Charlie Brown’s commute makes him get home two hours later than he did before. Which means that he’s pretty much JUST gotten home when I’m sleepy and ready for bed.

And because I love my husband and want to, you know, actually interact with him on a daily basis, I push past the sleepiness and miss my “sleeping window.”

So when I go to bed, I’m awake. For hours. Just sitting there, trying to get sleepy.

And then I get to sleep, but it’s fitful, and I wake up after bad dreams and then am awake, obsessing over them, until my alarm rings.

Rinse, repeat.

Last night I took 3mg of melatonin. I again stayed up too late, so it took me FOREVER to fall asleep.

But once I did, I slept through the night. I’m calling that progress.

________________________________

That’s it for me today. D-Day is Monday morning; plan is to come in and give notice early.

I am strong. I can do this. I know it.

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10 Comments »

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  1. Wishing you strength and harmony on Monday. I hate those confrontations with bosses! But you are right–it will be worth it for your happiness and family.

    Lucky is the cutest! W is more into the “whys” right now. Use the snow blower example and put in “why” for each answer you could give.

    I cannot wait for those recognizable pictures! šŸ™‚

  2. You’re gonna do great, Serenity, and you will feel peace with your choice as time passes!

  3. You know what? You aren’t giving up your career. You are amending it, to fit your needs and who you are NOW. You will work in accounting, on a consulting basis. You will be calling on the shots on your career, not your boss.

    I LOVE getting K’s pictures back and knowing what she drew. She drew one with a spider body and legs (8 and all!)and then a head with long hair on top of it, I asked her what it was: She said, “Spiderwoman!”. LOL.

    Much strength to you on Monday.

  4. I will be rooting for you and wishing you luck!

  5. You ARE strong. You CAN do this. You DO know it. (and I know it about you, too!).

    Have a great weekend and I hope the cloud of resignation doesn’t dampen the sun.

  6. You can do it! Have a great weekend- try not to think about it.

    And you are not chucking in your career- you are choosing to leave an unhealthy work environment. Big difference, in my books.
    xoxoxo
    T.

  7. This post made me think of you: http://jackfit.blogspot.com/2011/01/sea-of-possibilities.html

  8. On Monday just walk in and out of that office with your head held high. I really resonate with your posts about ‘being enough’ as I share the struggle so I can relate to your emotions on this one. Back in 2001 the company I was working for sold our division to the worst company ever and my boss was an abusive jerk. Just verbally and emotionally nasty. I decided I was worth more than that and gave notice without a job to go to – very risky for a type A control freak like me, but I listened to everyone who said I deserved happiness.

    I held my head high, resigned and walked out. Less than two weeks later the building was destroyed in the attacks on the World Trade Center. My reason for sharing this is that we don’t always know what’s around the bend in the grand plan for us, and sometimes we need some raw courage to get past the speed bumps to come to the next great thing. I’ll send peace and harmony your way for sure.

  9. Don’t think of it as giving up and walking away from something, think of it as walking toward a better life for you and your family. Better in that you will be whole again. Hold your head high and know that you are doing something good.

    I will be thinking of you tomorrow.

  10. Best of luck tomorrow! I had similar feelings when I did a bit of a career redirection 6 or 7 years ago; it just got to the point where I didn’t care that it would be more practical to stay in my old job for 6 months — I just couldn’t do it. You are not giving up, you are moving on to better things.


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