Hope.

February 14, 2012 at 9:40 am | Posted in Career angst, Crazy Talk (aka: Therapy) | 4 Comments

Man, I didn’t realize JUST how tightly wound I was about the whole giving notice thing.

Until last night: when I slept straight through until morning. Literally for the first time in two weeks I had no issue with insomnia.

Granted, I’m freaking exhausted today, but hey. I slept, right?

Yesterday’s conversation with my boss made me feel fantastic, actually. It went as well as it COULD go; I’m leaving not only on good terms, but I did get validation that my work here has made a difference, at least a little bit.

And at the end of the day, I AM quite capable at my job, given the flexibility to work as many hours as I want to. I am just in a place in my life where I CANNOT work those hours.

(Nor, honestly, do I want to.)

Funny thing, though. I have believed now for many years that part of being an adult is taking responsibility for decisions and actions.

And yes, that means sticking it out at a job that makes me not-so-happy – because not sticking it out means I’m running away.

It’s just Not Responsible, you see.

Except. Charlie Brown and I are tapped out. We can’t stay on top of paying bills or straightening the house. Hell, even LAUNDRY these past few weeks has fallen by the wayside.

With his commute right now, we have so little time to get things done. So scaling back my hours will only HELP us.

It’s the Responsible Choice.

So somehow, quitting my job for something more flexible is both irresponsible AND responsible, all at once.

But it wasn’t until after I had my meeting with my boss that I was actually able to relax and feel GOOD, really good, about my decision.

People… I have HOPE again.

And I realized in my therapy session just how far I’ve come in the past year.

Because. I’ve never actually quit a job before when I haven’t measured up to expectation. I’ve always exceeded expectations and quit when a) I’ve gotten bored and need a new challenge, or b) I finished up all of my work (met expectations) and then went on maternity leave in a company where everyone knew once you had a kid you were gone.

And I was terrified. You all have no idea how scared I was to give notice yesterday morning. I thought I was having a heart attack in the few moments before I went into my boss’s office and told him I was resigning.

Seriously the most scared I’ve been in a long, long time.

So what I did yesterday? Is so DIFFERENT for me.

And I feel like leaving my job marks a new beginning for me. Where I approach the whole of my life thoughtfully, really figuring out what is best for my family AND me, what makes us ALL happy.

I’m not a prisoner to a past decision in order to prove that I am a responsible adult.

I haven’t felt like this in so long. I’ve felt stiff and broken and stuck.

Today, I feel hopeful. And proud of myself. And excited about what’s next.

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4 Comments »

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  1. New beginnings, a fresh start, and hope. What a great recipe for success and happiness. At the end of each day, that is what we’re all doing this thing called life for, right, to live in our state of happiness more than living with dis-ease.

    I can’t wait to see where this journey takes you!

  2. Weeee! I am so excited for you!

    Honestly, it is a much more difficult decision to choose to leave and take the risk to find something better, than to just stay and stick it out and grind away. Give yourself all the credit you deserve- you did something really tough yesterday.

    Some people retire before they hit the level of self-awareness that you’ve come to when it comes to careers.

    I can’t wait to hear about the new adventures.
    xoxoxo
    T.

  3. Obviously you’re intellectually and professionally capable of doing their job, so then the issue becomes do you WANT to, and you have found that answer…congratulations! I always see these things as less a commentary on skill and more a decision on “matching.” Does the job match me and vice versa. Been independent for 6 years in my profession. And yes, I make less money than I would working full time+ for a BIG firm, but I have time…with my husband, kid, hobbies, home, etc. It is fantastic! So we don’t buy that new sofa or take that fancy vacation, but we have life. You will love it!!

  4. Cheering! And: take lots of deep breaths. 🙂


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