Signs.February 16, 2012 at 10:54 am | Posted in My life, Stuff Outta My Head | 8 Comments
My relationship with the universe is complicated.
Because. I don’t really believe in Signs. Or God. Or angels. Or Destiny.
At least, not the way that we were taught as kids. I don’t really believe that God has a Plan for me and that that all the bad stuff that happens to people – myself included – isn’t really all that bad because, well, there’s a plan. And God is good.
I call bullshit on that. Because bad stuff happens to good people. And it SUCKS. It’s not BETTER because God has some stupid plan for that person. It doesn’t make the pain go away. It’s a stupid sentiment and makes me angry whenever I hear someone say that.
At the end of the day, I create my OWN life. And fate.
I will say, however: sometimes I wish I had that blind faith and optimism that my life would all work out the way it’s supposed to.
(I mean, it OBviously WILL work out. We as humans are incredibly adaptable.)
But it would take a lot of pressure off of me to have to make decisions, wondering if it’s the RIGHT one.
What I DO believe in, however, is The Law of Conservation of Energy.
Which basically says that energy can neither be created or destroyed. But that it can change forms, and flow from one place to another.
I believe that we all have an energy that’s uniquely ours. Call it a soul, heart, mind/body connection, whatever. It’s what makes all of us US. And when we die, that energy goes back into the universe. It may combine with other energy and manifest itself in very different ways. But it’s still ours.
So this whole job thing. I’ve been unhappy with my job for a LONG time now.It’s been awful: a low-grade stress which pops every once in a while and makes Sunday nights completely miserable. And it’s been this way for two years if I do the math.
But I’ve been sticking it out, trying to make it work.
Partly because I wanted Charlie Brown to have the flexibility of finding a job that’s better suited to him.
Partly because I don’t like the idea of quitting when things get rough.
Partly because I was scared, too.
Partly because I knew my job had IF coverage, and I wanted that flexibility. Because I’m not really okay with saying that it’s final – we’re done.
The blowup here a couple of weeks ago, though… it set into motion a chain of events that I can only say seem like Signs.
Because it blew up, I gathered the strength to give my notice, without any sort of firm new job offer. It was the first time in a long time that I’ve gone on faith that I’d figure something out, and being out of a toxic (for me) environment was the bigger priority.
So a couple of things happened this week.
My boss has approached me again and mentioned some consulting work when I finish up here on February 24. Suggested by the auditors (oh, the irony. The very people who made the issue blow up in the first place want to make sure I stay on. Seriously, I can’t make this stuff up!). Mostly to help my company get through year end, but because there’s a LOT of work and my boss is now worried that someone new won’t be able to handle it.
(Again. The irony. But whatever.)
But also, yesterday, I got the word that I start my new part time consulting gig on a new client. On Tuesday February 28.
And I talked with a friend who is self employed, who pointed to some Massachusetts state insurance plans for people who are self-employed.
For those of you following along? It might mean that IF we decide we want to spend more energy on building our family, we’d have insurance coverage for it.
I’m pricing some things out, but if I am the one to purchase the health insurance for me, and Charlie Brown has Lucky covered under his insurance, we might be able to make it work.
So no gap in work, or money. Potential for the whole insurance thing to work out.
I had this feeling yesterday: Really? Is this my life? Aren’t I supposed to have to FIGHT for this?
I am, dare I say it?
I don’t want to be all dramatic, but the past few years… well, I’ve had to fight a LOT. There have been days where it’s been a fight to get out of bed in the morning.
And though I have been in therapy, working on figuring out how to be happy, I’ve had this niggling worry.
Have I have lost the capability to be happy?
So yes, right now there’s a sense that maybe there’s another shoe poised somewhere in the universe, ready to drop and squash these free and happy feelings.
But in the meantime, I’m going to enjoy it.
And maybe, just maybe, I should start believing in Signs.