Signs.

February 16, 2012 at 10:54 am | Posted in My life, Stuff Outta My Head | 8 Comments

My relationship with the universe is complicated.

Because. I don’t really believe in Signs. Or God. Or angels. Or Destiny.

At least, not the way that we were taught as kids. I don’t really believe that God has a Plan for me and that that all the bad stuff that happens to people – myself included – isn’t really all that bad because, well, there’s a plan. And God is good.

I call bullshit on that. Because bad stuff happens to good people. And it SUCKS. It’s not BETTER because God has some stupid plan for that person. It doesn’t make the pain go away. It’s a stupid sentiment and makes me angry whenever I hear someone say that.

At the end of the day, I create my OWN life. And fate.

I will say, however: sometimes I wish I had that blind faith and optimism that my life would all work out the way it’s supposed to.

(I mean, it OBviously WILL work out. We as humans are incredibly adaptable.)

But it would take a lot of pressure off of me to have to make decisions, wondering if it’s the RIGHT one.

What I DO believe in, however, is The Law of Conservation of Energy.

Which basically says that energy can neither be created or destroyed. But that it can change forms, and flow from one place to another.

I believe that we all have an energy that’s uniquely ours. Call it a soul, heart, mind/body connection, whatever. It’s what makes all of us US. And when we die, that energy goes back into the universe. It may combine with other energy and manifest itself in very different ways. But it’s still ours.

_________________________

So this whole job thing. I’ve been unhappy with my job for a LONG time now.It’s been awful: a low-grade stress which pops every once in a while and makes Sunday nights completely miserable. And it’s been this way for two years if I do the math.

But I’ve been sticking it out, trying to make it work.

Partly because I wanted Charlie Brown to have the flexibility of finding a job that’s better suited to him.

Partly because I don’t like the idea of quitting when things get rough.

Partly because I was scared, too.

Partly because I knew my job had IF coverage, and I wanted that flexibility. Because I’m not really okay with saying that it’s final – we’re done.

The blowup here a couple of weeks ago, though… it set into motion a chain of events that I can only say seem like Signs.

Because it blew up, I gathered the strength to give my notice, without any sort of firm new job offer. It was the first time in a long time that I’ve gone on faith that I’d figure something out, and being out of a toxic (for me) environment was the bigger priority.

So a couple of things happened this week.

My boss has approached me again and mentioned some consulting work when I finish up here on February 24. Suggested by the auditors (oh, the irony. The very people who made the issue blow up in the first place want to make sure I stay on. Seriously, I can’t make this stuff up!). Mostly to help my company get through year end, but because there’s a LOT of work and my boss is now worried that someone new won’t be able to handle it.

(Again. The irony. But whatever.)

But also, yesterday, I got the word that I start my new part time consulting gig on a new client. On Tuesday February 28.

And I talked with a friend who is self employed, who pointed to some Massachusetts state insurance plans for people who are self-employed.

For those of you following along? It might mean that IF we decide we want to spend more energy on building our family, we’d have insurance coverage for it.

I’m pricing some things out, but if I am the one to purchase the health insurance for me, and Charlie Brown has Lucky covered under his insurance, we might be able to make it work.

So no gap in work, or money. Potential for the whole insurance thing to work out.

I had this feeling yesterday: Really? Is this my life? Aren’t I supposed to have to FIGHT for this?

I am, dare I say it?

HAPPY.

I don’t want to be all dramatic, but the past few years… well, I’ve had to fight a LOT. There have been days where it’s been a fight to get out of bed in the morning.

And though I have been in therapy, working on figuring out how to be happy, I’ve had this niggling worry.

Have I have lost the capability to be happy?

So yes, right now there’s a sense that maybe there’s another shoe poised somewhere in the universe, ready to drop and squash these free and happy feelings.

But in the meantime, I’m going to enjoy it.

And maybe, just maybe, I should start believing in Signs.

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8 Comments »

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  1. I do not believe in a “God”, someone who is puppeteering our lives. However, to expand on your belief that energy changes form, I do believe in a universal life force, comprised of all that energy and that there is an order to things and that the order might always be easily understood or known to us at a particular moment.

    Oprah calls them whispers…the universe’s way of directing your attention or instinct toward or away from something. And, I definitely believe in instinct. It is what is partially responsible for preservation of the species

    All this to say that maybe instead of believing in signs, you just need to notice them, examine and reflect upon the goings on in your life in a way that might bring some clarity. And, as a long time reader, I dare say, trust yourself more than you do. Your head is screwed on very straight and trusting that would bring a measure of relief I would think.

    Congrats on things coming together in a positive way. As your friend, you deserve at least that much.

  2. Yay! Wherever it’s coming from, this is all great news. Was what your friend recommended NASE? I bought insurance from them back before we had all these state plans, so it’s changed now. But I think they’re still the best ones to go through. And they have an Aflac-type plan to help you make up for lost income if you’re injured or hospitalized.
    I’m so happy for you.

  3. Just wanted to say congratulations and I’m happy for you. I never was a prolific commenter and haven’t posted much in the way of comments anywhere in a long time, but I still follow along and read. I’m really admire all the ‘work’ you’ve done over the past few years and your courage to take this step. Signs, Gd, whatever, it certainly seems like your getting some real confirmation that this was the right step for you and I’m just happy for you. I’ve been spending some time the past few months working on my own “issues” and while I haven’t made any big changes, it’s still been a positive but challenging experience. Thanks so much for sharing your story! I’m sure I’ll keep ll be reading, though probably quietly. So, let me take this opportunity to say I wish you the best of luck in your work, parenting, family-building efforts, running,….

  4. Glad to see you happy! πŸ™‚

  5. Sounds like you are hitting the ground running, and I love the irony that it is the auditors who want you to stick around as a consultant. This is a great move, financially- my Dad got out of the army after 30 years with a full pension and then promptly spent the next seven or eight years working for the department as a consultant, and billing at a much much higher rate than he was paid as a colonel!

    I also sometimes think the universe has a funny way of making things work out. The number of things that had to align for Q. and I to meet is quite something.

    xoxo
    T.

  6. I don’t believe in signs, either. Except when they keep making an appearance at my doorstep. Which, in past years, they have.

    Enjoy Happy. Sometimes the universe just works in the right way … and I don’t like to taunt it, just in case. πŸ™‚

  7. Smiling over here πŸ™‚

  8. Sounds like good things may be coming your way!


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