Choices. *With an Update*

February 23, 2012 at 10:45 am | Posted in Infertility | 11 Comments

Well, color me wrong. I heard back from Big City Clinic, apparently on the transfer that took place on April 25, 2011, both embryos WERE assisted hatched.

This means that Charlie Brown is right and another cycle is rolling the dice.

Fuck.

_______________________________

I’m not sure I have the words to thank you for the support you all gave me on my last post.

It’s so interesting to me that everyone I’ve talked with – well, with the exception of Charlie Brown – has told me a Two things:

1. It’s okay to want something that is entirely emotional and NOT rational,

2. Maybe you should accept that you, Serenity, are not ready to walk away just yet.

Thing is.

I WANT to walk away. More than anything.

I want to get away from feeling, yet again, that my body is a failure.

I want to run from the reminder that babies aren’t created with my husband in love, but in a lab with the help of doctors and embryologists. I never wanted to build a family this way.

So. Yeah. Apparently I haven’t found a place of peace with our infertility – even though it’s been 6 years since we found out.

I’m still fighting it.

So I WANT to walk away, but my heart keeps telling me I CAN’T walk away. Despite all our failed cycles.

We keep failing at this. WHY ARE WE STILL TRYING?

It’s not LOGICAL.

And because it’s not logical, I’m struggling with accepting more cycling as a Real Option.

Which is why I want Charlie Brown to say, you know, I think it’s worthwhile for us to try again.

Some else, outside of my heart. I want someone to say, yes, that’s logical, even though you keep failing at it, it TOTALLY makes sense that you should try again.

And I want that person to be Charlie Brown. Because he’s a logical guy, and if he says we should do it, I know he means it.

He won’t, though. Because he doesn’t think that it’s worthwhile. He believes in statistics, and statistically speaking, we are way the fuck out on the bell curve, and at some point we need to realize that maybe we got lucky with Lucky and need to stop rolling the dice.

But – he understands that I’m NOT okay with that. So he HAS said to me, you know, if you feel strongly, we can do another cycle.

He said this on Sunday night, in fact.

Really, if I think about it, it’s pretty fucking stupid that I’m angry with my husband for that. There are FAR worse places to be. He is willing to do something to help ME feel better, even though he was done with trying a LONG time ago.
That’s huge.

I think I just want an out, though. I want someone ELSE to tell me what to do.

I want to do another cycle. I am hopeful. Because New RE confirmed for me what I’ve always thought: that the use of antibiotics and assisted hatching was the magic bullet and what made our IVF #3 work.

And I get to see every day the living proof of that success in my funny, sweet, crazy, smart son.

But.

I’m also TERRIFIED of doing another cycle. I’m afraid that it’s going down a slippery slope. Opening up a can of worms. Pandora’s box. Et cetera.

I’m scared I will NEVER be done with cycling, that I’ll always have hope that the next one might work, I’ll never be happy with my life as it is now because I’m always holding out hope of getting pregnant eventually.

My therapist keeps telling me that I can only make a decision in the here and now. I can’t decide based on a fear of being some way in the future. I can only choose what’s in front of me.

So what’s in front of me, right now?

My mind is frustrated with my heart. It wants it to shut up and listen to REASON. Come on, Serenity, let’s think about this here. You’ve done how many transfers? With how much success? Remember how SHITTY you feel when it doesn’t work? Walk away now. It’s not worth it.

And my heart whispers, Except. Only one transfer was with assisted hatching. You have a son from that cycle. Remember? He is worth every moment of pain you went through to bring him home. And he’s amazing, so, so amazing. Don’t you want more of that love?

Sigh.

I suppose it’s a good problem to have.

I have a choice. That’s more than others have, for sure.

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11 Comments »

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  1. Yes, you want to just walk away from it all. But more accurately, you really want to walk away from it with a baby. There’s no guarantee that that will happen. But several doctors now have told you they think it’s worth continuing. I don’t know, I’ve kind of been shying away from saying anything because I really don’t want to be telling you what to do. What business is it of mine to tell you what you want? But I just can’t see that you’ll ever be at peace with stopping until it WORKS. I know it sucks, it’s not fair, all that. But you’re right, you can choose. You can’t control the outcome, but at least you can control whether or not you try again.
    Good luck, whatever you do choose.

  2. You, like me, want to walk away from the science we require to make/have a baby, but you are not ready to walk away from having a baby, completing your family.

    While I am not suggesting you don’t use your own eggs, but is that a requirement? Is it full biological sibling or nothing? Are you open to other options? If yes, it is your own eggs, then I also think you need to move on from the protocol that produced O. You aren’t that woman any more, and you definitely need to come to terms with that so that you can embrace the hope that can come with a new, more aggressive protocol, that considers the results of all the cycles since O. Also is it possible, that you would do PGD or other genetic testing of your embryos? Just knowing that you are transferring a genetically normal blast greatly increases the odds of success. (By the way, my RE is reporting, that with his donor egg cycles, where PGD is used, success rates are 90%. (And, that, even with young donors, 60-70% of the embryos they create are abnormal).

    Have you considered doing a phone consult with a top RE outside of your market? A lot can be gleaned in speaking with a nationally respected RE even if that is agreement with what the recent RE told you.

    I know that donor egg cycles are expensive (I’ve done one), but is that an option?

    What about donated embryos?

    I know you have considered these alternatives, but I thought I would revisit them.

  3. Saw the update. Fuck is right. I’m sorry, hun.
    xoxo
    T.

  4. Just want to say that I’m thinking about you. I haven’t commented because I’m not sure what to say. It is hard for me when I want something and BigP is being all logical and not on the same page…

  5. Forget about statistics. There aren’t really accurate statistics for assessing IVF success. My husband and I tried to use this logic to figure out how many of cycles of IVF we should attempt. Generally , however, most people can’t take more than 3 cycles of IVF and this tends to be a stopping place (in addition, some insurance companies (including my insurance company) will not provide coverage for more than 3 cycles per live birth). I know you want hubby on the same page. You want to be IN this together so that when the going gets tough, the other one can’t say “well YOU wanted to do this…not ME.” I wish there was a short pat answer….but I think you were trying for that answer: IVF sucks. I want to enjoy life. It doesn’t make sense to keep doing something that hurts. So, let’s stop. That’s the logical, rational answer. But your soul screams: NO, I WANT MORE. Your soul isn’t going to be quiet. Push yourself until you feel you have pushed yourself as far as possible. You feel you haven’t pushed hard enough. Then push more. You will cry uncle at some point. Just make sure that point won’t ruin your marriage and your sanity. I am not in your brain or your relationship…so I can’t say what that point is, but it seems from your blog that you aren’t there yet. Such a horrible place to be. We WANT life to equalize…we WANT to believe that because it was so darn hard for you the first time that it SHOULD be easier the second. But, life is a crazy b*tch that doesn’t care about anyone and doesn’t cut people breaks even when they most deserve them (unlike the movies).

  6. Nothing more to say; just wanted to let you know I was thinking about you. [Hugs]

  7. I keep coming back to leave a comment, but I don’t really know what I want to say. I hope you reach a decision that everyone can make peace with.

  8. Thinking of you Serenity. I wish this would be easier and “the answer” obvious.

  9. That’s why ART sucks. It’s always about rolling the dice. Somehow that decision was “easier” when I didn’t have a child already. But rolling the dice now? I just wonder why I want to keep doing that to myself, especially given the fact that we went through 6 embryos worth of dice rolling and came up with nothing. Not even a BFP. Not saying that you should stop. Just wanted to acknowledge that this sucks and I wish the choice was clearer and easier.

  10. Just thinking out loud here – what if you set a cycle limit with this new RE in advance? Like, ok we do 2 cycles with this RE – (I think 2 because it is a new RE and they can tweak the 2nd round). Then, THAT IS IT. Done, one way or the other. That way – you get to try again, you feel like you tried with the new Dr., but you know in advance that this is where is stops.? I don’t know, I am just babbling. I am truly sorry you are going through this. Thinking of you.

  11. I’m sorry you are going through this….my only comment is that I hope you realize how lucky you are to have Charlie Brown….tell him today how much….we already know he’s lucky to have you 😉

    Leslie B.


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