The Bitter and The Sweet.

March 3, 2012 at 5:19 pm | Posted in Birthdays (Years in Review), motherhood | 5 Comments

It struck me, with the turning of the calendar last week.

My little boy will be 4 this month.

THIS MONTH.

He is full of questions and activity and busy and negotiation. He still needs me to lay with him when he falls asleep, but I can often leave his room before he’s fully asleep and he’s fine. He knows now not to come out of his room until the light on his clock is green, and often in the morning I hear him playing on his own before he comes to see us.

When I pick him up from school, he’s always busy DOING stuff and in no real rush to leave to go home.

We have real, actual, logical conversations now about behavior and choices and why someone might be angry and take a toy from you and how you can handle it in the future.

He’s all skinny legs and arms and bones and skin and rarely asks to be carried.

He wants to be a pilot when he grows up.

It’s undeniable –it’s been a long time since he’s been my baby.

I forget, sometimes, how tiny he was in my arms.

He’s such a KID now.

And I love it. I love the imagination, and even on the days where I’m nearly pulling out my hair in the daycare parking lot at night… it’s never boring. He’s got intelligence AND negotiation skills, and even though it’s frustrating as HELL sometimes, I’m happy to see these traits in my son.

Because I’d rather having a kid who knows what he wants and will really work hard at getting it than a kid who follows all the rules just because I say so.

(Doesn’t mean he’ll get what he wants, mind you. I just like seeing him push for something he wants. Mostly.)

And as much as time USED to stand still back in the days when we were trying to bring him home, I’m scared by how fast it seems to be going now. I mean, if by some chance New RE’s protocol works and we manage to get pregnant from a spring/early summer cycle… he and his potential sibling will have nearly 5 years between them. I always thought I’d have kids closer together in age.

Course, that’s going down the path of trying again. I’m still on the fence about it; leaning towards doing something else but really, really dreading it. The thinking about it has been tabled, however, until we do more tests, meet with New RE again (April), and I run my next half marathon (May 6) before we get started.

I sort of like not really thinking about it right now.

In the meantime, I can’t help but look at my Lucky with a mix of both the sweet and the bitter. The longing to stop time, in those moments where I can see the man he will be, makes my heart ache sometimes. I love him so much and he makes me so happy. I want to keep him like this, with me and his daddy as his world, forever.

But then. He’s turning into such an amazing kid, and there’s a part of me who can’t wait to see that man he’s going to be. The part of me who sees him interact with his friends, invite them to our house, look forward to playing with them, discovering that there’s a world of relationships waiting for him beyond me and his dad. I can’t wait to see the path he chooses and the life he’ll have.

I know, I know. He’s FOUR.

But man. When did that happen?

Because I remember the day he was born like it was yesterday. The newness of it all, the worry I wasn’t ready to be a mom, the utter relief I felt when I heard his squalling in the operating room, the need to see him and hold him to remind myself that it was all REAL, even when I was throwing up with the spins from all the meds.

But now he’s got opinions. So if you want to know, for his birthday, he wants all of everyone to come to his house and have cake (without eggs of course), and wants to eat pasta with butter and cheese. And he wants candles on his cake. And blue frosting. And a space shuttle as a present.

So yeah. Sweet. And a little bitter. But really? Mostly sweet. Still really lucky.

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5 Comments »

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  1. I can tell you from my standpoint the years just get better and better. It is so rewarding to have them grow up and be good humans 🙂

  2. Cam wants to be a FiremanAstronaut. Whatevr that is. And methinks I need one of those tot-clocks. Cam is up and out of bed by 5:45 every day now.

  3. Love this. Wishing him a wonderful space-shuttle-filled day! They do grow up so fast … my son’s feet were in my hand today, and I wondered where in the world those things came from!

  4. Pirate is the persona of choice here! I often wonder if parents who haven’t one through the same infertility experience feel the same feelings of being lucky? I guess we all love our babes hugely but the feelings of luck? I’m not sure.

  5. Moving forward is the only choice…sadly. As much as we want to hold on to these days….they will be taken from us….until we have grandchildren (hopefully!). I love the detailied desires for the birthday party! And, funny, but we’re moving into a “space ship” phase too! Except I think Nathan is confusing “space ship” with “pirate ship.”


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