Intentions.March 7, 2012 at 10:30 am | Posted in Stuff Outta My Head, The Community | 16 Comments
It’s been a long time since I’ve written about how I feel about the ALI community. I’ve been thinking about it for days, now, though – ever since Mel posted about it.
And I read comments, and re-read comments, and then today’s post too.
When I started regularly blogging 6 years ago, it was to put my experience with infertility out into the universe in the hopes that I’d help people. My goal was to blog about my life honestly, the ups and the downs and the rollercoaster of emotion and happiness and fear in the hopes that maybe someone who was struggling would find my experience helpful in some way. And along the way, I found an amazingly supportive community of women who held me up when I couldn’t stand on my own, and who cheered with me when Lucky was delivered into my arms. And I found some of my best friends through this community; women who I am proud to call part of my family.
I admit I’ve struggled a bit with this blog lately. Blogging has changed pretty significantly in the past 6 years, as has my life. I feel like a blogger really has to work at keeping readers; linking to twitter and facebook and marketing a blog in some way. It’s not enough to click through and comment and read other people anymore, you have to stay on top of it more than I’ve had time for.
And over the years I’ve seen my commenters dwindle. Which hasn’t been a huge deal for me, really. Until last year, when I really struggled with trying again. The support that was my lifeline when we were trying for Lucky seemed to be gone. I started getting in my own head, making assumptions about my readers. Maybe it was because people felt I should be happy with what I have. Maybe I was being a drama queen because I wasn’t able to handle something that, on the whole, is a good problem to have. Maybe I should just relax. Maybe I wasn’t marketing my blog enough.
Maybe I am just a boring, repetitive, bitter old infertile who needs to stop blogging.
Charlie Brown remarked last night, in jest, that I had two moods: angry and tired. And then, for the rest of the night, whenever I said something, he said, See? Anger! or See? Tired!
I am, you know. Angry and tired. Probably all the time. And I don’t know how to fix it. I’ve certainly blogged about my struggles here.
But you know, I am starting to sound like a tired old country song.
I can’t have more kids and I’m tired all the time
And I hate my life and well, shouldn’t I be fine?
Because I have my Lucky and damn is he great
Shouldn’t I be happy even without a new due date?
I know that in the grand scheme of all the things that could go wrong with my life, the fact that I’m (yes, still) infertile is one tiny part. I mean, seriously. I am married to a really good man. I just switched jobs for one that allows me not only a day off a week, but a schedule where I could run every day of the week, pick up Lucky from school, get dinner on the table, clean up, AND prep for the next day – without feeling like I’m doing too much.
I mean, seriously. There are people out there who deal with FAR worse things than being unable to have a second kid. Especially in the ALI community. There are heartbreaking losses and starting over and fear that they will never be a parent.
So why is it I, personally, can’t handle trying this second time around?
And I think that’s where I’ve gone wrong, you see. The intentions of this blog, when I first started, was to put my experience out there in the hopes that it might help that person. Over the years it’s turned into a narcissistic need to have people validate my journey. A need for support, for help.
For people to tell me what to do.
Somewhere over the years, I seem to have lost my compass – my Intention for my life. I don’t know it happened; maybe in the overwhelmed, sleep deprived months after Lucky’s birth, where I really truly had no sense of me as a person anymore, where I could barely PEE on my timeline. And then going to work, in the environment where nothing I did was enough, I needed to do more more more more. And then trying again, where no one can really tell us why IVF isn’t working for us, but let’s try this in the hopes that we’ll come out on the other side of the odds. And then, with having a nearly four year old who really does hold me captive to whether or not I want to fight THIS battle, right now. And then, being injured, not being able to run as much or as fast or at all for so long now.
I haven’t felt like I had control over ANYTHING for a while now. And when I do feel good, it’s that I’ve managed to stay on top of all the things in which I have no control, rather than a real accomplishment of creating an outcome.
And that needs to stop.
The thing about Mel’s post today that was most jarring to me was the implicit assumption that you can create a world in which you want to inhabit.
Wait, what??? You are actually in control of creating your life?
And the thing is: I used to believe that, back in the day. I blogged about finding the positive in our IF experience, working really hard NOT to cede my life to it, to remind myself that life was good otherwise. I HAD that idea, that I could create my life to be what *I* wanted it to be. And, well. Lately I haven’t had the energy to do so now; I’ve gotten lazy, or unwilling to do the work it requires to change my perspective.
But I can’t go on like this. Angry and tired is NOT the world I want to inhabit. I don’t WANT to come here and blog incessantly about how I’m scared and overwhelmed and how much IF hurts. I want to be honest, but I want it to be MY honest.
And my honest needs to start with me: changing my perspective, seeing the little things, gathering up those moments where I am gloriously happy and breathing them in. Reframing the bad stuff into a different perspective, letting go of the worries I have zero control over, and refocusing on my purpose in life.
My purpose has GOT to be more than being tired and angry all the time.