New Day.

March 8, 2012 at 9:48 am | Posted in Choosing Happiness., Infertility, My life | 12 Comments

Let me be clear about something: Yesterday’s post wasn’t about lack of comments on my posts. Because, honestly?

I wouldn’t comment on my posts either.

I’m not kidding, either. Often in the past year I’ve looked at my blog from the eyes of a reader, and I’ve though, man, that Serenity chick is a DOWNER. I wouldn’t know what to say to me if I were a commenter/reader. I’d just read, and wish her well, and click away.

Maybe sometimes? I’d stifle a “hey, snap out of it!” sort of reaction and click away.

My point is, I have spent far too much energy telling myself that it’s okay to be miserable, that I should allow myself to feel what I feel and never change. And that has to end.

I think I decided yesterday that I’ll accept that happiness is a choice. And it’s one that I’m going to have to WORK for. Because as Charlie Brown astutely pointed out, my default is angry, followed closely by tired. So yeah. It’s going to take work to pull myself out of Tired Anger. Where I acknowledge that I feel upset or sad or angry about something, but still work on finding a silver lining, the positive in a situation.

But happiness is a choice. And no matter what happens this year, with cycling again, and my new job, and the half marathon time goals I am hoping to reach… I want to be happy NOW. And clearly that’s going to take some work and focus.

And I have to tell you something. Already I feel better. Maybe it’s because after feeling so powerless for so long, I feel like I am DOING something to get to my goal. Maybe it’s because I’m in the early part of my cycle where hormonally I feel much more balanced and in control of my emotions. Maybe I’m just putting on the rose-colored glasses and being naive.

Either way, I feel like today, this new day, holds promise. Maybe I CAN find happiness.

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  1. You are not such a downer. What other blogs do you read? Ones about unicorn farts and fairy queefs? Please! We all have negative shit and negative thoughts and our blogs usually represent more of that than we actually have in our lives because this is where we come to get it out and process it. There isn’t the drive (at least not for most people) to sit down and cathartically get down how awesome their day was. I’ve had a few good things happen in the last day and never once did I think to write about them, but all the little shit that is annoying me? Well I’ve fashioned dozens of would-be posts about that stuff!

    My point is don’t me so hard on yourself. You’re going through an impossibly hard time. Not being able to build the family you want is a tragedy, one that isn’t properly validated by the real world. It makes sense that you come here to work through how you feel about it and itales sense that you feel crappy about it.

    As for Happiness, well I is an elusive little bitch
    I’ve read some enlightening books on in. Let me know of you’re interested in the titles. Some research might help you goal. πŸ˜‰

  2. Popped over here from the very long comment section at Mel’s to see how you have been. In what surprised me and truly defied all rationale: I think secondary infertility hurt worse for me even sometimes than primary. Maybe this was because I constantly told myself that I was being ungrateful, selfish, unappreciative, etc. In all circumstances I believe we can find a peace…but it’s not easily earned (& those who say it is are either lying or male). Something I learned recently also is that blogging is not always the proper tool to fix what’s broken in me.

  3. I sometimes wish blogs had ‘like’ buttons like on f/b. I totally agree with the commenter above that blogs are a great outlet for dealing with negative emotions and the crap in life. I know I tend to think about blog posts to help me process something negative, and I almost never think about jotting down the really good things (which is why I like my letters to E. so much because they make me cut through all the day-to-day exhaustion/frustration of mothering and let me focus on what an awesome little dude he is.)

    I do think we can choose happiness. I have a friend (we met online through IF), and she has had so many rough things happen to her over the last few years. It took her five years to get her first baby, and then another five years after she started trying again to get number 2. Both her parents have died within the last year. Her husband has lost his job. But she remains invariably optimistic and truly does see the good in everything. She is an inspiration to me, given how quick I am to focus on the negative.

    Best of luck changing your mental mindset. It is not easy, but I sense that you are incredibly determined when you set goals, so I’m sure it will be attainable.
    xoxo
    T.

  4. What’s so great, Serenity, is that you are hard-wired toward goal achievement. So, choosing happiness, setting that as your intention, may end up being easier than you think.

    So, while it may be a bit ironic that this fix hadn’t dawned on you earlier, I think you will come to find that, while yes it will take a bit of conscious re-programming, it may come to you more easily because it goes with your grain to accomplish what you set out to do. And that is the silver lining.

  5. I find it a bit funny; every time I come to peek at your updates, I think to myself, “Man, I could have written that.” (Minus the updates about running of course!) You and I are very much in a similar place and I find myself trying to pull up out of the “angry” and “tired” mentality that seems to have overtaken everything in my world. In the last week or two, things have gotten better (and I see that they are for you too!) so I think we both ought to run with that and let it grow and flourish as much as we possibly can. Nurture those good thoughts; they will be exactly what we both need! Many hugs to you, Charlie Brown and of course, Lucky.

  6. I think it IS possible to find happiness, especially when you see that it comes in all shapes and sizes — and it’s in some of the places you’d least expect. It might not be the happiness you’d originally envisioned, but there’s a new happiness out there just waiting for you to embrace it bit by bit. I know you enjoy hiking, so perhaps a solo hike on one of your days away from work? Step back a bit, take in what nature has to offer, and truly be in the moment… Sounds quite lovely!

    Can I make a completely unsolicited suggestion? I know two things about you.

    1. Running makes you happy
    2. Running fast makes you happiest.

    So, to me, at least, it follows that maybe you should consider focusing on that exclusively during this time of happy-seeking-ness. I was once told to find something I do well, and then do it well. I know the distance thing has the element of a challenge that needs to be conquered, which is very appealing for your overachiever personality type, but if the happy is truly with speed, which it seems to be in all the time I’ve known you, then it seems like putting that in the forefront is a good idea right now, especially if you’re not doing a full marathon this year anyway and don’t really need the added mileage. It’s not losing the distance thing completely, as that can come back later, but putting the focus elsewhere for now to set yourself up for overall happiness in your life. Perhaps worth thinking about, at least.

    Okay, shutting up now. πŸ™‚

    • Ha, funny you mention it… taking a running clinic in the spring which starts next week. My goal? A sub 26:00 5k. πŸ™‚ So yeah, I’m on it!

  7. I’m here and reading! I don’t comment much because I usually read on the reader on my phone, posting replies is difficult.

    If we were still dealing with treatments and still not getting pregnant – knowing that I did get pregnant twice before – I don’t know that I’d ever be able to give it up. I so feel you there. It just feels like something that OUGHT to work, even if you have to keep trying.

    My comments have dwindled too, my readership has gone way down…. for a different reason of course. But that’s just how it is. It feels so weird when blogs change, when your life changes, and the blog doesn’t know what to do anymore. I think you should just use this space however is helpful to you.

  8. What about those of us who read *because* we can relate to angry and tired? Okay, I’m joking (sort of), but I agree with pps that many of us use our blogs to process the negative stuff in our lives, and that’s not necessarily a bad thing, nor do I think it scares off readers (at least not the thoughtful ones worth keeping). I’m also at a point where I’m thinking it’s time for a change in my (and my blog’s) approach, but have been hesitant to bite the bullet and DO it. Maybe you’ll be my inspiration : )

  9. I’ve been reading for a long time, since my fertility struggles years back. I have been reading because you are a compelling writer and because I’m curious to see if you ever reach your turning point and actually turn. I appreciate your honesty and feel your mental struggles mirror those of many people who I know and love, and getting a small window into their mind is a relief, and for that I am thankful. From my armchair psychologist perspective, I do not believe your mental anguish comes from fertility in as much as if that were not an issue then there would be another fixation that would dominate your mental space and compromise your happiness. The root of those fixations is the thing, and I hope that your thing gets unearthed and shredded and thrown away.

    Two years ago I was in a terrifying car wreck with my 2 year old daughter in the backseat. The car was totaled, we were miraculously fine. I have not gone a day since without joy and thankfulness and gratitude to my husband, my daughter, my loved ones, the universe, and so on. Overnight, almost every ounce of anguish, self loathing and obsession, the need for “perfection,” and fear that I had disappeared because life is unpredictable and temporary and terrible and wonderful things happen every day and there is no minute like the one you are living now and those minutes can be taken from you at will. I hope that I’m not being too much of a downer here but I really hope that it does not take a car wreck (metaphoric or otherwise) for you to find your joy.

  10. I’ve been reading your blog since before you conceived Lucky – and while sometimes it might seem (lately) like you’re spinning your wheels, I can also tell that you’re doing a hell of a lot of work in your mind and heart, dealing with STUFF, and life, and emotions, and everything that’s happened to you since your cousin died.

    I too have lost a loved one to suicide, and I don’t often mention it but my mom survived a suicide attempt 14 years ago. It changed me forever even though she’s still with us.

    It takes time.

    I’ve not been a very good commenter in the past 2 years, and I think that has been my contribution to the drama that unfolded this past week. I’m going to try to amend that starting right here, right now.

    I’m glad you’r still blogging.

  11. I believe that happiness can be a choice too. I use that principle in my life, and it does work πŸ™‚


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