March 21, 2012 at 7:58 am | Posted in And I ran (I ran so far away), Heartbreak, Infertility, motherhood | 15 Comments

My sister’s beta was negative yesterday.

Proof of why it’s so fucking unfair? Instead of getting drunk and sobbing on the couch last night, she instead went to her bible study and then to ice cream with a friend. And when she texted me in response to my check in text, she used a happy face AND an exclamation point.

I am pretty certain I will kick God’s ass if I ever get to meet him. It’s one thing to give ME infertility and struggle; I’ve not been the nicest person all the time and I very much question religion and the existence of God.

But she’s one of the good ones. She is a SOCIAL WORKER, for fuck’s sake. She bleeds for all the kids she can’t help.

And God is a complete asshole for treating her so callously.


I had the most amazing 5 mile run last night. It was magic; the first time since running the marathon last October where I didn’t have discomfort. I was able to push my pace JUST into the uncomfortable territory, but hold it there so it didn’t get to be too much.

I finished my last mile at a pace which even 8 months ago, in the midst of marathon training, would have been hard for me to sustain. And I felt SO strong.

I swear the strength training is MAKING ME FASTER.


Lucky is going through yet another phase where he can’t be bothered to use the bathroom and goes in his underwear instead. I swear to god I am going to lose my mind.

Because seriously. He’s been potty trained for almost a year now, he’s fucking FOUR YEARS OLD, and I can count on one FINGER the weeks we’ve gone without an accident. His good weeks, we’ll string together maybe 2-3 days where his underwear is dry and we don’t have to change.

A bad week, like right now? Multiple accidents, FULL ON.

He doesn’t give a shit about being wet. He’s started to make excuses for why he’s wet, even. No, Mommy, he told me yesterday. That’s from the bubble soap I played with.

When he owns up to it? It’s because I was too busy, Mommy.


And yes, I mentioned it to his pediatrician. He got to pee in a cup to make sure that we’re not dealing with any sort of infection. But likely it’s a developmental thing which he should outgrow.

If I don’t lose my mind first.


This is a post for a day where I actually have time to write something more intelligent than bullets, but I need you to read this article.

I take issue with ANY legislation which seeks to remove or limit a person’s RIGHT – choice, to marry, freedom of belief.

So why aren’t more women talking about this? Why aren’t we ANGRY? Where are the Million Women for Reproductive Rights Facebook pages? Why is it not covered?

Do we really not CARE?

I did read an article that mentioned that most women tune out when politicians start talking about reproductive health issues.

I’m scared, really scared, by this. I’m not sure women can afford to tune out right now.



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  1. Oh Potty Training.

    What’s worked for us is leaving a potty in the living room. He’s a lot more likely to stop and go if he doesn’t really have to step away from his toys. Which means we have a potty sitting dead center in our living room, but he has dry pants basically all the time now. We’re also starting to punish for accidents that result from not trying. If he’s running to the bathroom and it slips out – that’s fine, that’s a real accident. If he’s playing with his toys and just can’t be bothered to stop and wets (though, messes is more our issue) himself his toy gets taken away.

    As I said yesterday with that article – I think a lot of women just don’t KNOW. I only find out about things when other people post them. But then … yeah, I am guilty of tuning them out fairly often. I’m filled to the brim with things I need to care about for our every day existence, and reproductive rights just plain don’t affect me anymore, so mostly I just skim on by. If I stop to think about it, a lot of things are going on that are scary and awful … but I just plain don’t have TIME or ROOM to BE angry about it.

  2. Your sister getting a BFN is horrible. I’m so sorry she is having to go through this. I’m glad she has you to talk to should she feel the need. She sounds like a wonderful person.

    Potty training? No advice here, just support for you going through it with the ‘accidents’. However, when he’s telling you it’s because of the soap? That’s a lie. He’s old enough now to start to learn and understand the difference between the truth and a lie.

    Legislation? I’m not exactly ‘plugged in’ to the political climate. I try to be informed but there is only so much time in the day. This stuff IS important. What passes in one state, another may see as a way in to get it passed in that state. Slippery slope and all that. It’s not enough to say, “somebody will stand up for that cause, I don’t have to”. I just don’t know enough to figure out how to insert my voice into the conversation.

  3. I am so pissed off for your sister. I really think infertility seems to find the best people and it is so unfair.

    My son was AWFUL at potty training. He was not totally trained until 4 1/2, and I think I did worry about him in kindergarten–but he was fine. No real advice on this one–except that it is probably a stage/phase that will go away.

    I read the article and then immediately put it on facebook. I cannot believe that in this day and age, we as women have to fight these battles over our bodies and minds AGAIN. It is so obvious that all these reproductive issues have been thrown out to distract from the real issues.

  4. Oh that sucks about the bfn. I’m so sorry.

  5. I read that HuffPo article. I find it hard to believe women tune out when these issues are discussed. Me, my ears prick up. I remember the 1960s & 1970s. Women worked too hard for change then to let it all slip away now. While I haven’t seen any marches yet (what a pity…), I do think the last few weeks have been a bit of a wake up call for women who have perhaps forgotten (or never knew about) the past and taken things a little too much for granted in recent years.

    And believe me, while I might agree with the headline of the article ; ) I am under no illusion that certain members of our current government here wouldn’t love to pull some of the same stuff if they thought they could get away with it. The more politicians in the States get away with, the more likely we’ll see something similar attempted here. Which is why I continue to pay very close attention.

  6. Sad for your sister. Does she have the same ute issues you did/do or is this just some sick little “luck of the draw” thing?
    We still struggle with the “waiting to the last minute because I just can’t miss a second of play time” but not to the extent you are. I wish I had a magical answer but sadly, I don’t.
    The article made me want to puke. And like Loribeth, I know there are some politicians up here that would LOVE to try some of that stuff. They made a mild comment pre-election about possibly re-opening the legal ab0rtion issue up here and the backlash was swift enough for them to promise they would leave it as it but still, they get that “if the US can do it then we should too!” mentality. It’s too scary NOT to pay attention.

  7. I am so so sorry for your sister. Ugh.

    I cannot wait for this fucking election year to be over so that everyone can get back to the real tasks at hand (the economy, creating jobs, education, healthcare, marriage equality) and stop all this distracting nonsense. It makes my blood BOIL with outrage (and outrage that we, as women, are not more outraged).

    I have Republican friends and Christian Republican friends and I do not understand how any of them can support this type of legislation. Those who go along with it? They are the cows and pigs. This is all smoke and mirrors (although I realize that some of these bills do gain traction) to distract from the reality that the US is on the mend, and, as such, Obama will get re-elected. The right can’t stand that so this is what they do with their ‘idle hands’ (which, I believe, really do do the devil’s work).

  8. I’m so sorry for your sister. 😦 It’s not fair, and it always seems to be the nicest, most loving people.

    Legislation… man i am so ripped up by all the legislation aiming to limit women’s rights right now. Since when did this become acceptable to slide backwards so many years? how is it in ANY way okay to limit someone else’s choices about their own body? I do not understand, and it makes me ANGRY.

  9. Caden is almost 5 and he still has damp underwear several days a week. Just a boy thing his dr says. Being wet doesn’t bother th and so they can’t be bothered to stop what they are doing. Interestingly, he doesn’t do it at school.

  10. I am so sorry for your sister. Send her hugs from the blogosphere, okay? And I’m with you about god being an asshole — if I’m wrong, and he is real, we will have words one day.

    I read the HuffPo article, and I’m a little disturbed by the extremist tone — I think the author may alienate some people (including women) by putting things so strongly (such as likening a trans-vag ultrasound to rape). The issues are TOO important to be written off as ridiculous — but when its written in a ridiculous way, that’s what is going to happen. So I agree with the message of the article, but not how it was written. Does that make sense?

    Thank you for bringing these issues to light. They are too important to ignore.

  11. I’m so sorry for your sister. But though I’m not too sure about God myself, I will say that people find strength where they can … Rebecca of the Road Less Traveled comes to mind. I’ve admired that, even though I can’t fathom it.

    And the HuffPo: I’ve been watching this unfold in horror, wondering where everyone is. And WHAT can we DO?!

    And potty training: my five year old son has been trained for quite some time, and seems to have regressed to bedwetting, and still makes it to the potty during the day just in the knick of time. I try to console myself with the knowledge that he won’t go off to college with wet underwear.

  12. Your sister sounds like she is a very strong woman. When I would get a BFN the LAST place I would go would be a bible study.

    I think Lucky is a really smart kid and wonder if he would benefit from more positive/negative reinforcement of potty rules. Dry for one week=a trip to the zoo. Wet because of laziness=no TV or movies for two days etc. Accidents do happen but you can tell when it is that versus not wanting to interrupt fun. I had to use this with one of my boys and it worked really well. No screaming (from me) just laying it out definitively because I knew he was old enough to understand.

  13. Oh that sucks about your sister. I am so sorry. It’s never fair.

    I still haven’t recovered from the fact that the Republican candidates were actually asked in a debate what their stance on birth control was. And I look nervously at some of the politicians up here. I just bet they’d love to start messing with things too.

    I hope common sense prevails.
    PS. Awesome about your run!

  14. I am so so sorry for your sister. So f’ing unfair.

  15. Awesome link; thanks for sharing. Today I got a fundraising call from P.P., and that guy was ENERGIZED!

    I’m really sorry about your sister. It must be hard to know what’s going on, and how it really feels, but also hard to relate to her because she doesn’t handle it the same way you do.

    What has worked best for me re: potty training is to let the girls run around the house without pants as much as possible. It really didn’t kick in until last month (they were 3 in February). They still wear pullups if we are going out on errands or in the car. People often cite the absorbency of modern diapers when discussing why children potty train later these days, but I think a lot of it is because our generation of moms tends to be pretty busy and on the go a lot, with more time spent in the car and more interstate travel (less safe for roadside changes/pottying).

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