Deep Thoughts. Or Not.

April 6, 2012 at 9:00 am | Posted in And I ran (I ran so far away), Battles (aka: toddlerhood), Crazy Talk (aka: Therapy) | 7 Comments

There is so much crap going on in my head that I want to dump into the computer.

I have tried, you know. I have three saved drafts right now that I’ve written over the course of the past couple of days.

All of which will stay in draft form because all I can write about is the thoughts. There’s no beginning or end or anything other than what I’m thinking.

A few tidbits?

I am trying to figure out why I am a miserable shrew of a wife to a guy who is pretty damn amazing.

I am trying to figure out why I am a miserable shrew to MYSELF.

I am trying to figure out the best way to cope with the continuing accidents and NOW a little boy who for the past two days has asked specifically not to have the juice that makes him poop.

I am trying to figure out the best race strategy to nail a half marathon in 1 hour and 58 minutes (aka: break 2 hours).

I have spent a LOT of time thinking about the above.

And I have zero answers for the first two.

But the second two, well, maybe I can tackle them in this post.

The update on the PT regression stuff, first?

In the hopes that this might be helpful for someone in the future: I have been googling “Four year boy old accidents potty training regression” for the past two weeks. It’s REALLY hard to get anything more than potty training issues when you’re FIRST potty training. Really, it’s not helpful to read about a 2.5 year old who has regressed because of a new baby at home. Not our issue.

No, Lucky has been potty trained since August last year, though now I question that definition because we’ve always had day pee accidents. We haven’t had pull ups or diapers in the house since then. He has no issues with poop OR the overnights; he sleeps in underwear and thus far has never wet his bed.

Which, I’m sure, now that I wrote this, will happen now. LOL.

We are nearly through two weeks of the Mira.lax. Last week Lucky had a day where he not only pooped three times, but also had a couple of poop accidents.

While relatively minor accidents, we thought, hey well, maybe the dosage is a little high, so last weekend we decided to ratchet back the dose from 3/4 capful to 1/2 capful, just to be sure.

No more poop accidents this week, and he’s definitely going at school, so I think it’s a good dose for him.

That said, he’s not really INTO the whole special-juice-that-makes-you-poop! anymore. Apparently this morning he specifically asked Charlie to give him juice that doesn’t make him poop.

*sigh*

Accident-wise, we’re not REALLY better off yet. Thing is, there’s a LOT of other issues that’s wrapped up into his accidents. Part of it is the whole “I’m four and don’t want to stop what I’m doing to use the bathroom” thing. Part of it is clearly a control thing, when asked if he needs to use the bathroom (either by us OR his teachers at school, mind you. Doesn’t matter), his answer is ALWAYS unequivocally no.

And honestly, I have a strong instinct a LOT of his reluctance to use the bathroom is frustration. He’s always wet, often when he doesn’t realize it. If I look at it from his viewpoint, what’s the POINT of using the potty? He’ll just have to do it again and will still be wet.

So we don’t ask him if he needs to go anymore.

Instead, we tell him that it’s time for a potty break. His compliance with that depends on the time of day. Lots more defiance at the end of the day when he’s tired. And then there’s accidents.

Not saying anything hasn’t worked really, either – he’ll just have wet pants, which means basically we tell him to use the bathroom and get a new pair.

Honestly, left to his own devices, he’d spend his days in wet pants and NEVER use the bathroom. For that reason alone there’s no way I’m even going to consider putting him in a pull up. I think, at some level, that’s what he wants right now. Would make it SO much easier, to never have to think about using the potty.

At least with the wet pants we have to force him to stop what he’s doing. Pull ups, at best, are the perfect solution for him.

And also? IF the issue of not wanting to use the potty is a result of the fact that he can’t physically control when his bladder empties? Pull ups is proof that he can’t do it and shouldn’t even try.

Part of me thinks that we need to, AGAIN, put into place an incentive program that actually WORKS. M&Ms when he goes to the bathroom and his underwear are dry to satisfy the instant gratification need. A sticker chart where, at the end of the day if he’s gone all day with dry underwear, he can put a sticker on his chart. And a promise of something really cool when he goes one week with dry underwear – a toy of some kind, or a trip to the Museum of Science, or something.

Rinse, repeat.

I hate the idea of having to bribe my kid to use the potty, especially this late in the process. But man, if it’s the only thing that works right now, it’s worth trying.

Again.

I don’t really have the words to describe how frustrated I am with this whole process.

For Lucky’s sake, after last week, I have REALLY been focused on keeping my frustration to myself, and being patient with him, and coming up with new games to incent him to use the potty (“Can you make the toilet paper sink?” “I’m going to use the potty before YOU do!” “I bet you [insert stuffed animal name here] has to use the potty. I’m going to race him!”) and not reacting to the accidents, and telling him we know he can do it, and jumping and squealing and giving him high fives and hugs when he shows us that his underwear is dry.

That’s what I’m DOING. How I feel about it, is another thing.

But I am convinced that trying the ‘fake it until I make it’ strategy will work eventually.

He WILL eventually outgrow this. Something will change. It won’t always be like this, I know.

So. Running.

Honestly, the one thing that is actually going pretty well right now is my running. I know I don’t talk about it much on this space, but the past 5 months have been really, really challenging for me. I had hoped that I could take all the fitness I gained from marathon training and use it over the winter in my runs. I have goals this year, one of which is to break 2 hours in a half marathon.

And so, it’s been hugely frustrating to deal with pain/discomfort on all my runs since I started up again in January. It’s draining, emotionally and mentally, to feel like you have to fight your body. And though my PT told me I couldn’t hurt myself MORE, it’s just so hard to go out there and push yourself to do something that’s uncomfortable.

But. It finally seems like the strength training I’m doing is really making a difference.

I actually had my first pain/discomfort free week of running two weeks ago. And I was so giddy about it that I ran REALLY hard three days in a row and didn’t really allow for recovery. Which, of course, led to some hip soreness.

But this week I saw my PT again, and we discovered that okay, my back and legs are strong now, but my hips are weak. So he gave me specific exercises for my hip weakness. And I did them, and I can say that this week I ran without ITB/hip pain, though the rest of my muscles were super sore from my workout.

The thing is, too. Strength work is making my runs FASTER. My comfortable average pace has gotten, on average, 30-45 seconds per mile faster.

And I am doing a spring running clinic right now, and my speedwork is just ridiculously fast. I never, ever, EVER thought I’d see the paces I am running for my intervals. And, I mean, it’s intervals. We haven’t done anything longer than a 1/4 mile before we get a 90 second recovery period. And I think just biologically I’m made for short bursts of speed. Fast-twitch muscles better developed and all of that.

But it’s all coming together right now, it seems.

So this half marathon I’m running a month from today? I have spent this week thinking that, you know, I might actually have a chance at finishing it in under 2 hours.

Which would be SO cool.

Tomorrow’s long run will help me see if it’s possible. The plan is for a 3 mile warmup, then 5 miles @ half marathon pace, and then a 2 mile cooldown. If I can nail it, then I’ll feel a lot more confident about my chances.

If not? Then onto Plan B.

Either way, I want to run this half where I finish with a sense of accomplishment.

Um. So that’s where I am with some things.

The other stuff? Posts for another time, I expect.

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7 Comments »

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  1. My coworker said that when she was potty training her son, her husband said to her, “Think of the stupidest person you work with. They use the bathroom, our son will get this eventually.” Not that it helps you now, but he WILL get it. Sorry it’s so frustrating.

  2. Does he make any signs showing he might have to go? We made some headway be noting he would starting cupping his groin, and told him it was the “potty sign” and when he made it, he had to go. But ultimately it was going back to rewards that did the trick, and we only had to do it a few days.

    Hang in there. He’ll get it.

  3. N. is OK in wet pants, too. She’s really tactile and likes to get wet by standing under a dripping gutter seam, putting her head under the hose, etc. Total opposite of I., who freaks out if a drop of water gets on her favorite dress (but God forbid I suggest cleaning it in the washing machine). So N. has more accidents and also doesn’t tell me if she has peed in her pull-up while we’re in the car. It’s slow going.

  4. I’m sorry you’re feeling this way … and hope that the long run helps to clear your head and your heart …

  5. I’ve followed your blog for a long time (since you were 30 weeks pregnant with “Squishy”), though I comment rarely, so I feel that in some ways I “know” you, although you don’t know me, so I hope you take this the right way.

    Probably your attitude and actions towards yourself and your husband stem from the same root cause: you don’t really like yourself, so you treat yourself badly because that’s what you feel like you deserve, and perhaps that attitude is seeping out towards others, including the one closest to you.

    You had a tough childhood, never measuring up to your parents standards, so probably didn’t think you were ever good enough, and perhaps (probably?) didn’t like yourself very much. After your cousin committed suicide, you blamed yourself for her death, since — in retrospect, you realized — she reached out to you for help and you didn’t recognize it, and this led you to like yourself even less, and to punish yourself for her death, even though it was her action that took her life, not yours. [I know a bit about this. My father died in a car wreck because he never wore a seat belt. A few weeks or months before his death, I had the opportunity to ask him to wear his seat belt for my sake, if not for his, and I kept my mouth shut, thinking it was pointless. I will always wonder if I could have saved his life with that conversation I didn’t have.] You put yourself on a track of self-flagellation, to make up for Amy’s death, to live her life as well as yours, and also to prove to yourself and your family and your professors and everybody else who didn’t believe in you, that they were wrong and you did have the ability to succeed when they thought you couldn’t. And you did. You proved them wrong. You proved that you could do what they thought you couldn’t; you *could* conquer numbers, and you *could* be meticulous enough to be an accountant. But you haven’t become happy with that. You may have gotten a lift from it now and then, but these have all been temporary fixes, while your disliking yourself (for specific temporary or permanent things — your childhood, Amy’s death, making a mistake at work) has remained more or less permanent.

    It won’t be an easy fix — it may be simple enough, but not easy — but it seems to me that what needs to happen is the reverse of what you’ve done for at least the past decade and a half, and perhaps all your life. You have been talking down to yourself, and considering yourself as not worthy — of love, of life, of happiness, of family — and focusing on things that confirm that unworthiness to yourself: you chose a career least likely to make you happy, though it provided a sense of accomplishment that you were able to conquer it, but then because you are *not* happy in your chosen path, you beat yourself up, because others have found happiness in it (rather than recognizing it as what it is — a difference in personality, which says no more about you and your intrinsic worth than my disliking mustard and coffee says anything about me and my intrinsic worth). So, rather than seeking (or at least, using) every opportunity to confirm your negative opinion of yourself, seek opportunities to confirm a positive opinion of yourself (and also of your husband).

    As the saying goes, “your thoughts become your actions, and your actions become your life”. Change your thoughts about yourself (and your husband), and you will change your actions towards yourself (and him), and your life will change. It will not be easy to change this deep-seated habit, but you *can* do it, and if you want to be happy and to treat your husband as he deserves, you *must* do it.

    Take the time every day to find something you like about yourself. While you’re getting yourself ready in the morning, see how pretty your hair looks this morning, note the sparkle in your eyes, or how your nose complements your face. Take the things you believe to be detriments, things you don’t like about yourself, and find something positive in them. You don’t like that your thighs touch… [first, may I point out that having bigger thighs is called “gynic”, meaning that it is female-like, while having skinny thighs is called “andric”, meaning male-like; and very likely, unless you go to a concentration camp or become deathly anorexic, your thighs, like mine, will *always* touch, as long as you are at a healthy weight] … instead, transform that dislike into a like, and the negative into a positive. Love your legs, because they carry you around; they allow you to run — for races or just for fun. Have stretch marks? Embrace them and love them as reminders that Lucky grew inside you, even if he stretched your skin too much or too fast. Love your Cesarean scar as a reminder that Lucky came safely into the world. Love even your bicornuate uterus for having safely gestated Squishy. As difficult, or even as impossible as it may sound, you can even be grateful for your path of infertility, as it gave you a greater and grander understanding of motherhood, and a greater determination to be a wonderful mother, and never take your child for granted.

    You may dismiss this as being revoltingly Pollyanna-ish, but I think that it is the way of happiness. As you spend more time being intentionally positive, you will have less and less time to be accidentally or habitually negative. As you change your thoughts, you change your habits, your actions, and your life.

  6. I can relate to this post a lot: potty training was one of the single hardest things I’ve ever done. In the end, after all the naked weekends, star charts, candy, Toy Story toy bribery, wearing only underwear at school, etc, it just clicked when we least expected it (and much later than we would have liked). Hang in there…

  7. Wow. Back at the clinic again. I have missed a few things. Good luck with your decision.

    Your running talk is starting to get very technical for me! I’m impressed. Mr Bea has decided he wants to do the Angkor half this year, just in case cutting back your hours and possibly doing more ivf sounds like a good year for an international holiday… Pretty much local for us of course. See you there? 😉

    Anyway, the potty training seems frustrating. I’m just going to echo your “it won’t be forever” thoughts, because I don’t have anything to add.

    Bea


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