Up and Down…May 7, 2012 at 5:16 pm | Posted in And I ran (I ran so far away), Heartbreak, IVF #6: Quiet Hope | 4 Comments
Man, what an up and down weekend.
I didn’t know how hard it would be to let my cat go. I feel his absence strongly when I’m home. I keep looking for him, wondering where he is, then I remember, Oh, right.
Last night I waited for him to jump up on the bed and nestle into my legs.
I told Charlie Brown on Saturday that he had to get rid of the litterboxes and food, mostly so that I wouldn’t run out and get a kitten because, well, we had everything we needed. I wanted to DO something to fill in the hole in my heart.
It was the right decision, though. When I found the picture of him that I put in my previous post, I almost couldn’t believe how HEALTHY he looked in that picture.
At the end, his coat was matted and dull and he was skin and bones.
He was so, so sick.
I did right by him. But wow, it hurt a lot.
This weekend was also the weekend of my half marathon in Vermont. Which I ran, unofficially, in 1:59:06.
If you’re so inclined, I posted on my other blog about it. Feel free to email me for the link if you want to read.
It was the culmination of a LONG recovery from being injured after my marathon. Seriously, it’s been more than 6 months of tendonitis, strengthwork, trying to run, backsliding, etc.
That I ran that course in under two hours makes me feel super, super proud of myself.
And honestly, we’re going to cycle next month. To have a PR before that happens is HUGE for me. Because it gives me a fallback if it doesn’t work. Because, well, hey, I can attempt a 1:55 half on a flat course in the fall at the SAME fitness level I’m at now, or maybe even a 1:45 if I focus on the basic building blocks of strengthwork during the cycle.
I discovered yesterday that I am capable of an even faster half marathon, right NOW, on a flatter course. That is something, for sure.
In cycling news, I got the call on Friday from New Clinic that insurance had approved our cycle. Haven’t yet heard from the nurse about ordering meds or anything but I’m sure that’ll happen soon. Not that I’m in a rush – we probably wouldn’t start the BCPs until the end of May when AF is due again.
I still am a little mystified when I think about the difference in how I feel, emotionally, when I consider a cycle. Always before now I’ve been either obsessed with the details of my protocol, researching the hell out of things, chomping at the bit to get started… or completely angry and depressed we even NEED to cycle with feelings of hopelessness.
I don’t think I’ve ever approached a cycle with such tempered hope. I have a plan if it doesn’t work – maybe a dog this fall, some more races, the final okay, we’ll move on. It’ll really suck if it doesn’t work, I know it. It’ll hurt and make me angry and sad. But it won’t kill me.
If it DOES work, well, then I’ll be pregnant, and maybe I’ll have a chance to complete the family I’ve wanted for so long.
This feeling might just be part of the holding pattern we’re in right now, and it’ll disappate the moment I take that first shot. But I have to say, it’s SO nice not to be prisoner to my emotions.
Long may it continue.