Up and Down…

May 7, 2012 at 5:16 pm | Posted in And I ran (I ran so far away), Heartbreak, IVF #6: Quiet Hope | 4 Comments

Man, what an up and down weekend.

I didn’t know how hard it would be to let my cat go. I feel his absence strongly when I’m home. I keep looking for him, wondering where he is, then I remember, Oh, right.

Last night I waited for him to jump up on the bed and nestle into my legs.

I told Charlie Brown on Saturday that he had to get rid of the litterboxes and food, mostly so that I wouldn’t run out and get a kitten because, well, we had everything we needed. I wanted to DO something to fill in the hole in my heart.

It was the right decision, though. When I found the picture of him that I put in my previous post, I almost couldn’t believe how HEALTHY he looked in that picture.

At the end, his coat was matted and dull and he was skin and bones.

He was so, so sick.

I did right by him. But wow, it hurt a lot.


This weekend was also the weekend of my half marathon in Vermont. Which I ran, unofficially, in 1:59:06.

If you’re so inclined, I posted on my other blog about it. Feel free to email me for the link if you want to read.

It was the culmination of a LONG recovery from being injured after my marathon. Seriously, it’s been more than 6 months of tendonitis, strengthwork, trying to run, backsliding, etc.

That I ran that course in under two hours makes me feel super, super proud of myself.

And honestly, we’re going to cycle next month. To have a PR before that happens is HUGE for me. Because it gives me a fallback if it doesn’t work. Because, well, hey, I can attempt a 1:55 half on a flat course in the fall at the SAME fitness level I’m at now, or maybe even a 1:45 if I focus on the basic building blocks of strengthwork during the cycle.

I discovered yesterday that I am capable of an even faster half marathon, right NOW, on a flatter course. That is something, for sure.

In cycling news, I got the call on Friday from New Clinic that insurance had approved our cycle. Haven’t yet heard from the nurse about ordering meds or anything but I’m sure that’ll happen soon. Not that I’m in a rush – we probably wouldn’t start the BCPs until the end of May when AF is due again.

I still am a little mystified when I think about the difference in how I feel, emotionally, when I consider a cycle. Always before now I’ve been either obsessed with the details of my protocol, researching the hell out of things, chomping at the bit to get started… or completely angry and depressed we even NEED to cycle with feelings of hopelessness.

I don’t think I’ve ever approached a cycle with such tempered hope. I have a plan if it doesn’t work – maybe a dog this fall, some more races, the final okay, we’ll move on. It’ll really suck if it doesn’t work, I know it. It’ll hurt and make me angry and sad. But it won’t kill me.

If it DOES work, well, then I’ll be pregnant, and maybe I’ll have a chance to complete the family I’ve wanted for so long.

This feeling might just be part of the holding pattern we’re in right now, and it’ll disappate the moment I take that first shot. But I have to say, it’s SO nice not to be prisoner to my emotions.

Long may it continue.



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  1. I’m sorry I never commented on the post about your cat. I meant to. Honestly, when I read it, I was instantly back in the room with my parents when we put our 16 year old American Eskimo down. It was the only time I’ve ever seen my dad sob. It was heartbreaking. And we were in the room until he wasn’t with us anymore, and it was so, so hard. And now I’m crying again, remembering it, and it happened so many years ago. It’s so hard to lose a pet. I’m so sorry for your loss.

    As for your half marathon, what an amazing time! Congrats! That is quite an accomplishment. You should be very proud.

    I hope this cycle has a happy outcome for you. I’m very impressed with your mind state right now. I hope you can maintain it as your cycle gets closer.

    Abiding with you.

  2. What an emotional weekend! Proud of your run–great work! Hoping for your great luck for your cycle.

  3. That is an awful lot of stuff for one weekend. So sorry about your cat, but it sounds like you’ve got a lot of good stuff going on too. And when I read that line, “if it does work, then I’ll be pregnant”… I don’t think you’ve said anything like that in a long time. I’m so glad you’re feeling that way, actually believing that it might work, but also balancing it with plans for if it doesn’t. Dogs and races are both good.

  4. Congrats on the half-marathon. That is a HUGE accomplishment.

    I’m glad you didn’t get a kitten right away. Puck deserves the grief and the time to process your mourning.

    Good luck with the cycle. I’ll be reading along and holding some hope for you for the days when you can’t hold it yourself.


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