Six Years.

May 14, 2012 at 12:19 pm | Posted in milestones, My life, The Community | 12 Comments

My first post on a blog was on August 17, 2005. I wrote a couple of posts, most of them to do with trying for a baby.

But I abandoned blogging when our IF shit got real, and didn’t really start it up again until April 2006, when I was waiting to see if my “positive” from our IVF cycle turned into anything. It was then when I started blogging for real – made it my outlet and connected with others dealing with IF.

So really, April 2006 was my official start of blogging date. Which makes April 2012 my SIXTH year blogging.

I totally MISSED it, too, if it weren’t for another amazing blogger’s anniversary last week too. Which reminded me.

Hey, *my* blog is 6 years old! And even better, according to wordpress, this will be my 1,340th post.

Holy crap that’s alotta writing.

So much has changed since those early days of writing. My circumstances, my feelings, my emotional maturity (hey, since I started therapy I no longer consider myself emotionally stunted! Progress!), my town, my career, my readers, my commenters… hell, even my cat isn’t here anymore.

Our infertility, where before was an obsession, a source of anger, depression, pain, hell… has become a part of me.

I still have moments, yes, where I mourn what it’s taken from me.

But I also have moments where I am thankful for it, too.

Because of our infertility, I reconnected with the writer buried deep inside me.

The circumstances of our infertility led me to women who have become my best friends in my real life, women who I depend on.

Because of our infertility, I have learned how to savor my son a lot more than I might have otherwise. I don’t know this for certain, of course, I might have been like this if we conceived without trouble, but what I know is that the ache I felt when I was trying for him feels a LOT like the ache of love I feel for him at many moments during many days.

I do know that I spent a lot of time time thinking about how very lucky we are to have him here in our life.

Because of our infertility I was brave enough to seek out a therapist, who is helping me figure out that there are so many patterns of my behavior which is keeping me from real, true, lasting happiness. She is helping me learn to love myself.

The circumstances of our infertility led me to running as a coping mechanism, of which I have found a real desire and passion.

Our infertility gave me empathy for others; that radar that prickles whenever I have a conversation with someone, like the conversation I had with a daycare mom friend this weekend. She told me she was almost okay with being done with babies. I knew there was more… just felt an undercurrent there. (Turns out? She had a miscarriage, and still grieves for the baby that wasn’t.)

I’ve always TRIED to believe the old mantra: you shouldn’t waste energy regretting the decisions you made; those decisions are the ones that led you to the place you are now.

And that there’s ALWAYS a silver lining, a ray of light in an otherwise dark place. Which may not make the dark go away, but gives you something to hold onto, until you start seeing them all over the place.

It’s taken me five years. A looonng hard five years.

But you know something?

I wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for everything that’s happened before today.

It’s a funny kind of lucky. But it is what it is.

So. Thank you so much, all of you, my readers, for being here. For abiding with me through my dark times, for helping me celebrating the good times, for the advice, the love, the empathy, the happiness. Everything.

I adore you all. And I can’t wait to see what the future brings.

For my blogaversary present, I’m going to steal Lori Lavender Luz’s idea and ask you to give me something as a present.

What’s your funny kind of lucky?

Advertisements

12 Comments »

RSS feed for comments on this post. TrackBack URI

  1. I’m sorry that my mood doesn’t lend itself to conjuring my funny kind of lucky, but I did want to stop by to congratulate you on this blogging milestone and for all the personal milestones you’ve achieved along the way.

  2. Congratulations on six years!!

    I would have to say my marriage and infertility journey have both blessed me beyond measure but only because of the dark places…the ones that molded me and changed me. It didn’t feel lucky during those times, not one bit. Only looking back and seeing where I came from and it gives me so much hope for my future.

  3. Happy six years of blogging! And 1,300+ posts! That is amazing! You are very prolific. You should be very proud.

    As for my funny kind of lucky, I would say that my struggles and loss have taught me a lot about myself, showed me that I’m stronger than I could ever imagine. They have given me tools that help me to fear uncertainty and the unknown less and make me more grateful for what I have. Oh, they have also introduced me to my writerly self and reintroduced me to the passion I feel for writing. For that I must thank the dark times with all my heart, that has truly been an amazing gift.

    I also wanted to mention that I really liked you comment on Mel’s post today. I could have written that myself; I understood exactly what oi were talking about.

    Hugs.

  4. My funny lucky is … maybe predictably .. that my kid doesn’t eat. I learned so much .. about myself, about kids, about food, nutrition, hunger, friendship, marriage. Totally changed me, and I can’t be sorry about it.

  5. My funny kind of lucky? That I’m being forced to look at my whole outlook on racing and training differently thanks to a herniated disc. Serioulsy, just like your ITB stuff it CHANGED the way I view things. More holistic, more overall and better for me in the long run.

  6. 6 years is awesome, but 1300+ posts is even more awesome, because I had my fourth blogoversary in March, and I still don’t think I’ve cracked 350. Congrats! I’ve loved reading you over the years, and am so happy you’ve stayed in this space.

    My funny kind of lucky is my IF too, because without it I would never had ended up with the PhD dissertation topic that I did.

    xoxo
    T.

  7. Yay for 6 years! Frankly, you and a few others were my funny kind of lucky–because your blog was one of the first I found when I needed the push, the comfort the information. When I was overwhelmed and had no flipping clue how to go about this whole fertility treatments thing (what the hell am I getting myself into!?). There were the blogs and yours was open and honest (and local–although we have never met–it made me feel like I was not all by myself). So, yeah–not only am I glad you blog–I am Thankful. 🙂

  8. Happy blogoversary! I agree with you about how sorrow makes us dig deep to that writer inside us. The reasons may stink but the finding ouselves and the ensuing connections are beautiful things.

    My funny lucky story is that my daughter’s birth mom didn’t pick us fist to be parents for her baby. She chose, instead, a couple that we knew from Adoption School. But Luckily, they had a trip planned at the time the baby was due (just a few weeks in the future) and they declined, not quite ready. And Luckily, their profile blew off the roof of Crystal’s car and she took it as a sign that she should go for Plan B.

    Meet Mrs Plan B.

  9. I can’t think of any funny kind of lucky. Sorry! It’s not that I’m so pissed about infertility (I’m feeling kind of resigned about it lately), but I can’t think of any good it’s brought me. I guess I’ve had lots of funny kinds of lucky in work, though. Like having a boss who was emotionally abusive but who I learned so much from and who made me better at my work, or getting laid off from a job where I was unhappy and then finding my current job that is so much better!
    But anyway, that is a lot of blogging! I don’t remember exactly how I found you, but I’m glad I have (you are still the only blogger I’ve met in person – none of my other readers are local).

  10. Happy blogiversary!!! I’m not sure I have a funny kind of lucky. I’ve never been particularly lucky, with the exception of hitting the “IVF jackpot” with my b/g twins who are now 6. But maybe my funny kind of lucky is that right now when it feels like my real friends have left me hanging I’ve found there are others out there supporting me through this time in my life. ❤ Like you.

  11. My funny lucky is the aftermath of my divorce. It was awful to go through, but I am in such a wonderful place because of all I had to let go, sometimes catch my breath with the joy I’m overwhelmed with. Happy Blogiversary!

  12. Happy anniversary! My funny kind of lucky is that through this paste decade of debilitating health problems, I’ve learned how strong I am & the great (albeit sparse) people I can count on when I’m at my lowest point.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Blog at WordPress.com.
Entries and comments feeds.

%d bloggers like this: