Six Years.May 14, 2012 at 12:19 pm | Posted in milestones, My life, The Community | 12 Comments
My first post on a blog was on August 17, 2005. I wrote a couple of posts, most of them to do with trying for a baby.
But I abandoned blogging when our IF shit got real, and didn’t really start it up again until April 2006, when I was waiting to see if my “positive” from our IVF cycle turned into anything. It was then when I started blogging for real – made it my outlet and connected with others dealing with IF.
So really, April 2006 was my official start of blogging date. Which makes April 2012 my SIXTH year blogging.
I totally MISSED it, too, if it weren’t for another amazing blogger’s anniversary last week too. Which reminded me.
Hey, *my* blog is 6 years old! And even better, according to wordpress, this will be my 1,340th post.
Holy crap that’s alotta writing.
So much has changed since those early days of writing. My circumstances, my feelings, my emotional maturity (hey, since I started therapy I no longer consider myself emotionally stunted! Progress!), my town, my career, my readers, my commenters… hell, even my cat isn’t here anymore.
Our infertility, where before was an obsession, a source of anger, depression, pain, hell… has become a part of me.
I still have moments, yes, where I mourn what it’s taken from me.
But I also have moments where I am thankful for it, too.
Because of our infertility, I reconnected with the writer buried deep inside me.
The circumstances of our infertility led me to women who have become my best friends in my real life, women who I depend on.
Because of our infertility, I have learned how to savor my son a lot more than I might have otherwise. I don’t know this for certain, of course, I might have been like this if we conceived without trouble, but what I know is that the ache I felt when I was trying for him feels a LOT like the ache of love I feel for him at many moments during many days.
I do know that I spent a lot of time time thinking about how very lucky we are to have him here in our life.
Because of our infertility I was brave enough to seek out a therapist, who is helping me figure out that there are so many patterns of my behavior which is keeping me from real, true, lasting happiness. She is helping me learn to love myself.
The circumstances of our infertility led me to running as a coping mechanism, of which I have found a real desire and passion.
Our infertility gave me empathy for others; that radar that prickles whenever I have a conversation with someone, like the conversation I had with a daycare mom friend this weekend. She told me she was almost okay with being done with babies. I knew there was more… just felt an undercurrent there. (Turns out? She had a miscarriage, and still grieves for the baby that wasn’t.)
I’ve always TRIED to believe the old mantra: you shouldn’t waste energy regretting the decisions you made; those decisions are the ones that led you to the place you are now.
And that there’s ALWAYS a silver lining, a ray of light in an otherwise dark place. Which may not make the dark go away, but gives you something to hold onto, until you start seeing them all over the place.
It’s taken me five years. A looonng hard five years.
But you know something?
I wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for everything that’s happened before today.
It’s a funny kind of lucky. But it is what it is.
So. Thank you so much, all of you, my readers, for being here. For abiding with me through my dark times, for helping me celebrating the good times, for the advice, the love, the empathy, the happiness. Everything.
I adore you all. And I can’t wait to see what the future brings.
For my blogaversary present, I’m going to steal Lori Lavender Luz’s idea and ask you to give me something as a present.
What’s your funny kind of lucky?