Process(ing).May 21, 2012 at 8:00 am | Posted in Cheese with that whine? (aka rants), Crazy Talk (aka: Therapy), IVF #6: Quiet Hope | 7 Comments
I sent an email to my SIL Thursday morning, asking if she would loan her doppler to my BFF J. J has been having DBTs, and I thought, well, it’s not like my SIL is using hers right now.
She is actually using her doppler.
I was completely blindsided when she emailed Charlie and I and told us.
And so very angry.
Besides my circle of best girlfriends and my sister, my SIL is the only other person IRL that knows we are going to do another cycle. She’s known how awful the trying has been the second time around for us. She’s taken Lucky overnight twice so we could do retrievals.
And I suppose I thought there was a tacit agreement between us that she’d warn us if she was going to try for a third child.
I sat with the anger for a day. I let myself feel it. I didn’t try talking myself out of it.
And then I realized some things.
First? I never actually told her, out loud, that it would make things easier on me if I knew she was considering another child. I just assumed she’d know that.
Not only that, but she had three losses between my nephew and niece. I remember her telling me towards the end of her pregnancy with my niece that she STILL caveated all of her discussions about a new baby with “if the baby doesn’t die.”
And my SIL is intensely private when it comes to her pain and grief – she’s not like me. For all of her three D&Es, she basically pretended it didn’t happen, and only talked about it much, much later.
So for her, being pregnant right now is an emotional minefield. And maybe she’s coping by pretending it isn’t happening, or thinking it’s not going to work out.
Either way? She’s trying to survive it. Just like I’m trying to survive.
And honestly, who am I to ask her to talk about something which is hard for her so that it’s easier on me? It’s really none of my business.
It’s so EASY to be angry at people for being lucky. I mean, really, it was my first reaction.
I think of her house, the chaos, the times where my niece stands at the door and calls her brother’s name, until he says, Hi! The pictures she posts on Facebook of when my nephew ‘reading’ books to her (her favorite thing). Seeing Lucky decide to share his Bear with her, because she really likes my lovey, Mommy.
It chokes me sometimes, the ache for another child.
And it’s so easy to blame other people. To get angry with them for not giving me a heads up that they might want to expand their family. To be angry that they get to decide, hey, let’s try for another, and they manage to fall pregnant.
That’s not how it works for us.
Or has up until this point, anyway.
Because, you know. The cycle could work, and I might actually get to be pregnant with my SIL and my best friend and a whole host of other people I know that seem to be pregnant right now.
I started seeing an acupuncturist again, one who specializes in fertility-related issues. Who has 11 year old twins from IVF. Who was excited to tell me that she’s four for four pregnancies this year!
I saw her for the first time on Friday morning. And of course, she asked about my digestion, my sleep. And then my stress levels. Before I could respond, she said, Well, of course there’s stress associated with treatments. I’ve lived that stress.
I thought about it for a minute before responding. Really thought. My SIL is pregnant. My best friend is pregnant. I put my cat to sleep a couple weeks ago. I think this might be our last cycle (though clearly I’m never good at predicting those, so take that with a grain of salt, yeah?). I’m still not convinced that I like my career enough to really work at it when the consulting engagements get hard to find.
Yet somehow, I’m OKAY.
Not talking-myself-into-okay, where I tell myself that I have it good, because really there is so much suffering out there and I really kind of have it good.
Not pretend-okay, where I play the “fake it until you make it” game so that people don’t really see how much I hurt.
Not the ‘hey look! a marathon!’ okay either, where I put all my focus into Something Else.
This okay is the kind where I acknowledge my feelings. It hurts when someone tells me about pregnancy. I’m angry at infertility. I want the cycle to work.
I want another child. Very much so.
But I have no control over outcome. It’s not my fault we aren’t pregnant yet, and it’s not anyone else’s fault that they ARE pregnant. It just IS.
And I have feelings about it.
But feelings, thankfully, come and go.
I think I’ve found that mythical place called acceptance. That place where people talk about and I always thought, must be nice to be there.
I’m finally here.