It’s Hard, Too.

May 22, 2012 at 8:09 am | Posted in IVF #6: Quiet Hope | 9 Comments


The thing about acceptance, I’m learning?

Doesn’t mean I’m not affected by things.

I often wonder if there’s only so much Pregnant to go around. That with everyone else taking it all, there won’t be any left for me.

And mornings like this, after I’ve dreamed about babies (who were not mine, of course) all night… well, it’s hard, too.

It’s hard.

The understatement of the year.

On Sunday, after running a 5 mile race with Charlie’s future cousin-in-law, she mentioned to me that they had been trying for a baby for the past 5 months and it didn’t seem to be working.

I, of course, emailed her Sunday night and told her I understood, that it had taken a long time and a lot of doctors to get pregnant with Lucky.

We’ve been going back and forth since. She revealed to me that she’s really struggling because she’s impatient… and to this point has never been in a situation where a little hard work hasn’t given her the outcome she wants.

She, of course, is heading to an OB/GYN for testing today. Which truthfully, I told her, was a really good thing – better to know what she’s working with ahead of time so they can formulate a plan.

But I had forgotten how all-encompassing it is at that point of trying. The questions. The wanting to KNOW what’s going to work, the trying to figure out a plan. The obsessing over others being pregnant, the wondering about pre-seed, when EXACTLY was the ovulation date and how often should they try before and after ovulation? What would WORK?

I was that person once. I remember it. I remember the Death March Sex, trying to time it perfectly, temping to see if I ovulated, the obsessing over a couple of temperature glitches, and I got up to pee at 3am, did that make a difference?

And the questions. What was wrong? I spotted before AF, did that MEAN anything? Why were we young and healthy and not getting pregnant?

I remember that person. I’m just really far away from her nowadays.

I got my meds for this cycle last week – ironically the very same day that my SIL emailed us about her pregnancy.

I felt like a newbie when I went through the box. So much medication – a little overwhelming.

I have BCPs, of course, which I am to start next week when I get AF.

I have three different kinds of stim medications – FSH, which I’ve used, Repronex, which I have heard of but never used, and Cetrotide, which I had never heard of until I googled it. My understanding is that the FSH will develop my follicles, the Cetrotide will keep me from ovulating them before I’m triggered, similar to Lupron, except it’s LH. I believe Repronex will help mature the follicles, so I expect I’ll be adding that closer to retrieval.

They also sent me oral Estrace, which I’m not sure when I’ll start taking, but I expect it’s to help develop my lining. (Maybe?)

My HcG shot this time is intramuscular, so it’ll be the first time that Charlie will get to give me an injection.

I also have doxycycline and some form of prednisone which I know I’ll take nearer to transfer. I like that this clinic does this with assisted hatching; we did this at Old Clinic when I got pregnant with Lucky in our IVF cycle. It’s the only part of a cycle we did NOT replicate when we tried again, either. It’s the thing which seems to give me the most hope.

And for progesterone, I’ll be using crinone this time. Which I hate – the side effect of it is this nasty paperish discharge, and when I lost that pregnancy back in November 2010, it’s what I remember most before I started bleeding. But it was either that or PIO, and I really don’t want to do PIO.

I also know that they’ll call me with detailed instructions when we get underway, so what I know, or think, or don’t know will be answered whenever I talk with my nurse.

I really do feel like I am in a hugely better place than, quite honestly, I’ve ever been when it comes to treatments.

If there’s a mind-body connection that might in some way help a cycle work, I can say with some measure of certainty that I’m in a pretty good place. I’ve spent a lot of time in the past year working on removing barriers that might have stood in the way. And at the very least, I’m a whole lot less angry about the whole process.

Which is huge.

But. Today the idea of doing this all again just feels impossibly hard.


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    My online birth club is full of women debating when to try again for #2, and those are the conversations where I feel I have literally nothing in common with them, because, for us, “trying again” involves calling up the clinic and defrosting snowbabies. The idea that people get pregnant just from having sex still boggles my mind.

    I cried before giving myself the first injection for the IVF cycle that brought us our E., because that time I knew what I was getting myself in for. It is hard. It is so hard. And it is extra hard because even when you are in a better place, you also know that that STILL doesn’t guarantee you a baby, which is just so unfair.

    Hugs. I’ll be here, reading and waiting and hoping.

  2. Oh S, I’m TTC right now and it feels impossibly hard. I can’t even imagine how difficult it would feel it I had a huge box of meds to stare down. I’m so sorry.

    And I totally feel you on the not enough pregnancy to go around because man oh man, a LOT of people are pregnant right now. It’s crazy. Anyway, just commiserating I guess. Sending strength your way. You can do this.

  3. You know, it’s ok to be in a place of acceptance and still have things be hard. Because it’s not a switch that shuts off, and especially because you’re still in the trenches there are a ton of triggers for you. We forget that emotions can coexist, even seemingly contradictory emotions. It’s like that saying, “there’s a thin line between love and hate.” Sometimes I think in ttc there’s no line between “i’ve got this all under control” and “omg I’m going to lose my sh*t”.

    The good thing about writing about it is that there are people out here ready to hold you up when you’re about to lose it, and we get that acceptance doesn’t always mean “being ok.” ❤

  4. Oh, there are so many things in here to respond to, I’m not sure where to start. But if there were only so much pregnant to go around, we wouldn’t always be seeing pregnant women everywhere we go, would we? I mean, sometimes I think that if everyone I know is pregnant this year, then next year they’ll all be done and I won’t have to see them. But nope, the next year there’s more pregnant all around me. It just keeps multiplying! So no worries about that. 😉

    And also, I think there is definitely a mind/body connection about fertility (the Domar Center was doing a study on it when I was pregnant with J). I know when people say “maybe if you just relax…” they are ignoring the fact that there may be other real medical issues, but I do think being calm helps. I’m glad you’re feeling better about where you are.

  5. Hang in there. I remember all these feelings just reading everything you wrote. “Feeling like there’s not enough pregnant to go around.” Hmmm… I so have felt that before.

    Good luck on the upcoming cycle. BTW, if you have no choice but to give yourself an intramuscular shot, it is possible. You just need to sit down, lift your butt and twist your body to get the right spot. You can ask your doctor if you have to. I was SOL with DH traveling, BF out of town and DD not old enough yet to want her to try when I had to do my PIO shots when I was pregnant with the twins. I got through them thank goodness, but those shots are awful! It was a love/hate relationship.

  6. Yes, a fresh cycle is overwhelming, for sure (hell, an FET has been, too). FWIW, I used cetrotide in all my OE IVFs but two (my first cycle was lupron and in one other cycle we used ganirelix instead of cetrotide.

    For all of my OE IVFs we used Endometrin (except with my cycle with my son where we ended up adding PIO to the Endometrin). This FET I am using crinone for the first time + PIO. Although I like the ease of the once/day crinone, the papery discharge SUCKS. Mine has looked like crushed up oreos and it is just gross. And, it seems to back up and need to be cleaned out from time to time (sorry, TMI).

    And, yes, the oral estrace is to build lining. With my last FET we did that + vivelle patches but this cycle we did estrace + delestrogen injections every 3 days. I don’t think you have a lining issue so you should be good.

    Beyond on this, I just want to wish you peace of mind, heart, and spirit. This IS hard, no two ways about it, but knowing that is somewhat freeing to accept it for what it is…a means to an end.

    Can’t wait to cheer you on.

  7. It is hard, for sure. You seem to be approaching it well, and I hope that continues through the entire process. As always, we’re with you each step of the way. I hope you get to cross that ultimate finish line this time. 🙂

  8. My 2 cents re. PIO – it’s really not that bad. Like anything, you get used to it. And I truly think it might have been what made a difference for me – not just getting pregnant, but staying pregnant. Good luck with this cycle and thanks for sharing, it has been a pleasure reading your journey.

  9. I want nothing more than for this to work for you.

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