The Waiting Game.May 31, 2012 at 8:58 am | Posted in IVF #6: Quiet Hope, Moving On. | 7 Comments
It wasn’t my intention to be all sobby about not wanting to do another cycle and then not post again.
I’ve been around. Just don’t have a lot of blogging mojo right now. I spend a lot of time, it seems, turning over posts in my head, trying to figure out something to post about.
I never really come up with anything. Because there’s not much to report.
Just waiting. Right now it’s for AF, who I am pretty certain is due at any moment but seems to want to play tricks on me. One of those cycles where I’m not exactly certain when and if I ovulated so I could be a couple days off in my calculations.
And usually it’s no big deal, except I feel kind of antsy with dread.
The past week or so I’ve felt stuck in that moment at the top of the rollercoaster, where I’m looking down at the huge expanse of drop in front of me, just WAITING for the plunge.
Cycling IS a rollercoaster, and I’m hoping to just ride it out.
But right now I just want to move, to get started. I crave action, even as much as I am dreading the whole process.
I never do well with waiting. Inaction puts me too much into my head, and I think too much.
So in the meantime, I’ve been trying to keep busy. With work, which is actually really busy right now. And, quite honestly, work sucks as much as it did when I was working full time; I’m starting to think it’s the career versus the hours, but it’s hard to tell. Really I want a vacation from accounting; I’m longing to take a couple of weeks off where I don’t need to think about numbers and complicated transactions and figuring out if we’re reporting the numbers the correct way.
Except that I need to renew my CPA license, which means that I need to do some continuing professional education credits. So. Yeah. MORE time spent on accounting. Whee!
I’m hoping to take some time off around the time of retrieval/transfer, but we’ll see, what with client deadlines that slip and all. I’m currently scheduled to be there through the end of the month, and my next engagement isn’t until the end of July. But you can never really tell about whether or not things will work out that way, so I’m trying to be flexible.
The one thing that is pretty awesome right now? I’m listening to the Hunger Games trilogy – am on the second book now – on my commutes in and out of Boston daily, and I’m completely sucked in. I should have known I’d love it – one of my very favorite classes in college was a utopian/dystopian comparative literature class.
And in a way, it’s nice to hear someone reading it; if I had the hardcopy books, I’d have devoured them all by now. Listening to it for only two or three hours a day forces me to slow down and savor it a bit more.
Oh and Lucky is pretty awesome right now, too. I’m totally digging our conversations lately, which generally start with, Mommy, what happens if…
I never know what he’s going to ask. Sometimes it’s a tough question, like the day he asked what would happen if a fallen-down tree fell on his Daddy’s car and killed him. (He’s processing through Puck’s death, I think – trying to grasp the idea that death is permanent. Hard concept, even for ME. I feel for you, kid.)
But he’s just as often likely to ask something completely farfetched, too, like the day he asked me what would happen if he built a submarine that would blast off into space – could it reach Jupiter?
Jupiter, it seems, is his FAVORITE planet.
He’s obsessed with words right now, too, always asking me to read to him, asking what words say in the store, on road signs, in the bathroom. Mommy, what does THAT say? At night during story time, he insists on pointing to the words on the page and having me read them as he follows along. It makes for a slow and not-as-exciting story sometime, but I love that he wants to do it.
He also has taken to asking us, Who here likes [insert something here]? Raise your hand if you do! and then counting our raised hands.
I try and imagine what he’d be like as a brother to a sibling. He’s pretty good with my niece, offering her toys that she’d like and warning us when she plays with something she shouldn’t be, or climbs the stairs on her own, or climbs up onto the kitchen table. (My niece, apparently, is a climber.)
He seems the sort of kid who would look after a little sister or brother.
And this is where the antsy creeps in.
And the tired.
And maybe some of the bitter, too.
I just want to KNOW WHAT HAPPENS. I’m tired of the uncertainty of wondering what our family will look like. I’m tired of wondering if I’ll be pregnant in the near future, or if I should just let it go and go on living the life I have in the here and now. Move On, file away the dream of bringing home another child. Take that energy, and money, and mind space and fill it with other things. Maybe a dog. Brainstorm a new career. Travel. A vacation house.
Always now, just before a cycle, this is what gets me. The feeling of TIRED. Resignation. I know what’s in store for me. The meds, the monitoring, the retrieval, the transfer, the waiting.
I just want to know what the ultimate outcome of this whole trying for another will BE. Will it work? If it doesn’t, then what?
I want someone to tell me, Don’t bother trying again, Serenity. You’ll only be blessed with one child. And he’s great.
But, apparently, no one has a crystal ball.
And I’ll be okay either way, I know this. These feelings haven’t unseated that knowledge.
All I can do is just wait it out.