The Waiting Game.

May 31, 2012 at 8:58 am | Posted in IVF #6: Quiet Hope, Moving On. | 7 Comments

It wasn’t my intention to be all sobby about not wanting to do another cycle and then not post again.

I’ve been around. Just don’t have a lot of blogging mojo right now. I spend a lot of time, it seems, turning over posts in my head, trying to figure out something to post about.

I never really come up with anything. Because there’s not much to report.

Just waiting. Right now it’s for AF, who I am pretty certain is due at any moment but seems to want to play tricks on me. One of those cycles where I’m not exactly certain when and if I ovulated so I could be a couple days off in my calculations.

And usually it’s no big deal, except I feel kind of antsy with dread.

The past week or so I’ve felt stuck in that moment at the top of the rollercoaster, where I’m looking down at the huge expanse of drop in front of me, just WAITING for the plunge.

Cycling IS a rollercoaster, and I’m hoping to just ride it out.

But right now I just want to move, to get started. I crave action, even as much as I am dreading the whole process.

I never do well with waiting. Inaction puts me too much into my head, and I think too much.

So in the meantime, I’ve been trying to keep busy. With work, which is actually really busy right now. And, quite honestly, work sucks as much as it did when I was working full time; I’m starting to think it’s the career versus the hours, but it’s hard to tell. Really I want a vacation from accounting; I’m longing to take a couple of weeks off where I don’t need to think about numbers and complicated transactions and figuring out if we’re reporting the numbers the correct way.

Except that I need to renew my CPA license, which means that I need to do some continuing professional education credits. So. Yeah. MORE time spent on accounting. Whee!

I’m hoping to take some time off around the time of retrieval/transfer, but we’ll see, what with client deadlines that slip and all. I’m currently scheduled to be there through the end of the month, and my next engagement isn’t until the end of July. But you can never really tell about whether or not things will work out that way, so I’m trying to be flexible.

The one thing that is pretty awesome right now? I’m listening to the Hunger Games trilogy – am on the second book now – on my commutes in and out of Boston daily, and I’m completely sucked in. I should have known I’d love it – one of my very favorite classes in college was a utopian/dystopian comparative literature class.

And in a way, it’s nice to hear someone reading it; if I had the hardcopy books, I’d have devoured them all by now. Listening to it for only two or three hours a day forces me to slow down and savor it a bit more.

Oh and Lucky is pretty awesome right now, too. I’m totally digging our conversations lately, which generally start with, Mommy, what happens if…

I never know what he’s going to ask. Sometimes it’s a tough question, like the day he asked what would happen if a fallen-down tree fell on his Daddy’s car and killed him. (He’s processing through Puck’s death, I think – trying to grasp the idea that death is permanent. Hard concept, even for ME. I feel for you, kid.)

But he’s just as often likely to ask something completely farfetched, too, like the day he asked me what would happen if he built a submarine that would blast off into space – could it reach Jupiter?

Jupiter, it seems, is his FAVORITE planet.

He’s obsessed with words right now, too, always asking me to read to him, asking what words say in the store, on road signs, in the bathroom. Mommy, what does THAT say? At night during story time, he insists on pointing to the words on the page and having me read them as he follows along. It makes for a slow and not-as-exciting story sometime, but I love that he wants to do it.

He also has taken to asking us, Who here likes [insert something here]? Raise your hand if you do! and then counting our raised hands.

I try and imagine what he’d be like as a brother to a sibling. He’s pretty good with my niece, offering her toys that she’d like and warning us when she plays with something she shouldn’t be, or climbs the stairs on her own, or climbs up onto the kitchen table. (My niece, apparently, is a climber.)

He seems the sort of kid who would look after a little sister or brother.

And this is where the antsy creeps in.

And the tired.

And maybe some of the bitter, too.

I’m tired.

I just want to KNOW WHAT HAPPENS. I’m tired of the uncertainty of wondering what our family will look like. I’m tired of wondering if I’ll be pregnant in the near future, or if I should just let it go and go on living the life I have in the here and now. Move On, file away the dream of bringing home another child. Take that energy, and money, and mind space and fill it with other things. Maybe a dog. Brainstorm a new career. Travel. A vacation house.

Always now, just before a cycle, this is what gets me. The feeling of TIRED. Resignation. I know what’s in store for me. The meds, the monitoring, the retrieval, the transfer, the waiting.

I just want to know what the ultimate outcome of this whole trying for another will BE. Will it work? If it doesn’t, then what?

I want someone to tell me, Don’t bother trying again, Serenity. You’ll only be blessed with one child. And he’s great.

But, apparently, no one has a crystal ball.

And I’ll be okay either way, I know this. These feelings haven’t unseated that knowledge.

All I can do is just wait it out.

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7 Comments »

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  1. I think your post really captures the feelings that pop up before a cycle, whether it’s the first or the fiftieth, whether you are trying for number two or still waiting for number one. It is a roller coaster. It’s worse when you do know what lies ahead. And we all just desperately want someone to be able to TELL us what the result will be.

    I’m sure I said exactly this during our wait for E. That I could put up with as many injections, rounds of IVF, twws, etc. if someone could tell me that I would get my baby at the end. It’s the not-knowing that kills us.

    xoxo
    T.

  2. Yes, you seem tired, weary even. It is par for the course for the road you have traveled. It just is what it is. No way around but through.

    My son is 5 which is just such a supremely great age. He is in to all sorts of creative, imaginative play, has started to read and will read signs (or portions of) when we are out with so much pride (right now he likes to remind me of the speed limit and not to go above it), he is helpful for the sake of being a productive member of the family, he is sensitive to the feelings of others and can verbalize his concern, he is much easier to reason with (and reasons back) which means far fewer battle of wills, and he is deep in thought and questions about the world, how it works and his place in it. Yet, he is still young enough that he loves to be tickled, wrestled with, and loved up (Eat me, mommy, eat me!). I love 5!

    I will say, that he has entered into the annoying “Look at me! Look at me! Watch this!” phase that was so cute in the beginning but that wore off the 50th time he wanted me to watch him jump into the pool the exact same way he’d done before. I get how the attention and validation is important, but, geez.

    Hang in. Show up AF, show up.

  3. Lucky sounds like he is so much fun right now! It’s funny, he’s not that much older than J, but reading about what he’s up to definitely gives me a glimpse of what is to come. It would be awesome if J got into reading like that.
    Too bad that your work isn’t more exciting to you, though. Maybe that needs to be your plan for how to fill the space if this cycle doesn’t work – figuring out what you’d like better. I am glad you’re getting clients, though.
    (and btw, thanks so much for your comment on my post. I know that can’t have been an easy one for you to read. hugs. )

  4. If the only advice I have ever given to a mom (or dad) is this piece, I hope everyone listens because you will reap rewards forever and ever. When your kid asks a bajillion questions…..answer them. Even if there is no answer. They need to know you are connecting on some level and when your brain is bleeding because of the nonstop nonsensical impossible questions–keep answering. I can tell you firsthand that by letting them think you are fascinated by the mundane and will listen to any babble…you will reap HUGE rewards in that they will keep talking to you through their teens (a time when you really want them to talk) and even into their 20’s. I had friends that always brushed their kids off and didn’t engage early and when they wanted to later on, the kids had no interest.
    Trust me. I am old and I know shit.

    • This just reminded me – recently, my (3.5 year old) son said to me, “Mommy, when you answer ‘just because’, I KEEP ASKING QUESTIONS!!” So, very good advice.

  5. It is so hard waiting. I hope you do get all you want. I remember wondering what Phoebe would be like as a sibling too. It was so tough that she was almost 9 years old when they were born, but it’s nice she’ll be ready to babysit soon, LOL.

    The Hunger Games was fantastic!!! I did read the trilogy in book form and yes, I did devour them. Phoebe is reading the last one now.

    And I agree on answering your kids questions. Phoebe is almost 12 years old and I know when we are alone in the car or when I tuck her into bed at night. She’ll still ask me the craziest stuff. But it’s important stuff. We still get to have great conversations and I want it to continue during her teenage years. The talking in the car started from a very young age when she was 2 or 3 years old. She used to ask the cutest questions back then.

  6. I do not envy you with your latest waiting game. I remember all too well just wishing I had a damn crystal ball. The lack of control and not knowing coupled with your strongest heart’s desire are not a pretty combination. I hope you will soon find peace one way or another!


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