Used To. (No More.)

June 14, 2012 at 1:45 pm | Posted in I Write. (aka: writing projects), IVF #6: Quiet Hope | 4 Comments

I used to write a lot.

I wrote poetry. I wrote long rambling love stories. I wrote short stories. I wrote fiction. I wrote blog posts.

I WROTE.

Then I stopped. Told myself a lot of things: I wasn’t good enough, I didn’t have the time, I was too busy with building my life, I should file those dreams of being a REAL writer away. I was just a blogger with no time to invest into my words.

Nope. I was an accountant. I CHOSE accounting – I spent a LOT of money for my advanced degrees. We’ll be paying for those degrees for a LONG time.

Being an accountant? Staying in this career? It is punishment for something I did years ago.

I made the decision to get a MBA to prove to my father that I was worth more than what he thought of me. That I was smarter and more capable than he thought I was.

I got the CPA to prove to a professor that I COULD be one, because he told me I’d never make a good one.

When we were traveling last week, I got a bunch of emails about something that blew up at work. It really shouldn’t have been a big deal, but it was.

And all of a sudden, I couldn’t ignore it any longer.

I hate my career.

It’s not the hours, or the flexibility. It’s the career. It’s accounting.

And always before, whenever I’ve asked myself what I’d do if I didn’t have accounting? I never had an answer.

For some reason this weekend, I allowed myself to really LISTEN when I asked the question.

What would I do with my time if I didn’t work?

And all of a sudden, it came to me.

I know how I’d spend my time.

I’d go to the gym every day and run, swim, or work out.

And then?

I’d write.

I’d write poetry. Short stories. Character sketches. Fiction. Nonfiction. Whatever.

And then it hit me: I can do that NOW.

I mean, I don’t have hours to spend at the gym, then hours to spend writing. I wish I did.

But I have fifteen minutes a day.

It’s not much. But it’s SOMETHING.

Stay tuned.

___________________________________

In the way of a cycle update, the catheter placement went well. I was super sick from the anesthesia on Thursday night, but recovered enough to travel Friday morning. It wasn’t untenable during our trip, which surprised me. I’ll take it.

Catheter came out today, and I take my last pill tonight. Next step is a baseline u/s on CD 2, whenever that is, likely this weekend.

Then stims, probably next week.

Whee.

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4 Comments »

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  1. Whee is right!

  2. Writing for 15 minutes a day sounds like so much fun. I bet it will make the rest of your day more bearable, too (the work part, I mean). So glad you are taking that step, and looking forward to hearing about it.

  3. *cheering* … good for you!!!

    (I still tell myself I’m not good enough, that it’s not worth my time, that I don’t have anything interesting to say … they are hard voices to banish.)

  4. My dad was a CPA, and he was such an unhappy guy. Not that those have to be related, but I know he never really had a ‘passion’ for his career — it was just something he did because he felt it was the thing he should do. He would talk so much about things he wished he’d done instead, but it was ‘too late’ etc, etc. And then he passed away just 2 years after retirement, right as he was starting to discover the things that did make him happy.

    Wishing you all the best in your writing, and in your quest for a career change. I find that very inspiring. I’ve worked professionally as a writer (in advertising) for almost 14 yrs now, and am contemplating a wildly different change myself — but I am pretty scared. So I look forward to seeing where this takes you, and hopefully I can learn from you!


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