The Same… only Different.

June 15, 2012 at 9:39 am | Posted in Choosing Happiness., IVF #6: Quiet Hope, Moving On. | 4 Comments

I was reading through my archives in 2007 when we got pregnant with Lucky.

So many parallels to where I am right now.

We are cycling again. Same timeframe. Different protocol.

My SIL is currently pregnant.

I am unhappy with my career.

I still love to run and am planning on running as long as I can before I have to stop with stims.

Birth control pills still gives me an appetite I have a hard time controlling.

And OMG my boobs are sore.

But so much has changed, too.

I asked my SIL about her due date, and she told me that she was due in November. Two days before your birthday, which I’m sure is GREAT timing for you, she said, a little sadly.

I love my nephew and niece, and I’d LOVE to have another who shared a birthday with me.

Further, I’m more than a little embarrassed by how hard I was on her 5 years ago. She wants her brother and I to be happy, more than anything, and her empathy for us and our struggles with infertility is humbling to me.

The career stuff, well, it is what it is. I’ve been unhappy with this choice for many years. That’s what happens when you choose a career wholly on practicality, ignoring that you’re the kind of person who wants to love what they do.

I wish I could tell you how free I feel after acknowledging that I want to spend more time writing. Honestly, I have no idea if I could make money from it, nor is that even a focus. It’s just something I loved doing when I was young, and I want to do it more. And maybe, just maybe, someday it’ll lead me to another career.

Maybe. Maybe not. In the meantime I’ll renew my CPA license and scale back my hours this summer to 3 days a week instead of 4, and spend time with my little boy and husband and keep our house going. And write 15 minutes a day.

Running, well. This spring, once I was rehabbed from my tendonitis, I focused on running FASTER. And it worked – I got PRs in three races I ran in May.

But the problem with pushing yourself that hard is that it’s easy to get burned out, too. I was getting to the point where my runs weren’t FUN anymore.

I took last week off because of the catheter insertion and our trip for my cousin’s wedding. I just didn’t FEEL like running, so I didn’t.

But then I started to miss it. And this morning, when I woke up at 4, wide awake, I decided, well, hey, why not go out for a quick run? I figured I’d do 2 miles, just to shake the cobwebs out. My pace I kept nice and easy, and kept my focus on form and footstrike.

And damn, it felt amazing. Like amazing amazing. Effortless. I did 3 miles and felt like I could have run 20. So, so nice.

I took my last birth control pill last night. Which is good, because holy crap I’m hungry all the time and my boobs hurt.

And stims will commence whenever I start bleeding and my baseline u/s looks okay.

5 years ago, I wasn’t okay.

I was so scared.

I spent so much energy trying not to feel that fear. I did so many things to fend it off. Planned for adoption, looked ahead, planned the next thing, punished my body for being a failure, emotionally ate in the hopes that it would fill the gaping hole inside me.

And that’s the difference. Back then, if IVF failed, I would have broken apart, shattered into a million pieces, frantically tried to put my life back together with whatever means necessary – all the while telling myself that I was okay, I’d be okay, I just needed to figure out how to make it all work.

I held my cousin’s six month baby for hours this past weekend, and all the while my heart ached and pulsed. With grief, yes. My body screamed, I want this! But also? Happiness. Reveling in his baby scent, feeling him nuzzle my shoulder, watching him suck his thumb, feeling his weight in my arms. I breathed him in and allowed myself to fall in love with him.

I let myself feel it all.

And the funny thing about emotion; I’m finding that it comes in waves. There are some moments where I feel overwhelmed and I’m terrified I am drowning. And then it ebbs and I feel grounded and strong.

I wish I knew that 5 years ago before I did our cycle.

But I’m here now. And no matter what happens with this cycle, no matter how I feel in the day to day, no matter how much I hate the process or long for a positive test or hope that an embryo takes or worry about the anesthesia for the retrieval?

I am me, and I have a fulfilling life right here, right now.

Just remind me of that when I’m all hopped up on hormones, mmkay? šŸ˜‰



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  1. Just coming by to give you some Hugs. xxoo

  2. It’s so hard, isn’t it? To live in the moment and still allow yourself to feel the pain and the fear and the anticipation? I got back from my run this morning trying to process the fact that our friend’s daughter is 20 weeks with her oops (she’s 21 and not in any position to be having a child) and realizing that soon there will be a baby shower I will be expected to be at. It will be the first since being “done”. I already want to cry.

    It’s true that emotion ebbs and flows. Sometimes everythings great and then all of a sudden something will smack you in the face. I’m so glad you’re feeling mostly good right now, and I have good feelings about this cycle for you. Much love…


  3. Perspective that comes from time and experience is powerful. And, yes, emotions ebb and flow (as long as you know they do that you are golden).

    Having had so many tragic deaths in my life I feel a constant pull of “I have this one life, how am I going to live it?” there are times when fear is overwhelming. I do try to re-frame my thinking when it gets overwhelming because I know the difference between fear of the unknown and instinctual fear, but fear can be insidious.

    It is just hard being an introspective, visceral human being. All we can do is live our most authentic lives and cope with the curve-balls (or get help coping).

  4. Live as if now is all there is.

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