Oh, Time, Where Have You Gone?

June 21, 2012 at 8:33 am | Posted in allergies, And I ran (I ran so far away), IVF #6: Quiet Hope | 1 Comment

I need one of Hermione’s time-turner necklaces; I have so much I want to share with you all and no real time to put into a cohesive post.

Because even though I am working only 4 days a week right now, I spent 3 hours a day in the car. Which means that I am STILL behind. All the time.

Sigh.

But posting SOMETHING is better than nothing, right? And there is more to my life than just cycle crap.

A couple of weeks ago, my cousin got married, and we went down there on vacation. The last time I was in the area was for the marathon, and we overbooked ourselves that weekend.

This time, with no real intention, we just went down there and didn’t really tell many people.

It was a great time; we hung out with family for the weekend. My parents stayed an extra day, so Lucky really got a chance to get some quality time with them.

And honestly, my mother’s focus on her allergies, which usually annoy the heck out of me, turned out to be a good thing for us.

Lucky is starting to grasp that while he can’t eat certain foods, his daddy and I can. (I don’t help matters, I know – I have eggs every morning for breakfast. But protein and veggies are good, not so much carbs in cereal and oatmeal – I’m ravenous ALL DAY if I don’t start my day with my egg and baby spinach wrap.)

He’s been asking us, Mommy, are you allergic to cashews? Are you allergic to [insert food here]?

Charlie and I have no food allergies, though we do tell Lucky that when Daddy was his age, he was allergic to eggs, too.

He never seems upset about his allergies, but I always feel badly when we have the conversation, mostly because of my own feeling that I wish he wasn’t alone in the foods he has to avoid. I hate the idea that he’d ever feel isolated by his allergies.

So it was really nice when we met my parents for breakfast to listen to my mother and Lucky talk about allergies. It started when he told her that he didn’t like watermelon. My mother told him that she couldn’t eat it because she was allergic, and he looked at her with recognition.

And then he asked, Are you allergic to eggs, too?

Yes, she’s allergic to eggs. She’s also allergic to some tree nuts, though not cashews, but she told Lucky that she had to avoid cashews and pistachios too.

It was heartwarming and sad all at once to see how eagerly he wanted to talk about his allergies with her.

My parents left on Monday morning and we spent the next couple of days, just us. (I had hoped to see my friend Runningmama, but kids and scheduled interfered.)

We went to the Air and Space Museum, which I thought that Lucky was going to LOVE. But it turns out he’s still JUST a little young. He’s used to manipulating stuff, being able to touch it, and the nuance that the command module capsule was ACTUALLY IN SPACE was lost on him.

That said? He asked some questions about the command module. Where did the astronauts sit? Where did the parachutes come out?

We showed him through the window where the three sat, and Charlie pointed out the cups where he thought the parachutes deployed.

So a week later, when we were watching Apollo 13, Lucky turned to me at the end of the movie and said, You know, Mommy? I think Daddy is right. The parachutes come out of the cups.

[Blink. Blink.]

He also LOVED the National Museum of American History’s Transportation Exhibit. After traveling the Metro for days, the model of Chicago’s L train he saw was his favorite.thing.EVER. You could go in and sit down, and it replicated a real subway car.

No joke, he played “conductor” on that train for an hour and a half. He even got other visitors to play into his game – he’d say, Step into the train, please, and find seats quickly. The train will move soon! Raise your hand if you are ready to go.

A group of schoolkids actually played along and then came BACK within a few minutes because they found Lucky so cute.

Between that and getting to shake the Metro’s conductor’s hand on the last day we were there, I think Lucky has decided he’s going to be a train conductor when he grows up. 🙂

The catheter stuff was never really an issue down there. I spotted a bit, but really only had cramping those first few days. I wasn’t able to join Lucky and Charlie in the pool in the afternoons, but really, that’s not THAT big a deal.

Other than the bruising from the repronex, the cycle is going fine.

I’ve continued to run every other day; since there’s no reason for me to push my pace, I’ve done nice easy relaxed runs. I’m not really feeling much of anything, though I suppose I’m really only 4 days into the stims, so I expect that’s normal.

Emotionally, I am holding it together. It always takes me by surprise when I’m cycling at how sensitive I am to pregnancies around me. The active nature of doing all the medications and whatnot seems to force me to acknowledge much I’d like to be pregnant, knowing that we have another baby on the way.

I’ve done this IVF crap enough, though, to know that there’s no assurances. We’ve failed far more often than we’ve succeeded at getting pregnant. And there’s nothing we can do to ensure that I do, in fact, fall pregnant this time. Consequently, neither Charlie nor I am confident that hey, this WILL BE THE CYCLE! We’re a little too battered to be blissfully optimistic that embryos in my uterus = viable pregnancy.

But I still hold fast to my quiet hope. I have a lot of trust that New Clinic is doing everything they have found to work over the years of research my doctor has done. I also know I am in a better place emotionally for this cycle than I’ve been in the 7 years since we started trying for a family.

I know that if this DOESN’T work, then we will be okay, too. There IS fulfillment in my life as it is now. The here and now is pretty okay, too. I know that we can make the most of this life we have now, even if it turns out we’ll never add to our family.

Even if I don’t have that time-turner, things are pretty good.

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  1. Just wanted to say this is a great post. I love that you’re in this space. Keeping you in my thoughts and I’ve got everything crossed for you!


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