June 24, 2012 at 2:39 pm | Posted in Heartbreak, IVF #6: Quiet Hope | 9 Comments

When I decided to leave my job back in February, people took the fact that I got a contract that started two days after I finished up at my old company as A Sign.

It was meant to be, they said. Because the stars aligned and everything fit into place perfectly, I was meant to leave my job and take this part time contracting job. Which, honestly, makes me a happier than my last job did, even though I still hate accounting.

This morning I went into Boston for my follicle scan. My belly is full of welts from the repronex; apparently cutting the fluid in half has merely made the welts SMALLER, which, you know, is good. But my belly is so freaking painful.

I sat in the weekend room for New Clinic for two hours. It was packed with so many people.

I have 6 follicles, 5 on my right, 1 on my left. My E2 today is 1009.

I drove home and crossed a bridge over a 10k race in Boston today, one that some of my friends are running.

And the thought struck me, watching all those people running, knowing that I’m now on a 2 week hiatus from the sport that keeps me sane. After waiting for two hours for my wanding and blood draw. Before driving the hour back to my house.

What the fuck am I DOING?

Think about it. We’ve gone through how many embryos with one amazing kid to show for it. We got really, really, REALLY Lucky. Why do I keep putting myself through cycle after cycle again when it’s not working? If I was meant to have multiple children, it wouldn’t be this hard, would it? It would fall in place just like the job thing did.

Maybe I should take the hint and just move on. Maybe this is a Sign that I’m meant to only have one kid, and do something ELSE with this energy.

I’ve really been struggling with this today. I got SO Lucky with my kid. Why do I keep trying to repeat it? Why can’t he be enough? Why do I keep pushing for a baby? Why? Why can’t I just let it go? Why do I keep putting myself through the hell of ART?

I don’t say this to be all “woe is me,” either. I am truly trying to understand why I keep putting myself through the hell of cycling again and again and again. Yes, I want another child. I always have. I long for a baby with an ache deep enough that sometimes I can hardly breathe.

But I have a good life, too. I have races, and opportunities to do MORE with my running club, and the hope of writing more, and my work, and the kid I’m lucky to HAVE. The one we fought for years for in the first place.

Why am I still fighting?

I wish I knew.



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  1. I have been asking myself this question a lot lately, and I don’t even have to put as much energy, effort and money into trying to have another one. But I ask myself, why have another kid? Why put myself through the struggle and possible loss? Why put my already strained marriage through two years of intense challenge? Why put further pressure on our already insufficient financial situation? There are dozens of arguments for not having another child and really only one (maybe two) for having one: I want one (and possibly to give my child a sibling).

    I subscribe to the biological imperative argument, that we are just programmed to want kids. Some don’t feel the urge much, or at all, buts lots of us do, and it is strong. It’s why IFers spend so much and endure such heartache. It’s why every parent is willing to make the sacrifices they do. We’re just programmed to do so. It’s in our DNA. I just can’t think of another explanation.

    Anyway, that is what I tell myself, when I can’t did a rational way to explain my intense, burning desire to have another child. You are normal for wanting what you want, for lettin your heart, and not your mind, guide you.

  2. As someone who could not let my dream and hope and picture of having two children go, I can only say that in the desire to have children, the heart wants what it wants and in the wanting, especially for those struggling with infertility, logic is defied.

    I do absolutely believe that there is a way to make peace with the wanting once the choice to stop the pursuit has been made. However, I believe that even in making peace and coming to terms, the longing will persist and that is OK, too.

  3. It’s so true, logic is defied in the fertility chase. Thinking of you every day. Everything but everything is crossed for you. I know you’ve been following along with me and you know I get that the decisions infertility forces us to make many times don’t have a clear answer. Here’s hoping that your answer comes in a BFP with this cycle. ❤

  4. I once read in an adoption blog that the time to stop adding to your family is when it doesn’t feel like there is someone missing from your dinner table. I’d actually love to have another baby, but we can’t afford another adoption (or more childcare), and I’m too old to risk another pregnancy. I know our family is done, and we’re blessed to have the kids we have, but it’s still bittersweet.

  5. That said, I’m wishing so hard for you that this cycle is the one!

  6. Ha. Well, you already have half my comment on this. I don’t think things that are “meant to be” are necessarily meant to be easy. I don’t think you should give up just because you’ve hit a hard place, and I don’t think you should only do things that come easily.

    But here’s the other half of the comment: if something’s hard, you should definitely question it. (Also if it seems to good to be true… I guess I’m a questioner.) But if something’s hard it has to be really valuable to you to make it worthwhile. And here, it’s easy to say that a child would be worthwhile (although the question is not always as easy it might seem) but here you are also asking yourself if the trying is worthwhile, regardless of the outcome. Holy crap! How are you supposed to answer that?

    In the end, being at peace with your decisions is one of the most valuable things in the world. I’m not sure what decision you’d be most at peace with, but in the meantime I have everything crossed.


  7. I like what several earlier commenters said about biological imperative. It really is programmed in us to want more children, whether it’s logical or not. And if you use your argument about signs, nobody should go through any ART at all. So I don’t think that’s a good way to look at it. I think that until you really feel that you could rest easy knowing you did everything you could do, and it just didn’t work (or, of course, if you get pregnant) it makes sense to keep going. As long as you think “if I stop now, I’ll always wonder…” you are justified in continuing.

  8. Why? Because you haven’t actually hit your “line in the sand” yet. Sure, you have likely told yourself many times where your limit is (and gone past it) but the one that’s truly in your heart hasn’t been reached yet. And you know what? That’s ok!

    If you get there, you will know it. If you get your dream of another bio baby, then you will be happy you pushed on and kept going. You really did follow your heart and not your head with the job change. So while it was a ‘sign’, you also had reached the point of no return at your old job. I think the timing would have been right regardless of when you chose to leave.

  9. I think you’re fighting because it’s important to you and you’re not ready to stop. I think you’re following your heart. Yes ART sucks and yes there are things you’d rather be doing right now, but it is a means to an end. If this doesn’t work out, I think you’ll know when it’s time to stop. I did.

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