Cultivating Hope.July 10, 2012 at 8:21 am | Posted in Crazy Talk (aka: Therapy), IVF #6: Quiet Hope | 15 Comments
Well, I am officially surrounded by pregnant people. My SIL is pg. My best friend is pg. My friend K is pg, my cousin’s wife is pg, three moms at daycare are pg. I don’t even want to count the folks in my blog reader who are pg.
And now? My therapist is, too.
I’ve had a suspicion for weeks, honestly, but it hasn’t felt right to ask her. Mostly because, well, it’s her news and really none of my business.
Except that my sessions right now focus on issues surrounding infertility and pregnancy. As she said yesterday, it kind of is my business if she’s pregnant or not.
And it’s funny. Because whenever I hear of yet another person who is expecting, my FIRST thought is that our cycle is screwed.
Because there can’t possibly be enough of pregnant to go around.
It’s such garbage thinking. But I do it a lot.
I’m finding, actually, that being hopeful, as hopeful as I’ve been, is really terrifying.
I’ve never allowed myself to hope before, really hope. I’ve seen it akin to indulging in an entire pan of brownies; feels good at the time, in the moment. But when the stomachache of reality hits, it’s even worse than if you never ate the brownies in the first place.
It’s all about protection, really. If I don’t allow myself hope, then maybe the BFN won’t hurt as badly.
Except. A BFN always hurts.
So this cycle I’ve wanted to change that. I wanted to allow myself to feel the hope this time, to really sit with it.
Which, man, wow, it’s hard. I keep wanting to talk myself out of it. Last week it was obsessing about what would happen if both embryos took. This week it’s telling myself, well, you don’t REALLY know, and honestly, your symptoms aren’t all that strong, and at the end of the day, Serenity, everyone else around you gets pregnant. Not you.
Hope is scary. I feel vulnerable, unprotected from the elements.
But I also believe that for me, personally, it’s important I allow myself hope. Why shouldn’t I have hope that this cycle might have worked? We have had unbelievable results thus far, better than I ever thought possible.
Why couldn’t it work? Why couldn’t I join the circle of people in my life that are pregnant right now?
So I’m going to say it.
It’s a whisper, of course. But I’m going to say it anyway.
I think this cycle might have worked.
I have a lot of hope.
And I’m going to continue to cultivate this hope – right up to the moment where the outcome of this cycle is confirmed.
If it’s negative, it’ll hurt no matter what.
So really, I’ve got nothing to lose.