Cultivating Hope.

July 10, 2012 at 8:21 am | Posted in Crazy Talk (aka: Therapy), IVF #6: Quiet Hope | 15 Comments

Well, I am officially surrounded by pregnant people. My SIL is pg. My best friend is pg. My friend K is pg, my cousin’s wife is pg, three moms at daycare are pg. I don’t even want to count the folks in my blog reader who are pg.

And now? My therapist is, too.

I’ve had a suspicion for weeks, honestly, but it hasn’t felt right to ask her. Mostly because, well, it’s her news and really none of my business.

Except that my sessions right now focus on issues surrounding infertility and pregnancy. As she said yesterday, it kind of is my business if she’s pregnant or not.

And it’s funny. Because whenever I hear of yet another person who is expecting, my FIRST thought is that our cycle is screwed.

Because there can’t possibly be enough of pregnant to go around.

It’s such garbage thinking. But I do it a lot.

I’m finding, actually, that being hopeful, as hopeful as I’ve been, is really terrifying.

I’ve never allowed myself to hope before, really hope. I’ve seen it akin to indulging in an entire pan of brownies; feels good at the time, in the moment. But when the stomachache of reality hits, it’s even worse than if you never ate the brownies in the first place.

It’s all about protection, really. If I don’t allow myself hope, then maybe the BFN won’t hurt as badly.

Except. A BFN always hurts.

So this cycle I’ve wanted to change that. I wanted to allow myself to feel the hope this time, to really sit with it.

Which, man, wow, it’s hard. I keep wanting to talk myself out of it. Last week it was obsessing about what would happen if both embryos took. This week it’s telling myself, well, you don’t REALLY know, and honestly, your symptoms aren’t all that strong, and at the end of the day, Serenity, everyone else around you gets pregnant. Not you.

Hope is scary. I feel vulnerable, unprotected from the elements.

But I also believe that for me, personally, it’s important I allow myself hope. Why shouldn’t I have hope that this cycle might have worked? We have had unbelievable results thus far, better than I ever thought possible.

Why couldn’t it work? Why couldn’t I join the circle of people in my life that are pregnant right now?

So I’m going to say it.

It’s a whisper, of course. But I’m going to say it anyway.

I think this cycle might have worked.

I have a lot of hope.

And I’m going to continue to cultivate this hope – right up to the moment where the outcome of this cycle is confirmed.

If it’s negative, it’ll hurt no matter what.

So really, I’ve got nothing to lose.

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15 Comments »

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  1. I’ve got tons of hope over here for you guys too!!!

  2. You’re so right….on all counts. You need to feel the hope, why not! Then you fear the loss of hope. We have been conditioned to expect it to fail. I actually wasted an entire pregnancy expecting things to go wrong and not enjoying any of it because….well, you know, something just HAD to fail, right?
    Enjoy your hope, let your head go places that have been too scary or painful before. History does not have to repeat itself.

  3. I’m so glad you’re hoping. We’re all hoping for you too! And, um, yeah, pregnant people. I’ll never forget learning that our adoption counselor was expecting …

  4. Oh my god! My therapist is pregnant too! And I suspected for weeks and she never told me. And she never felt she should have. She said, “if you hadn’t had your first is have felt different about it but since you have, I figured it was fine.” Um, ooookay? Except I’m also in here talking about wanting to try and struggling with TTC so actually no, not okay.

    I’m glad you’re finding hope. I am also hoping for you.

  5. Lots of hope coming from me too! I know what you mean though. When our surro was pg with D, my cousin called to tell me she was about 2 weeks ahead of us and I almost had a panic attack because that meant all 4 cousins were having babies and I immediately thought that surely it couldn’t work out for all of us, right? But it did.

  6. Well, if this is any indication of hopefulness, I read the first line of this post as, “Well, I am officially pregnant…” and my immediate reaction was complete elation for you. I am going to continue to go with, you are pregnant and I look forwar dto confirmation.

    GOOD LUCK, SERENITY!

  7. I don’t know if I could handle having so many people around me pregnant. But the hope–that is good. And I think we all are holding onto that hope for you! Hoping you are among the pregnants soon…

  8. I hope you are right. 🙂

  9. Yay – I’m hoping for you too!

  10. Nothing to lose. I hope you feel this positive over the days to come!

    Bea

  11. I got chills up my spine reading this, because I want so so so much for you to be right, and for this cycle to have worked.

    xoxo
    T.

  12. I hope for you more than you can possibly know. XOXO

  13. Definitely cultivate hope. I’m hoping for you. My funny note is that I thought I might be pregnant, but I am not. I’m on Seasonique, which means I only see my period every 3 months and obviously are not trying to have any more children. I’ve been working out and not losing any weight and seeming a lot thicker in the middle. Even DH was starting to wonder what was going on. I also just signed up to start an Executive MBA program. So obviously this would be the time in my 18-year marriage to finally get my first oops pregnancy. Thankfully this is not the case, but it would have been really funny and ironic.

  14. I always did the same tally system… more pg around me, the less likely I would be. Except I think it was the opposite in reality. Lots of hope for you!

  15. I am full of hope for you, too! Anxiously awaiting beta day!


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