So. Incredibly. Stupid.July 13, 2012 at 10:21 pm | Posted in IVF #6: Maybe This Will Be Different. Or Not. | 19 Comments
(warning: this is a post on mint M&Ms, wine, and grief. Feel free to click away.)
I know I said it was hopeful.
This morning, I thought it worked. Really.
I thought it worked. I expected a positive.
The feeling was stronge enough that when the nurse said, I have bad news…
I was confused.
Now I’m just angry.
I feel so STUPID.
I’m not going to tally here how many fucking cycles we’ve done. It’s been, in total, SEVEN YEARS.
And yes, I know I should take out the year of trying before we realized, oops, male factor.
And the couple of years where we had a baby and then a toddler and I couldn’t even imagine adding to our family.
But that’s the thing. It FEELS like we’ve struggled for seven fucking years. 6 fresh cycles. I don’t even know how fucking many frozens.
We have gone through EIGHTEEN embryos.
One amazing kid to show for it.
What the fuck are we DOING? Why do we keep DOING THIS?
I keep going back, and we do cycles, and it looks AMAZING on paper. I mean, fucking LOOK at our statistics on this cycle. 18 eggs, 17 mature enough for ICSI, 16 fertilized. The fertilized embryos were GREAT quality, one of the two embryos they put in my uterus was NEARLY FUCKING PERFECT.
Why didn’t it work?
Because my uterus kills embryos.
Because we are stupid enough to buy into the hope that the NEXT cycle might be the perfect one, the one that turns into a baby, the one where we get to complete our family.
Because we enjoy running into the same fucking brick wall of failure again and again.
I feel so fucking stupid. I keep putting myself in the way of failure and heartbreak again and again.
That’s the overriding feeling tonight, after a glass and a half of wine (yay! I’m a lightweight!) and time to think. I’m so incredibly stupid for continuing to do this again. And again. And again.
Maybe I just need to figure it out: I got Lucky once.
It needs to be enough.