So. Incredibly. Stupid.

July 13, 2012 at 10:21 pm | Posted in IVF #6: Maybe This Will Be Different. Or Not. | 19 Comments

(warning: this is a post on mint M&Ms, wine, and grief. Feel free to click away.)

I know I said it was hopeful.

This morning, I thought it worked. Really.

I thought it worked. I expected a positive.

The feeling was stronge enough that when the nurse said, I have bad news…

I was confused.

Now I’m just angry.

I feel so STUPID.

I’m not going to tally here how many fucking cycles we’ve done. It’s been, in total, SEVEN YEARS.

And yes, I know I should take out the year of trying before we realized, oops, male factor.

And the couple of years where we had a baby and then a toddler and I couldn’t even imagine adding to our family.

But that’s the thing. It FEELS like we’ve struggled for seven fucking years. 6 fresh cycles. I don’t even know how fucking many frozens.

We have gone through EIGHTEEN embryos.

One amazing kid to show for it.

What the fuck are we DOING? Why do we keep DOING THIS?

I keep going back, and we do cycles, and it looks AMAZING on paper. I mean, fucking LOOK at our statistics on this cycle. 18 eggs, 17 mature enough for ICSI, 16 fertilized. The fertilized embryos were GREAT quality, one of the two embryos they put in my uterus was NEARLY FUCKING PERFECT.

Why didn’t it work?

Because my uterus kills embryos.

Because we are stupid enough to buy into the hope that the NEXT cycle might be the perfect one, the one that turns into a baby, the one where we get to complete our family.

Because we enjoy running into the same fucking brick wall of failure again and again.

I feel so fucking stupid. I keep putting myself in the way of failure and heartbreak again and again.

That’s the overriding feeling tonight, after a glass and a half of wine (yay! I’m a lightweight!) and time to think. I’m so incredibly stupid for continuing to do this again. And again. And again.

Maybe I just need to figure it out: I got Lucky once.

Just once.

It needs to be enough.

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19 Comments »

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  1. Oh Serenity. You are NOT stupid. Hope is an insidious mistress. It knows how to temps us into believing that maybe this time it will work, despite all the odds against us, maybe this time… And we hear the stories of they person who gets a BFP after 17 cycles or finally births a live child after 15 losses and we think, stranger things have happened! Maybe I can have this one, little thing. When so many can achieve it so easily, we think surely we can too if we just keep trying. Hoping is what it means to be human. and you’re not stupid to have it now or ever.

    I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I can’t even imagine how hard it is. I wish I could say something to make it better but I can’t. All I can say is I’m here and I’m thinking of you and I’m abiding with you.

    Always abiding with you.

  2. I\’m so sorry. You shouldn\’t feel stupid for hoping-human, maybe-but not stupid. I wish I could say something that could lessen the sting-but we both know I can\’t-no one can. It just fuckin sucks. I abide with you.

  3. I’m so sorry. Please, please know that you are not stupid for holding on to hope, you’re never stupid for holding on to hope. I’m really so sorry.

  4. Not stupid, not stupid at all.

    I’m so, so, so very sorry, Serenity. I know that the words don’t help at all, but please know that I was hoping right along with you.

    Sending you love, prayers, and ((hugs))…

  5. Oh, Serenity … I’m so sorry. The words sound hollow, and empty, but I’m pouring wine for you here. I don’t think you’re stupid. Your heart wants more. If you had a chance, you had to take it. Hope is all we have … though sometimes it would almost seem better not to have it at all. Abiding with you.

  6. Oh honey. So much love. It’s not stupid to hope. It’s human. I wish there were something I could say to make this easier. Better. Less painful. There isn’t. Just know that I’m crying with you and wishing like hell it could have been different. ❤

  7. There’s so much I want to say to you, but I know you won’t believe me right now. The anger and the frustration and the disappointment and the resentment and the feeling of defeat are all too much right now. And very understandably so, of course.

    You are not a fool. You are someone who aches for a dream that has not been achieved yet. And you keep putting yourself in this position BECAUSE you have Lucky — because you know how awesome a child is, and how much love a child brings to your family, and how much contentment a child brings to your soul. You know all of these things, and you want to multiply the awesomeness and the love and the contentment by completing your family in the way you most desire.

    I don’t see a thing wrong with that.

    XOXO

  8. You know I felt the same way after our second fresh DE cycle failed. For a long time, I berated myself wondering why I thought that I even had a chance to get what I hoped for…again. How stupid to think that I deserved to catch lightening in a bottle a second time when I should just be happy and grateful that it already happened once.

    But, it is NOT stupid to hope. It’s that it is painful. Oh. so. incredibly. painful not to have that hope fulfilled.

  9. You are not stupid. You are wonderful and you had hope. I so wish your hope had been fulfilled.

    I am so very sorry. Sending (((hugs))) and abiding with you.

  10. Nothing I can say that hasn’t been said. We all grieve and abide with you. And despite ourselves, we hope again and again with you. ((Hugs))

  11. Not stupid. Hope is a bitch and it is always there in our hearts. Not sure it really ever goes away completely. Like everyone here has said, it’s just human. I know none of this really helps, but we are here, grieving with you.

  12. It’s never stupid to hope, but I know it’s hard when you don’t get what you want. I’ve been exactly where you are – believing a cycle had worked and genuinely surprised to find out it didn’t. I’m really sorry things didn’t work out – I was hoping right along with you.

  13. Had you not had hope, you wouldn’t have Lucky. It is comforting and part of the process to be angry and feel hopeless right now. You’ve done the emotional work to know that you just have to move through it, feel it, acknowledge it, let it go.

    Even though it is HARD to feel this way now, you WILL be OK. No matter what you do, what you decide, you WILL be OK.

  14. So sorry 😦

  15. I’m going to toss a different perspective at you, maybe it helps, maybe not. 18 embryos could be the equivalent of a non-IF person trying for 9 months, having a baby, and then trying 8 months for a second. It feels like SO MUCH to us because we know the count, but it might not be you at all. It might just be the luck of the draw. And while all those embryos looked good in the lab, the truth is that we really don’t have any idea why some take and some don’t. If we did, fertility docs would have a 100% success rate.

    And it’s not stupid to hope. Please don’t beat yourself up for hoping — that’s what makes us human.

  16. I’m a little late here (sorry!) but like the others said, you are not stupid. The desire for children is very innate and biological. It’s NORMAL, if not always rational. It just makes me so sad that this cycle didn’t work for you. It seems so unfair. I know you want another baby so badly, and I know you are a great mom now and would be a great mom of 2. And I wish all these good thoughts we’re all sending your way could just make it happen. You’ve done everything you can – there IS no real reason it didn’t work. I don’t know what else to say, except I’m thinking of you.

  17. You are most definitely NOT stupid. I’m so sorry this cycle wasn’t the one. I had so much hope for you guys. I still do. You can’t rationalize with your heart and your heart wants another child…
    Thinking of you.

  18. I’m so sorry. This truly sucks. But hope? Never stupid. Painful, infuriating, heartbreaking, yes. And it’s what keeps us putting one foot in front of the other.

  19. Absolutely not stupid. I was hoping so hard right along with you that this cycle was the one that worked. Again, I’m so, so sorry. Thinking of you.


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