Picking Up the Pieces.

July 15, 2012 at 6:23 am | Posted in And I ran (I ran so far away), Choosing Happiness., Heartbreak | 12 Comments

Thanks for all the support these past couple of days.

I still can’t believe it was negative. I was really convinced that it had worked. Wasn’t just hopeful; really expected the nurse to tell me it was positive.

Goes to show you how little I know my body.

__________________

Last year I did a 12 week running clinic with my running as part of my marathon preparations. I was toying with the idea of doing it again, though I wasn’t certain what would happen if I was pregnant.

On Friday the first thing I did when I got the news was to go to the website and officially sign myself up for it.

I want to do exactly what I did last year – run far and fast and give away all our baby shit and pretend the cycle never happened.

__________________

Yesterday was a joint birthday party for my niece and nephew, who are 3 years and 3 days apart. My SIL is pg again, and she’s gutted over the fact that our cycle didn’t work.

I wanted to pretend I was okay. I didn’t want to talk about it. I focused on my niece, who is my favorite little girl in the whole world, and I had strawberry frozen magaritas, and I was mostly okay.

I had to go out and get a hold of myself, though, when my MIL and my niece and nephew’s other grandmother toasted to their “grandchildren.”

All I heard in my head was “grandCHILD. GrandCHILD.”

Single. My one and only kid.

This hurts so much.

__________________

Charlie and I have tentatively discussed what’s next for us. I thought maybe I wanted a break, to take the summer off and go back to New Clinic when it doesn’t hurt as much.

But my overriding feeling is that I feel like this is an abusive relationship. I know I’m NOT stupid, but I FEEL stupid for continuing to stay with this whole process. I nurse the wounds on my heart with every BFN and hold out hope that next time will be different.

It’s been 7 years we’ve been trying to make and then complete our family.

What happens if it’s 10? 12? 15? And we end up right back here – no baby, no hope?

I can’t – no WON’T – waste that much time.

So I think we’ll go see New Doc whenever we get the cycle summary sheet, and start using up our frozen embryos. One by one. It’s going to be fucking chinese water torture, but I will not transfer more than one blastocyst.

And if we end up with no more embryos, we walk away.

____________

And I always justified doing treatments by saying, it’ll be worth it when we have a baby.

What happens if there is no baby?

_____________

You all know I’m a fan of drawing lines in the sand. I’ve said before now, I’m done. And then gone back and cycled.

Thing is, emotionally, I’m getting to the end of treatments. I can’t do this much longer. It’s been too long. Too much fighting. Too much heartbreak. Too much pain.

Staring down the reality of accepting the idea that we won’t ever have another baby seems impossibly hard sometimes. Too close. Too final. Makes me want to grasp at straws and find hope SOMEWHERE.

But, too, I know that the longer we do this, the more it eats away our hope, the more I loathe the process, the more I get scared about all the time I’ve wasted waiting. For blood draws. For ultrasounds.

For what is looking more and more like an impossibility: holding another baby.

So Charlie and I will use up our frozen embryos.

And when that doesn’t work, we’ll stop treatments.

I no longer have questions about whether or not our clinic did enough. We tried a new protocol and had amazing results, at least on paper.

5 frozen embryos. If we go through those and end up where are are today, at least we tried. We’ve done as much as we can to try and bring home another baby.

And that will have to be good enough.

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12 Comments »

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  1. I am so heartbroken for you, Serenity. I too just “felt” that this was it. Maybe because it was a new clinic, great results.

    But I do feel that this plan, the plan to go through the frozen embryos and then that is it–sounds like a good way to finish this part of the journey. Like you said, Chinese Water Torture Style–but I think it will give you closure.

    I will hope that one of those embryos sticks around.

    No matter what, I will abide with you.

  2. Serenity, you know you’re not stupid, it’s just that it could always be the next cycle. It’s always waiting for that one good embryo. And it’s hard, therefore, to know where to draw the line. I think if you feel like going forward straight away to get things over with then do it. And I hope the future looks brighter than today.

  3. Today, my friend’s parents are coming to take all of our baby stuff away. I feel good giving it to her- they have tried for 3 years and this baby happened on their 2nd IVF- but it still feels hard to say “We’re doing this because it’s final.” I have very good reasons never to be pregnant again, and expect a serious diagnosis very soon, and know I would be terrified at the thought of having a spinal needle go in my back ever again after this lumbar puncture from hell experience. But- it still does not feel final. I still tell myself “Maybe things will change in 2 years and we get get this stuff back” though I know it’s a lie. When we are ready, maybe in the spring, we are going to make it final by doing a snip-snip for the Mister. Then we can;t be jerked around by hope any more.

  4. Oh Serenity. My heart breaks for you. There are no words. I hope you find your peace, where it may be.

    Abiding with you.

  5. Hi Hon. Been thinking about you so much these past few days.

    Here’s the thing. One doctor, after the horrific failure of the picture perfect cycle up in NJ, said…that there are just some couples that it takes a lot of embryos to get pregnant. To find the one good embryo. I truely believe that is you. You don’t have uterine or hormonal issues (they’ve been addressed). For whatever reason, it’s just hard for you guys to find the right egg and sperm. I truly think that if you can gut through this and just keep on keeping on and trying not to let this rule your life (ha ha, right?) that they will find the one good embryo.

  6. Serenity I’m so sorry this didn’t work, we all had so much hope along with you. One thing you won’t bear in mind but I feel compelled to say anyway – is that the end of a failed cycle is no time to be making big decisions about the future. As Tertia once bravely said: “the time to quit is when the pain of continuing is worse than the pain of never succeeding.” Only you and CB will know when that is, but now is not the right time to decide.

    hang in there.

  7. Here from LFCA. Just wanted to say I’m sorry for your really sucky negative beta news. Thinking of you.

  8. Serenity,

    I have been reading your blog for a while and occasionally link to it on Facebook as an example of how hard it is for families to juggle parenting and career. Just wanted to say I am so sorry you are going through this emotional rollercoaster. I hope that you find peace no matter what the outcome is with your family planning.

  9. I’m so sorry. I wish there was something more I could say or do.

  10. Aww crap. I just got back from vacay and read the news. So sorry.

  11. I’m thinking of you and sending hugs. We have 5 frozen embryos too.

  12. My heart is absolutely bleeding for you. Wishing you peace and sending virtual hugs.


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