Picking Up the Pieces.July 15, 2012 at 6:23 am | Posted in And I ran (I ran so far away), Choosing Happiness., Heartbreak | 12 Comments
Thanks for all the support these past couple of days.
I still can’t believe it was negative. I was really convinced that it had worked. Wasn’t just hopeful; really expected the nurse to tell me it was positive.
Goes to show you how little I know my body.
Last year I did a 12 week running clinic with my running as part of my marathon preparations. I was toying with the idea of doing it again, though I wasn’t certain what would happen if I was pregnant.
On Friday the first thing I did when I got the news was to go to the website and officially sign myself up for it.
I want to do exactly what I did last year – run far and fast and give away all our baby shit and pretend the cycle never happened.
Yesterday was a joint birthday party for my niece and nephew, who are 3 years and 3 days apart. My SIL is pg again, and she’s gutted over the fact that our cycle didn’t work.
I wanted to pretend I was okay. I didn’t want to talk about it. I focused on my niece, who is my favorite little girl in the whole world, and I had strawberry frozen magaritas, and I was mostly okay.
I had to go out and get a hold of myself, though, when my MIL and my niece and nephew’s other grandmother toasted to their “grandchildren.”
All I heard in my head was “grandCHILD. GrandCHILD.”
Single. My one and only kid.
This hurts so much.
Charlie and I have tentatively discussed what’s next for us. I thought maybe I wanted a break, to take the summer off and go back to New Clinic when it doesn’t hurt as much.
But my overriding feeling is that I feel like this is an abusive relationship. I know I’m NOT stupid, but I FEEL stupid for continuing to stay with this whole process. I nurse the wounds on my heart with every BFN and hold out hope that next time will be different.
It’s been 7 years we’ve been trying to make and then complete our family.
What happens if it’s 10? 12? 15? And we end up right back here – no baby, no hope?
I can’t – no WON’T – waste that much time.
So I think we’ll go see New Doc whenever we get the cycle summary sheet, and start using up our frozen embryos. One by one. It’s going to be fucking chinese water torture, but I will not transfer more than one blastocyst.
And if we end up with no more embryos, we walk away.
And I always justified doing treatments by saying, it’ll be worth it when we have a baby.
What happens if there is no baby?
You all know I’m a fan of drawing lines in the sand. I’ve said before now, I’m done. And then gone back and cycled.
Thing is, emotionally, I’m getting to the end of treatments. I can’t do this much longer. It’s been too long. Too much fighting. Too much heartbreak. Too much pain.
Staring down the reality of accepting the idea that we won’t ever have another baby seems impossibly hard sometimes. Too close. Too final. Makes me want to grasp at straws and find hope SOMEWHERE.
But, too, I know that the longer we do this, the more it eats away our hope, the more I loathe the process, the more I get scared about all the time I’ve wasted waiting. For blood draws. For ultrasounds.
For what is looking more and more like an impossibility: holding another baby.
So Charlie and I will use up our frozen embryos.
And when that doesn’t work, we’ll stop treatments.
I no longer have questions about whether or not our clinic did enough. We tried a new protocol and had amazing results, at least on paper.
5 frozen embryos. If we go through those and end up where are are today, at least we tried. We’ve done as much as we can to try and bring home another baby.
And that will have to be good enough.