A Good Distraction.

July 16, 2012 at 5:25 pm | Posted in And I ran (I ran so far away), Heartbreak, Infertility | 15 Comments

I told my MIL about our failed cycle. I’m not sure why I mentioned it, really. Maybe because my heart bled when she clinked glasses and toasted her grandchildREN, how I wish I could give her another grandkid myself.

Maybe I just wanted the support.

At any rate, she was surprised to hear that we did a cycle.

And then she promptly asked me what this new clinic “thought about my running.”

Not quite the support I had in mind, there. And thanks for finding a way to make it my fault that we can’t get pregnant. You know, because it’s not like I don’t blame myself anyway, or anything.

___________________________

Fact is, I didn’t run much. During my 2ww went for 2 mile jogs at a pace where I barely broke a sweat. In the summer heat/humidity.

And getting back into it fucking sucks, actually.

I ran Friday night, a 2 mile jog with a friend that had me nearly in tears because I could barely breathe.

I ran again Sunday morning with the same friend, where I was still sucking wind at her “recovery pace.”

And I ran this morning, after Charlie Brown and I fought because I was pissed that he was punishing Lucky for having emotions. Because, you know, whenever we spend time with his parents, Charlie Brown all of a sudden believes that it’s not okay for Lucky to have any real opinions of his own. He’s a kid, Mom and Dad get to “Win” and that’s the end of the story.

(And yes, my MIL actually said “good for you!” last night when Charlie told Lucky he couldn’t do or have something. As much as I love my MIL, she’s kind of an asshole to kids. And I don’t really like her very much in that respect.)

Anyway, I was having a bad day anyway. AF, get to talk about our massive fucking BFN with my pregnant therapist today, I’m tired and pissed off, oh, and 10lbs heavier than I was two weeks ago. Fucking YAY, my life is AWESOME today.

So I went for a run. And I told myself I was going to RUN. I wanted a punishing, hard workout.

The first two miles were so, so, SO hard. I caved and walked a bit in the second hilly mile because OMFG it hurt.

But then at mile three, I gave up. I didn’t care that it hurt. I wasn’t going to stop.

And in the last half mile, I picked up the pace. I focused on turning over my legs and pumping my arms. It was like the feeling of slipping into a warm bath; I got goosebumps and couldn’t keep from smiling with absolute TRIUMPH.

It’s still there, inside me.

The thing that makes my runs amazing – that feeling of strength, the ability to tap into my reserves of anger and grief and USE it to DO something good with my body.

Where I’m strong and capable and not a failure.

Where I feel completely in control of my body, my breath, my headspace, my heart.

Nothing but me and the run.

And when I finished, spent, I couldn’t help but smile angrily at the sky.

Fuck you, infertility. Fuck you, God.

Go ahead and try and keep me down.

I’ll find a way to be happy anyway.

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15 Comments »

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  1. Hasa diga eebowai!

    • Brilliant. Just Brilliant. 🙂

  2. Wow. This post is amazing. I LOVE it. I had a similar experience last night, going to yoga for the first time in two weeks. I specifically went to a class where she’d work me and I’d feel that fire burning inside me, incinerating the anger and sadness. And in the middle of all those sun salutations, my legs and arms and stomach on fire I felt so good, so alive, so strong. It’s the only place I don’t feel like a failure. It’s the only time I don’t feel so broken and useless and alone. I’m so glad you have that place where you feel strong and able and awesome. Because you are all of those things. And it sucks that infertility makes you feel otherwise.

  3. Fuck you infertility indeed my friend. You know that I GET THIS in so many ways. (and screw your MIL, for eff’s sake – she can go live with my parents and they can wallow in their miserableness). Run,girl, run. Infertility may be a bitch, but she can’t run worth a damn. I wish I could go on a run with you and we could leave her in the dust behind us both.

    ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤

  4. Those restrictions are BS for the most part to make us feel better and like we are doing something productive. By my 4th IVF I didn’t listen at all. I went right back to work and the day after transfer I went sledding and that was the first cycle I ever got pg. Besides haven’t studies shown that bed rest results in less pregnancies than carrying on like normal! Shin kicks to your MIL.

  5. Run, Serenity, Run! 🙂

  6. I know exactly how you feel! 8 cycles. 6 transfers and 17 embryos later got my your a loser BFN call this evening. This sucks so bad life is so unfair!

  7. Fuck you infertility is a fantastic mantra!

  8. “Go ahead and try and keep me down.

    I’ll find a way to be happy anyway.”

    I love this take. (((Hugs)))

    Side-eye to your MIL.

  9. Great post. I’m sorry to hear about your MIL’s reaction as well as not being good with kids. I’m finding myself able to be a lot more patient with my kids over the past few weeks and that makes me happy. Enjoy the run!

  10. I’m glad you’ve got running.

    Bea

  11. Good. For. YOU. You GO, girl. I imagine you shaking your fist at the sky, and I’m cheering for you.

    My mother is the non-supportive person in my family … and when I was going to see her or talk with her about something I wanted support for, my ex-neighbor, who used to be a social worker, would always say, “J, don’t go to the fire.” It was a wise piece of advice … she knew that sometimes it would hurt more than help. I’m sorry that your MIL wasn’t more supportive.

  12. People like to pin infertility on a REASON…they don’t understand that it’s just something going on in our body. Would someone ever accuse someone with MS of “doing” something to cause it? NO. People always act like my running was the reason I had a hard time getting pregnant. Except I know TONS of runners that are skinnier and run more than I do and they had no problems getting pregnant. SO, I would continue to exercise and allow yourself this space where you can feel strong and good about your body.

  13. Yeah, fuck you infertility!!! (fist pump)

  14. You are so strong. You were dealt such a shitty hand. You are amazing.


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